The Winter Olympics are awful. It’s the arena football – no – the WNBA – NO – the Chicago Cubs of the Olympics. Everyone can get behind the Summer Games. You have swimming, running, wrestling and other activities that are required if faced with a life or death altercation with a bear. We know these sports, a lot of us have done these sports, and they are as old as The Inquisition. But the Winter Games? Nothing but privileged, white bullshit.
Skiing, ice-skating? These are the pastimes for pasty trust fund kids whose families have cabins in Aspen. It’s no wonder why the majority of people hate the Winter Games. Watching rich kids do things only rich kids have the time and opportunity to do is meaningless. We want stories that inspire us. We want Richard Sherman: straight outta Compton, onto Stanford, then eventual Super Bowl champion. Not Shaun White: privileged stoner who grew up snowboarding in Vermont and California, being mentored by Tony Hawk before his balls even dropped. Fuck that ginger.
However, it’s February, and that means that the only thing on television for a sports fan is college basketball (nobody watches regular season games) and NBA (nobody watches regular season games). So, the Winter Games it is, and today’s savvy sports lover has to find something to enjoy.
First, take out anything that involves snow. Yes, I know, that’s a lot. But snow + sports = rich, white kid bullshit. Now take out anything involving a bobsled, or anything with bobsled-like features. We get it, you thought Cool Runnings was an awesome movie. I mean, really, you don’t. You think you like that movie more than you do. Just like you think you like bobsledding, luge and the skeleton. You don’t. You are a liar.
Any kind of skating is – again – stupid and white. Unless you’re a female. Then you like it because of the costumes and the music and Johnny Weir is the gay little brother you always wanted to dress up.
This leaves two sports: hockey and curling.
Hockey is not an actual sport, just like soccer isn’t an actual sport, because hockey is just soccer on ice. But when paired next to grown men wearing skis and shooting rifles like they’re Todd Palin trying to muster up any adrenaline possible to pop a half chub, Olympic hockey looks like the goddamn Super Bowl. No surprise this is the biggest draw. There’s a National Hockey League (I looked it up, it exists) and nobody watches that shit. During the Olympics? Gets ratings like Two & A Half Men. That’s how bad the other sports suck.
Then there is curling. I remember when this “sport” became an Olympic event. Curling was first played at the 1924 Games, then everybody said “THIS IS FUCKING STUPID” and they wiped the records from the books (this is actually true). It wasn’t until 1998 that it became an official Olympic sport. Curling is four years younger than Justin Bieber. And four times as gay.
The point of curling is – as I see it – to sweep a puck on ice. It’s hockey, but with brooms instead of sticks and shuffling your feet like Dave Matthews instead of beating an opposing player to death. On paper, this is dumb. Actually, it’s dumb on ice, too. But curling seems to be the new fad event for the Winter Games. Why? Because people really, REALLY need to be together on something.
When curling came about, there was a combined sense of “you have got to be fucking kidding me?” that came with it. Then, it became, “screw it, if I’m going to watch these stupid sports, might as well watch the most inane of them all”. Now curling is no longer watched with eye-bleeding shock or hipster irony; now people actually think they enjoy watching others compete in what Eskimos call “cleaning the living room”. But nobody really likes it. It’s just that there’s nothing left. Like when nobody will go with you to prom so you’re stuck with the nerdy chick who sneezes too much and is unaware of the reality that bushes can be trimmed. Sure, you’ll try to get her into bed, but that doesn’t make it any less sad than it is.
So, when you’re watching the Winter Games this year, think about what you’re really getting out of it. This isn’t enjoyable, it just isn’t unenjoyable, and that’s nothing to be joyous about. It’s just sad, man. So wait for the hockey games, get pumped and trick yourself into thinking you actually like hockey now. Then, when the Games are over and the NHL is back, you’ll be three minutes into a Rangers-Penguins game until you remember, “Oh shit, it’s March Madness, fuck hockey!” And all will be right again.
Until then, take this time of Sports Hell to read a book, start a hobby or beat your wife. Let the rich kids watch the rich kid sports.