Voting is a pain in the ass, You have to go inside some elementary school and feel like a goddamn pedophile and vote for people you have never heard of. Good news! I’ve done the research for you!

Since a huge population of my readers and listeners are Kansas City residents (grassroots campaigning works!), this analysis only applies to KCMO citizens. Also, I only did looked at the Senate and House candidates. Ain’t nobody got time to look at people running for a position you didn’t even know exists.

This edition focuses on the Democrats running for office opposed. A follow-up will include the Republican primary candidates. Get informed THEN vote!

U.S. Representative – District 5

Emanuel Cleaver II (incumbent)

• Masters in Divinity from St. Paul’s School of Theology and is an ordained Methodist minister, so if you feel religion can persuade a certain vote, watch out (then again, see below)
• Created Green Impact Zone. Essentially, he took KC’s most crime-ridden area and turned them into “the environmentally greenest piece of urban geography in the world.” That’s his response to a high murder rate. You may get shot on Troost, but the sidewalk you bleed all over will be clean!
• Voted pro-abortion
• Voted YES on stimulus packages
• Voting history of pro-gay rights
• Has indicated pro-drug-reform voting patterns
• Voted YES on Senate pay raise
• Voted NO on requiring lobbyists disclosure of bundled donations
• Voted YES on regulating tobacco as a drug
• Open-border stance
• Voted NO on allowing compensatory time off for working overtime
• Voted YES on protecting cyber security by sharing data with the government
• Very pro-affirmative action
• Strongly opposes human needs over animal rights (this is an actual issue talking point)
• Strongly favors taxes on the wealthy

Bob Gough

• Not much known; his website is a piece of shit from the AOL days.
• Founded Jackson County Taxpayer’s Association; served in the army; BS in Mathematics and has been a high school math teacher; he’s a member of the Mason Lodge.
• Strongly against “Obama Care.”
• Signer of US Term Limits pledge to serve more than 3 terms in Congress.
• His whole platform is basically “Fuck Obama Care and the rising costs of healthcare” (good luck, Bob)

Mark S. Memoly

• No official website that I can find, so campaigning is clearly not his thing.
• BBA Marketing/Labor Management, MBA Marketing (obtained in 1982 before “creating a fucking website” was a good marketing strategy).
• His entire career is in the truck sales industry. This is great news for truck drivers who are getting screwed by Congress (I write for a trucker magazine, so this is a real thing).
• “…believes medical healthcare insurance should be a tax deductible item on our IRS Form 1040 similar to having a child,” per votesmart.org
• Wants high speed rails built within 5 years (think bullet trains throughout Europe)
• Generally pro-life when it comes to abortion.
• Ran as a Republican in 2012 primary…lost to Todd “Illegitimate Rape” Akin
• Is kind of pro-gay marriage unless a church or an entire religion doesn’t want to recognize it. He’s kind of on the fence on this issue once you bring God up.

Eric Holmes

• This guy has a website (www.holmesforcongress.org), so he’s already ahead of Mark.
• Strongly against Obama Care. Again, this is his major platform.
• Former military
• Bachelors at U.S. Military academy, Master’s at Georgia Institute of Technology.
• Currently works in operations research.
• Wrote two books: Set Sail for Success and Iraq: Providing Hope
• That aside, we don’t know much about where he stands on issues that don’t involve Obama Care and military ops.

Charles Lindsey

• No website, no picture. This could be Batman.
• Lindsey said he is running for office “to assist public officials in resolving constructive trust that is destabilizing the Missouri banking system,” – KC Star
• Who the hell is this guy???

 

State Reps

DISTRICT 22

Brandon Ellington (incumbent)

• Class of ’99 at Paseo High School, so relatively young.
• 14% rating by MO Right to Life, i.e. he’s pro-choice
• Voted NO for school faculty to carry/conceal firearms
• Voted NO for reducing time period for unemployment benefits & requirements for benefits
• Voted NO to increase sales tax
• Voted NO for authorizing the use of red light cameras (39^th and SW Trafficway, anyone?)
• Rated 18% by MO Chamber of Commerce and Industry, i.e. is not about Big Business/Industry
• Rated 89% by MO Progressive Vote Coalition
• Pro-choice, anti-guns, anti-Big Business – Ellington is definitely a young Democrat

Daniel R. Edwards

• Unless he’s WWI Medal of Honor recipient who died in 1967, there is nothing to be found on this guy. Not even the KC Star knows who the hell this guy is: “(Edwards) has not mustered much of a campaign.”

 

DISTRICT 27

Bonnaye Mims (incumbent)

• Definitely pro-choice
• Definitely hates guns
• Voted YES to increase sales tax
• 31% rating by MO Chamber of Commerce and Industry; not as anti-Big Business as Ellington, but definitely leans that way.
• 100% rating by MO Progressive Vote Coalition, so she’s progressive AF!
• Voted YES for what essentially allows people to brew beer at home and drink it with friends and family outside the home without adhering to brewery/liquor manufacturing regulations, so cheers to that!
• Campaign dollars coming from Electrical Workers Local 53, MO Beverage Association, Ameristar Casinos, Sheet Metal Workers Local 2

India Williams

• Website uses WordPress; practical, but not very “official” (point in case: are you actually taking this blog seriously?) http://electindia.wordpress.com/
• Actually wants to EXPAND the Affordable Healthcare Act in Missouri
• Wants to increase investment in Early Childhood Education and Higher Education
• Proposes a Loan Forgiveness Program for students who graduate in MO and work full-time in MO. Aaaaaaaaaaand she just got my vote!
• Wants tax incentives for small, local businesses to increase wages
• In my opinion, she should be a strong consideration. She may not have the resume, but she definitely has a vision and a plan.

 

DISTRICT 28

Tom McDonald (incumbent)

• BA in Advertising; retired Retail Environment and Industrial Designer for Hallmark Cards
• Campaign dollars coming from Anheuser-Busch, Ameristar Casinos, AMEREN, Comcast (UH-OH!) and Missouri Hospital Association
• 27% rating by Right to Life, so pro-abortion
• Voted YES to increase sales tax
• Voted NO to prohibit sales of e-cigs to minors (only four of 31 voted NO)
• Voted YES to authorize use of red light cameras *sigh*
• 100% rating by Progressive Vote Coalition
• 30% rating by Chamber of Commerce and Industry
• Voted YES to brew beer at home and drink it somewhere else

Ryan Meyer

• Decent website, good job! http://www.meyerformissouri.com/
• Majored in political science and English writing
• Pro-union, anti-Right To Work
• Stance on education? Teachers are not the problem. That’s all he says.
• Stance on women, from his website: “May I first say, my mom is a woman?” He goes on to say he’s sick of the workplace/healthcare BS going on in Congress right now, so I’m assuming pro-choice.
• Wants the expansion of Medicaid in MO.
• Has strong opinions about homeowners and real estate. I wonder who’s contributing to his campaign…

DISTRICT 29

John B. Sutton

• MA in Science Education, Van Horn High School teacher, chess instructor, served in the army
• Wants full funding from state for education; also wants college prep and vocational education in high schools
• Does not support Obama Care
• Against cut income taxes

Winston Apple

• MA in Education, a former teacher at VAN HORN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL (the same as Sutton, shit is going down!), was in a band that had a record contract at one time (seriously, check it out below!)
• I have more Twitter followers than him: https://twitter.com/WinstonApple
• Wants a New Deal type of job program
• Proposes to add a public option to Obama Care
• Wrote a book called Edutopia: A Manifesto for the Reform of Public Education
• “I believe we should make more extensive use of the “benefits-received” principle of taxation (through excise taxes) combined with moderately progressive income and property taxes and reduce or eliminate sales taxes.”