After another hiatus, I am bringing back the SOTW Roundup. This is the second resurrection, so it’s already better than Jesus Christ. I quit doing this because, believe it or not, it can be very time consuming. I didn’t think any of you read this thing, so it wasn’t worth the effort. However, many of you (six, to be exact) let me know that you do in fact read these things. If you want these to continue, you better share and retweet the shit out of them. Since the last roundup, I have become a legit journalist. It’s advocacy journalism for a truck driver association, but journalism nonetheless. I have to adhere to AP style, no opinions, and each draft is a shell of its former self after going through three editors. In short, I’m losing my creative writing skills after news reporting writing has been hammered into my skull. More importantly, there is so much going on in the world, and everyone NEEDS to hear my opinion since I seem to be one of the few people on this planet that uses logic and reasoning when coming to a conclusion. Think of this as Gawker for the realists rather than for the misguided idealists. The world will become a better place because of this. So sit back, halt production at your worthless job, get learned and read THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

Good news/bad news: The bad news is that we’re all going to die! The good news is…I was lying…there is no good news. The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has released their 2014 report. Long story short, climate change is going to fuck shit up, and we’re not prepared to do anything. The IPCC also acknowledges that these global changes are in fact man-made. In case you’re a global warming denier (i.e. an idiot), it’s worth pointing out that the report consists of 309 coordinating lead authors, lead authors, and review editors, drawn from 70 countries who enlisted the help of 436 contributing authors, and a total of 1,729 expert and government reviewers. Then again, if you don’t believe in global warming stats don’t mean a damn thing to you.

There’s a funny pedophile saying that goes “15 will get you 20.” It’s funny because it’s true…unless you’re rich. In the case of DuPont heir Robert H. Richards IV, “3 will get you 0.” Back in 2008, Richards pled guilty to fourth-degree rape of his 3-year-old daughter and received the stiff penalty of PROBABTION. You know, the same penalty you received when you were busted with a joint when you were fifteen. He is now being accused of having done that multiple times and (yes, it gets worse) sexually abusing his son when he was 19 months old. So what is fourth-degree rape in Delaware? Essentially, it’s the lightest form of rape, which by the way “does not apply to a licensed medical doctor or nurse who places 1 or more fingers or an object inside a vagina or anus for the purpose of diagnosis or treatment.” Conversely, first-degree rape is when “the victim has not yet reached that victim’s twelfth birthday, and the defendant has reached that defendant’s eighteenth birthday,” which certainly applies to this situation. Laws. Fuck ‘em.

While rich people are getting away with first-degree rape of a 3-year-old and 19-month baby, let’s see what’s happening to average people like you and me: Man sentenced to 14 years in prison for shining laser pointer at a helicopter. A 24-year-old Fresno, Cali., man hit a helicopter with a laser pointer and then nailed the police helicopter that went by to investigate the first incident. Because the man has a less-than-perfect past (stole tokens for video games, DUI, burglary), he was sentenced to 14 years in prison for using a laser pointer. The moral of the story: if you’re rich and have a decent record, you can rape a 3-year-old; if you’re broke and have a bit of a record, you’ll spend a fifth of your life in prison for shining lights at a helicopter.

Clearly, our laws are completely useless. Please tell me something GOOD happened this week in the ways of the law: Utah signs revenge porn ban into law. Although this is good news, this falls under the category of “HOW THE FUCK IS THIS LEGAL IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!” For those of you who don’t know what revenge porn is, 1) you’re a liar 2) it’s homemade, amateur porn usually submitted by a former boyfriend against the wishes or knowledge of the ex-girlfriend. Although I thoroughly enjoy beating off to revenge porn daily, that does not mean that I condone it. There are plenty of other kinds of porn to jerk off to if revenge porn is erased. Plenty. Also, I am not aware if what I’m looking at is revenge porn. I just have to assume that any and all amateur photos and videos I flog the dolphin to have the consent of all parties to be distributed. Ignorance is bliss. Eventually, it will be an illegal form of porn you can look at and justify it. Note: it will be the ONLY illegal form of porn you can look at and justify it. Let’s not go down that rabbit hole.

That’s enough good news for one week. Back to some more depressing shit, like the newly released Labor Department Occupational Employment and Wages stats. Before you cut yourself, there is some good news: On average, orthodontists ($196, 270) make more than CEOs ($178,400). Okay, on to the shit we knew would happen:

• The median pay for athletes is $39,050; Lebron James makes more than that per quarter.
• Anesthesiologists earn the highest average salary at $235,070, so do that…how hard can it be?
• This one fucking stings: nonfarm animal caretakers earn $22,510. The average CHILD-care worker? $21,490. You can cut yourself now.
• Of the top 10 largest occupations (most number of those working those jobs), only ONE (registered nurses) earn more than the national average of $46,440. Cut deeper.
• Lowest hourly pay? Fast-food cooks (shhhhhhhocker). Oh, and shampooers, which I have no fucking idea who that refers to.
• There are 4.6 PR specialists for every journalist, and they make 40% more than journalists. Good to know that it’s more lucrative and there are more people spinning the news for corporate interest than those actually reporting the facts.

There you have it! If you can’t afford the rent, no worries. NO ONE CAN! Better hit the books and go to med school, which you can’t because you’re broke and dumb.

When you were reading about the Steubenville rape case, did you immediately wonder how awesome it would be if it were turned into a movie? You too? Great news! Brad Pitt bought the rights to the Rolling Stone Steubenville rape story. As if the story wasn’t fun enough on its own, we can now look forward to the rape movie! I’m trying out for the part of the drunk ass kid in the cell phone video. I’ll just submit some of my own for the audition tape. I hope Daniel Day Lewis doesn’t want that role. Fingers crossed.

A campaign season is about to start, so it’s high time the government does something to make campaigning easier and more full of shit. The Supreme Court struck down an overall donation cap. Previously, individuals could only donate $2,600 per candidate with a $48,600 cap. Not anymore. Now, an individual can give $2,600 to however many candidates he or she pleases. SCOTUS justified the move by claiming a cap will restrict the exercise of First Amendment rights in the form of campaign contributions. No joke. I know they say “money talks,” but c’mon! This does two things: (1) increases the role money plays in politics, as noted in the NY Times article and (2) gives the rich a louder and more influential voice when “exercising their First Amendment rights.” Hundreds of years from now when students are studying the former U.S. empire, they’ll look at shit like this and say, “For fuck’s sake! They got away with that?”

Bitch ass pussy nigga! SKEET! SKEET! Don’t worry. This is relevant to the next story: Genius Andrew Powell-Morse has “scientifically” broken down Profanity in Rap Lyrics Since 1985. Tupac has the #1 and #2 albums with most profanity with All Eyez On Me clocking in at 905 words and Until the End of Time clocking in at 895 words. Less surprising, Too $hort’s Raw, Uncut & X-Rated holds the record for most cuss words per song with 49.8 profanity lyrics in each song. Most profane artist from 1985-2013? Geto Boys! Click the link for a ton more stats. Someone needs to do this for country songs and the use of the words “truck,” “cowboy,” “beer” and “small town.” This won’t work for rock music since rock musicians were actually subtle and poetic in expressing their views.

Quick! What’s the best way to cure AIDS? Wrong!  The correct answer: cherries and piña coladas! In response to curbing the insane rate of HIV, South Africa will distribute flavored condoms. Condom use in South Africa is down and apparently it’s because “the standard-issued choice condoms just aren’t cool enough.” Yeah, because my decision to not use a condom has always been based on whether or not my dick tastes like fruit punch. Alcohol or being in the heat of the moment most certainly did not play a role. No siree, Bob! Then again, maybe it will work. Have you ever worn (or saw someone wear) a colored condom? It looks fucking weird. No one wants to have sex with a green, blue, or red penis. AIDS cured!

 

For more news and commentary that feels, tastes and sounds like a grape-flavored dick, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, you’ll gets AIDS…even with a watermelon-flavored condom.