Now that we got the Democrats out of the way, it is time to move on to the Republicans. If you are not a fan of Republicans, you can still use this to your advantage. Find a candidate you think is a complete piece of shit and vote for someone else! Sometimes there are elections where no one is worthy. When that happens, you just make sure the biggest asshole does NOT get elected. Yay, Democracy!

Also, good news: There are ZERO Republicans running against each other for State Representative in the primaries. In fact, out of the 14 districts in Kansas City, there are NINE districts with no Republicans running! Why? Because there are shit ton of Obama-loving minorities in the city. The GOP knows how to choose their battles wisely, and when they see a city full of black people, they say “Fuck that!”

This makes my job super easy. So without further ado, here are the Republicans running for U.S. Representative in District 5, the only office position being fought for within the GOP.

Bill Lindsey

• Spent 12 years in the Kansas National Guard; BA in Education and MA in Leadership (they have degrees for everything, don’t they?); urban KC teacher past 7 years and debate coach.
• Active in church events and leadership in the Boy Scouts (because no gays).
• “Bill was also a High Adventure participant at Philmont Scout Ranch.” (I have no idea what the fuck that means, but it must be impressive)
• His two main platforms are immigration and…wait for it…healthcare (shocker!).
  • “By allowing unskilled low wage earners into the U.S., they potentially make it harder for American low wage earners to find a job.”
  • Long story short: secure the borders THEN find a pathway to citizenship.
  • He’s pro-Obamacare! Wait, no. No he is not. In fact, I will literally suck a bag of dicks of any of these candidates are not on an anti-Obamacare campaign.

Berton A. Knox

• Park Hill High School class of ’74 graduate, Navy 1975-1981, currently chief engineer for United States Merchant Marines.
• Hold your breath, as I am about to regurgitate his website (all direct quotes), which reads like the right-wing handbook (bold emphasis is mine, italicized words are my comments):
  • Anti communist, anti socialist, anti elitist and anti fascist. Pro constitution and free enterprize.
  • Repeal Obamacare ASAP. (there it is!)
  • The President, Senators and Representatives should be in Social Security. Not a different plan.
  • TSA personnel should not be armed. They should be placed under video surveillance so damaged and stolen items can be recovered and the persons responsible held accountable. (wtf???)
  • Stop the abuses and application of undeclared Martial Law.
  • Longhand (cursive) writing should be taught in elementary school. (hitting the hard issues!)
  • The U. S. and state constitutions should be a High School graduation requirement.
  • Income earned, outside of salary, by the President, Senators and Representatives, should go for payment of their Secret Service protection.
  • Simplify the federal tax system, and reduce the mission, or abolish the I.R.S.
  • Life begins at conception. (so NO to abortion?)
  • Marriage is an institution involving a husband(male) and wife(female). (aaaand here’s the gay stuff)
  • Ignoramuses, wimps, manipulets and degenerates are the greatest threat to present domestic politics and the future of the republic.
  • People that write leash laws for cats should have to walk them. (underlined for added “what in the actual fuck” emphasis)
  • The internet should be managed by a U.S. entity.
  • The Constitution is not a living document. If it were, it would hide to escape the interpretive treatment it has received in the past.
  • A scoundrel’s best asset is a stupid politician.
  • Washington D.C. is not a landfill. Nothing beneficial will come from trash sent there.
• Analysis: CLICK HERE

Michael Burris

• Grandview High School class of ’87; Holds a Political Science degree from Avila University; currently assisting in managing a family business and operates a professional contracting company.
• Via ballotpedia.org: “I am committed to creating jobs, preserving and expanding personal freedoms, fixing healthcare, reducing the national debt, and serving all district constituents.” Controversial statements. Watch out for this wildcard.
• JOBS:He’s all for the small business owner. Something we never hear about. *yawn*
• FREEDOM: “In the past several years, and even in recent weeks, we’ve seen increased government interference and overreach into the freedoms, privacy, businesses and political speech of ordinary, American citizens. Michael Burris will work hard to protect and restore individual freedom and liberty, and hold government bureaucrats accountable for abuses and overreach.” Never explains what those overreaches are, but you get his point.
• HEALTHCARE: “Recent legislative changes have only made America’s healthcare system _______” Fill in the blank: WORSE or BETTER? You won’t be amazed.
• ECONOMY: “In order to fix America’s economy, Congress must demonstrate leadership in reforming, simplifying, and streamlining the tax code while subduing the IRS. And Congress must unleash the wealth of America’s natural resources that will create skilled, high paying jobs, spur new innovations, secure America’s energy independence, and lower the cost of energy.” He doesn’t tell us exactly how he’s going to fix these things, but DAMMIT, they need to be fixed!
• EDUCATION: “Michael Burris believes that Congress must lead when it comes to reforming public education in America. He also believes that American families should have the right to choose to send their children to effective, high performance schools of their choice.” Again, how? Fuck if he knows!
• IMMIGRATION: “Michael Burris will work hard to come up with an immigration solution that works for everyone, and works best with American values.”
• Analysis: Burris certainly has a vision, but has no fucking idea how to implement those visions, i.e. a plan.

Jacob Turk

• NOT a lawyer NOR a career politician. He makes that clear. He IS a former Marine and current small business owner. They all are.
• BS in Mechanical Engineering from UMKC.
• Killed 87 “Gooks” in ‘Nam and hates Jews
• I made up that last part because 1) no one is reading this and 2) his website doesn’t say shit about anything other than he’s running for Congress. However, we can assume he’s anti-gay marriage, wants to secure the borders, and hates Obamacare, which also means no sucking a bag of dicks for me!

Chalupa Batman

• The Congressman District 5 deserves, but not the one it needs right now.
• CEO of Wayne Enterprises; billionaire, industrialist and philanthropist, so he’s probably all about Big Corporation.
• Major platform: tough on crime.
• Rich kid; lived a life of privilege; took over family corporation after his parents were murdered when he was a child.
• No website. Little is known about him and his whereabouts at any given time.