Unless you live up north, spring is finally here! The official start of spring was a little over a month ago, but global warming has fucked that all up. Yes, global warming has made our winters harsher and longer, ironically. If you’re one of those people who says “Global warming, huh?” during abnormally cold weather, do us all a favor and a) read a book or b) kill yourself. With baseball and the start of the 10-month long NBA postseason, there are no sports to get fanatical about. The weather is neither too cold nor too warm. Clear skies and nice weather allow us to emerge from our depressing, cave-like lifestyle that is typically brought on by the grey and frigid weather of winter. We get motivated to clean our homes and cars. We start walking or jogging around the park and do things that involve getting off the couch. More importantly, we start to freak the fuck out since we got fat as hell from our winter lifestyle of sloth and gluttony. That’s right you pasty bitch, you’ve got a few weeks to not disgust us at the first barbeque outing. Then again, since fat-shaming is still frowned upon, you can get away with looking like a slob without being confronted like you’re smoking inside a hospital nursery. Do it while you can. Until then, make yourself a margarita, gorge on some smoked ribs, lather your pale skin in sunscreen and enjoy THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!
If you can’t afford something, what do you do? If you answered “use a credit card,” congratulations! You’re a fucking idiot! The average credit interest rate is up to 21 percent. That’s the rate for people with fair credit, which nowadays probably isn’t exactly average. Credit card companies lure in new customers by offering an initial zero percent rate. That rate will last about as long as you in the sack before it skyrockets without you even noticing it. I had a credit card when I was 18. I was late on a payment ONCE, and all of a sudden the minimum payment ballooned to unmanageable levels. A $500 bill turned into a $1,800 bill in no time. Credit card companies are the devil. They give zero fucks about your finances or well being. If you want something you don’t have money for, it means you can’t have it. Work your way to a better paying job or accept the fact that you can have worthless, meaningless things.
Pop quiz: What do you get when you combine those powdered water flavor things and booze? Answer: Powdered alcohol! Here’s a more accurate description: this is what you get when you combine what seems to be a great idea with reality. Yes, some geniuses have devised alcohol into powder form. The marketing strategy is to encourage bringing the powder to sporting events so you can save money on booze. Just buy a soft drink, mix in your powder and BOOM! Cheap booze. Here’s another pop quiz: What’s the moneyline on college students snorting this stuff? Answer: -1,000,000,000. One last quiz: what are the odds that someone dies from snorting this, thereby making this a fucking terrible idea? Answer: great.
Kids today are whiny pussies. I know every older generation has been saying that about the younger generations since forever, but it’s truly. That means over time, we become bigger and bigger whining bitches. Point in case: Kid gets suspended for asking Miss America to prom. Now, at face value that sounds pretty excessive and dickheadish on the school’s part. However, that’s probably a red flag for missing facts. Long story short, Miss America spoke to a high school. Days before an obnoxious class clown said he was going to ask her to prom. The administration found out and said “You better fucking not.” He did. He got suspended. Now everyone is calling the school cunts and Miss America is asking for the school to apologize. NO! The kid did something he was told not to do. What more do you need to know??? This fuckwad of a child did something that was embarrassing, awkward, and disruptive and WAS TOLD BEFOREHAND NOT TO DO IT! He should feel lucky that we don’t cane people (although, we should). The fact that so many people can’t wrap the pea-sized brains around this concept is frightening. These people will never survive the real world. Fuck ‘em. It’ll make my plans for world domination that much easier.
Since we’re talking about piece of shit kids, let’s move on to another one that made the news this week. Some idiot took a selfie just inches from some railroad tracks. So what did the conductor of a train do as he approached? He kicked that little fucker right in the head! Side note: the conductor is up for Man of the Year. Anyway, now that kid is making a lot of money off the YouTube video (see video below). There are now two ways to make money without actually earning it: 1) suck a celebrity cock and 2) do stupid shit on YouTube. Estimates on ad revenue and licensing of the video range from $30,000 to $250,000. Essentially, he’ll make more off defying Darwinism than I’ll make in one year as journalist with a college degree. Lovely. Moral of the story: don’t go to college; suck famous dick and act like a douche on YouTube.
Let’s keep the ball rolling on how goddamn stupid we are. Only 21 percent of Americans are confident that the Big Bang is an actual thing. Now, check the chart below. Same questions to the same people. Fifty-four percent are confident that a supreme being rules the universe. This is despite the fact that they ruled in favor of some scientifically proven statements throughout the survey. Religion is dangerous. Even educated people who rule in favor of science will put up a wall to any theory—regardless of consensus within the scientific community—that may contradict their belief (by which there is ZERO evidence of) that a magical wizard is their overlord. Look at the chart and notice how people don’t believe Earth is four billion years old and how humans didn’t contribute to global warning, both of which the scientific community overwhelmingly believe to be true. Also, who are the 18 percent who were not very confident that smoking causes cancer? Seriously? WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?! Fucking hell, we’re dumb!
Here’s yet another article about stupid shit. This week has been dumb as hell. People in the state of Georgia can bring their guns EVERYWHERE. Where is everywhere? Only places like churches, schools, airport common areas, bars, courtrooms, and government buildings. No big deal! There is no way this will backfire. (PUN!)
We have reached a point in human civilization where medical technology and sex toys will collide. Doctors have implanted lab-grown vaginas. Yes, fake real vaginas! Unfortunately, some women are born without vaginas….or something like that. Honestly, I didn’t read into the actual science/biology of this. All I do know is that WE CAN GROW VAGINAS! VAGINA TREES! This is the kind of world I can live in! Anyway, this is brand new technology, so it’s costly and somewhat difficult to obtain. However, technology progresses exponentially, so it’s just a matter of a few years before lab-grown vaginas are inserted into Real Dolls. Imagine that! Full-sized, lifelike dolls with pretty much real vaginas…and they don’t talk! Our kids will look at Flesh Lights the same way we look at a gramophone. Sure we can still use it, but why the fuck??? Hipsters of the future will certainly jerk off with Flesh Lights while listening to a Walkman. The rest of functioning society will be growing vaginas at home while telepathically channeling their favorite song. I’m quitting smoking today so that I can hopefully see this day.
For more news and commentary that will keep you up-to-date with the latest sex toy technologies, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, you’ll be stuck with some 20th century sex toy like some goddamn hobo. Nobody wants that…especially your genitals.