SOTW Roundup: 09/09/12 – 09/15/12

Summer is finally over! Maybe not officially, but the weather change is the barometer I measure by rather than arbitrary date a few people decided on. Actually, it’s not that arbitrary. It has something to do with the sun…and Earth…and probably Jesus or something. We had a brutal summer here in the Midwest. There were not many days where the temperature didn’t reach 100 degrees in addition to the lack of rainfall. Now, we get about two months of awesome weather before temperatures drop to 100-below. People in Los Angeles and similar cities will never understand this kind of joy. It’s always nice over there.* You can’t appreciate the good without having experienced the bad. Without negative experiences, the good things are just the way things are, even if that’s not the reality. When people up north get to experience 70 degree weather, they soak it in. When people in Florida or L.A. get the same weather, it’s just another day. This is just weather I’m talking about, but the same principle applies to most things in life. If you are born wealthy with opportunities practically handed to you, then that’s how you think life is…even if 99% of the world population is not living this “reality.” That is why our government (and most others) is failing at almost everything. They are a bunch of rich kids who don’t know what reality really is. More accurately, their reality is a far cry from the vast majority of everyone else’s reality. Mitt Romney and people like him believe that almost half the country is dependent on the government and it’s because they’re lazy. He believes this because in his reality you go to a private school that your parents (who are together and raising their children) paid for, go to an Ivy League school, have employers throw offers at you, profit. In other words, it’s hard to NOT do well in his reality. Unfortunately for most of us, that reality does not exist. Most of us go through major hurdles in life to achieve the simplest of things. Most of us experience harsh summers and winters before we can experience a few months of nice weather. Romney lives in a world where it’s always 70 degrees and sunny…and he wants us all to wear jeans and a t-shirt all the time, like him, even in the winters. And if we don’t, it’s because we’re doing something wrong, NOT because our environment is different. Fuck Romney. Obama isn’t that much better, so don’t take this as an Obama campaign ad. Obama may approve the above message, but he won’t approve THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

* Temperature-wise. Other than that, it’s a hellhole.

I didn’t mention this in the last Roundup, but Anonymous released 1 million Apple device IDs they found on an FBI laptop. It was a developing story at the time, so I left it alone. Good thing, because apparently Anonymous is full of shit. NBC revealed that Anonymous stole the IDs from publishing company Blue Toad. Last week’s news stirred up controversy after people started to question exactly why the FBI had millions of Apple UDIDs. Big Brother is on your iPhone! That scared a lot of hipsters. A few days later, Blue Toad told NBC there was a breach in their system that contains millions of Apple UDID information at the exact time of the alleged FBI hack job. For me, this is the last straw for Anonymous. In the beginning, it sounded like the greatest thing ever: a bunch of rogue computer geniuses hacking into corporate and government accounts to reveal the truth. However, time and time again every claim they make has been proven to be full of shit. Furthermore, every time they say they are going to do something, they don’t. I’m sure they’ll tell you this is all a cover-up, but that’s what nutjobs say about 9/11, JFK, and the moon landing. Anonymous and Occupy Wall Street have failed for the same reason: no organization or leadership. They are proving exactly what they are trying to disprove; we need some type of government to lead. If it’s too good to be true, then it probably is. Anonymous, or the idea of it, was just too good.

If you’re a raging pedophile, this next story may sound too good to be true. To the dismay of our future, it is very true. A Vancouver studio is giving grade school children pole dancing lessons. The Twisted Grip Dance and Fitness Studio set up the classes called “Little Spinners.” The sessions will run Saturdays for an hour at $70. Not coincidentally, that is about the hourly earnings of your local strip club “pole aerobics performer.” Don’t believe me? Here’s the flier:

Jesus Christ, I feel dirty just posting that picture. Seriously. I’m sitting in a coffee shop right now, and making sure no one is looking at my screen as I write this segment. At what point did someone think to themselves, “You know what children are missing in their lives…POLE DANCING!” And who are the people that are not raising their hand at that meeting and saying, “Ummmmm, yeeaahhh…about that.” Pole dancing is NOT some new art form of dancing. It originated from STRIP CLUBS! If you don’t know this, then you are not a smart person and should not be working with children. Take child pole dancing, add Toddlers and Tiaras, and you get a future filled with whores—wait a tick—I’m suddenly changing my position on this. Let me ask these guys:

Liberals are crazy, but conservatives are crazy assholes. Every election year, Republicans come out of the woodwork and prove my point. Every. Time. Point in case: Republicans are trying to destroy a local business for assholish reasons. Ironically, conservatives are all about the workingman and how they “built it themselves.” Except for Scott Van Duze and his Big Apple Pizza and Pasta Italian Restaurant business—fuck that guy. Why? Because of this:

OH SHIT! HE BEAR HUGGED THE PRESIDENT! That Commie bastard! In response to Van Duze’s treacherous ways, Republicans across the country took to Yelp to bombard the restaurant with negative reviews. Many called for a boycott on the restaurant. The far right has crossed the line from fanatical to outright retarded. It’s this kind of misguided hate and illogical/irrational behavior that’s ruining this country. They say Obama is the problem. Obama may not be the solution, but the real problem is idiots like these. In fact, one reason why Obama is so ineffective is because dumb shits like this are in Congress! By the way, Van Duze is a registered Republican, so put that in your pipe and smoke it, conservatives! Your corncob pipe, that is. No way people who smoke marijuana act like this. No. Way.

Finally, someone who is NOT a Republican politician made a stupid comment about homosexuality and incest. Film director Nick Cassavetes likened incest to homosexuality. Here’s the quote:

“I have no experience with incest. We started thinking about that. We had heard a few stories where brothers and sisters were completely, absolutely in love with one another. You know what? This whole movie is about judgment, and lack of it, and doing what you want.

Who gives a shit if people judge you? I’m not saying this is an absolute but in a way, if you’re not having kids – who gives a damn? Love who you want. Isn’t that what we say? Gay marriage – love who you want? If it’s your brother or sister it’s super-weird, but if you look at it, you’re not hurting anybody except every single person who freaks out because you’re in love with one another.”

In a super creepy, weird way, he has a point. Regardless, Cassavetes is probably on the wrong side of this debate. In fact, it’s not even debatable. Incest ≠ cool. I didn’t learn a whole lot in college, but I do remember a few things from a social psychology course I took. For example, very few things transcend cultures across the world: the view of incest being wrong is one exception. EVERY sane person on this planet inherently frowns upon incest. Also, we can’t judge? Bullshit! That’s all I do, and it works pretty damn well. People in the Middle East are violently protesting because of a movie…but you can’t judge. Bullshit! A priest fingered a 12-year-old boy…but we can’t judge. Bullshit! Did I liken the Middle East to fingering a 12-year-old boy? I most certainly did…but you can’t judge.

Science. It’s for elitist liberals. Science is certainly not for Sheryl Crow. Crow claims that her brain tumor is from cell phone use. That makes sense except for the fact that EVERY DOCTOR/SCIENTIST DISAGREES! Every study on the subject reveals that there is no link between cell phone use and cancer. Despite knowing this, Crow stands behind it. The worst part is that Katie Couric interviewed Crow about this. Welcome to Shitty Journalism 101, folks. Let’s discuss something that not one smart person believes and only crazy people find legit! Let’s sensationalize COMPLETE BULLSHIT! If Sheryl Crow’s decision-making is anything like her songwriting, then I get it. Hell, she was engaged to Lance Armstrong. Apparently, she attracts cancer. I suppose Armstrong’s left nut made too many collect calls to his drug dealer. Science!

I hate Facebook. It’s a watered down, family-friendly version of Twitter. I’m only on it because NOT being on Facebook is either insanely hipster or approaching Ted Kaczynski status. You can’t have fun on Facebook. For example: A New Yorker cartoon was taken down on Facebook because of nudity. Not that surprising when you consider the smut magazine that is The New Yorker. Hide your children, because I’m about to show you this hardcore nude cartoon:

I apologize if I just got you fired from your job because of this filth. Seriously though, Facebook needs to calm down on these “obscenity” rules. If it’s software that detects and deletes this kind of stuff, FIX IT! Facebook has become such a highly regulated advertisement machine to the point where Demolition Man-type, future-predicting nutjobs are starting to look prophetic. Mark Zuckerberg has no idea how to run a corporation. He’s a genius when coming up with the ideas and innovations, but he’s a dumb kid when it comes to being a CEO. Zuckerberg somehow managed to fail in the stock market despite Facebook being a HUUUGE big deal! And where the hell is the “unlike” button that EVERYONE has been asking for? Zuckerberg is an egomaniacal, naïve 28-year-old who thinks his idea transcends Wall Street and business in general. This is why I will laugh uncontrollably when Facebook goes the route of Myspace. At least Myspace had titties.

This week in “No Shit, Sherlock” news, a new study reveals no negative impacts from “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” repeal. Let me get something straight (PUN!): allowing gays to serve in the military, which has absolutely NOTHING to do with sexual orientation, has ZERO effect on military operations? Shocker. Once again, this proves that everyone who is homophobic is a goddamn moron. Just because a dude loves another dude doesn’t mean he can’t blow up a small village in Afghanistan as well as a straight guy. Actually, lesbians (not the fake, “lipstick” lesbians) can probably do a lot of damage, especially the man-hating lesbians who are fighting countries who essentially hate women. NOT allowing people to enroll in the military because of sexual orientation has a negative effect on the country’s security. Such laws would prevent THOUSANDS of potential killing machines to serve our country. If you’re in the military and disagree with homosexuals working with you, we need to put you in the frontlines of a Mid-Eastern jihad, because you’re expendable.

What To Look Forward To On “Episode 108: Chiefs, Slaves, & Muslims” of Soundtrack of the Week:

For more news and commentary that is offensive to more than just Muslims, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, Muhammad and Allah will strike you dead.*

* Editor’s Note: Ty is now in hiding.

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