SOTW Roundup: 6/15/2014 – 6/21/2014

This weekend, I will be attending a truck show in Nebraska. If you do not already know, I’m a news clerk/staff 1012603_572510809534024_7415369351201999264_nwriter for a trucker magazine. It’s not what most people had in mind when going to journalism school, but it beats the hell out of monitoring earthquakes, typhoons, protests and wildfires for Bank of America as a “social media spy.” Your first job as a journalist is rarely the one you sought after. However, very few journalism jobs are unfulfilling…even if you are writing advocacy journalism for owner-operator truck drivers. My editor-in-chief is not sending me to the show. Going to a truck show in Nebraska is something I decided to do just to do it. Why? This is what I do. This is the first time I have been able to say that. All previous jobs were just a way to pay the bills. When people ask what I do, I do not precede it with a longwinded explanation as to how and why I got there in order to justify the disappointment. With that said, going to this truck show is my way of telling myself “this is your life” and my way of showing my editors “I’m not fucking around, let’s do this.” This is how wildly successful people achieve their success: They don’t stop working when they leave the office. If you want to reach the summit of your career, you have to have eat, breathe and live your job. If you don’t, the person who does will get there first. I may be a little bitch from the suburbs of Kansas City who loves 311, but I will know and write the shit about everything that is big rigs. Deal with it! Also deal with THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

 

Since it is fairly clear that low-income wages—especially for those in the food/drink services—are not going to increase anytime soon (or ever), perhaps we should come up with alternative measures to close the ever widening socioeconomic gap to help those who are struggling. How about a FREE college education? Starbucks will start offering free college for its employees. Many businesses already offer tuition reimbursement. However, the terms and conditions usually results in employees giving their employers their first-born despite the fact that only two classes were partially paid for. At Starbucks, there are only two requirements: work at least 20 hours a week and be smart enough to get accepted…at Arizona State. Yeah, you don’t get a choice. I guess when tuition is free going to the #142 college in the country is nothing to bitch about. Then again, many (perhaps most) Starbucks “baristas” are college students anyway. Chances are they go to a school ranked higher than #142. Get a free, shitty education or continue paying for a real college degree on your own? Doesn’t matter since Starbucks will probably reduce hours to 19 a week. Enjoy your free Arizona State online degree, Starbucks employees. It’ll be good for getting a job at…Starbucks.

Very rarely does religion get anything right. Rick Perry is living proof of that (see: below and every Roundup before this). PopeDespite centuries of greed, corruption and overall silliness, Pope Francis consistently keeps nailing it. What is this actual decent human being of pope doing this time? Pope Francis is getting rid of the bullet-proof Popemobile. Other than not being able to greet people inside a “sardine can,” the pope also remarked, “At my age I do not have much to lose.” Exactly! If you are preaching about a god that will grant you an eternity in a utopian place, who gives a shit if you die? Apparently, the previous popes weren’t so sure. The pope prefers an open-top car. God willing he chooses a ’64 Impala.

In last week’s Roundup, Rick Perry compared homosexuality to alcoholism. As one would expect, he made the rounds this week defending his batshit crazy theories. Rick Perry will leave the question to science. Wait. Wut? Science? Does he mean the thing he has denied when it has consistently debunked almost every dumbshit thing coming out of his mouth (and lord knows what is coming IN his mouth)? When asked whether or not he believes a gay cure therapy whatever-the-fuck is legit, Perry said he didn’t know and that “we’ll leave that to the psychologists and the doctors.” Good news, Gov. Perry! They already reached a decision several fucking years ago! Add that study to a laundry list of other studies by accredited scientists and academics that Gov. Perry is sure to reject in the future. He also said this: “I don’t necessarily condone that lifestyle. I don’t condemn it, either. We’re all children of God.” No shit, yes you do and no we’re not. Good luck with your presidential campaign, Rick Perry. Shit like this will surely make you super popular.

Not actually a video

Finally, my favorite topic to wri—my favorite topic: Miss Colorado Teen is doing another porn video. Another?! Earlier this year, we learned that she was stripped of her title for doing a porn video. However I was too busy not doing the Roundup back then…and too busy beating off to the video. It’s a good one. All porn aficionados (i.e., men) are aware of Girls Do Porn. It’s a fantastic series featuring girl-next-door types allegedly doing a one-and-done porn video. SOTW needs a sponsorship from them. At any rate, seeing an 18-year-old (she was at the time of the first video) Teen Insert State contestant do porn ranks in the higher echelon of porn. The Girls Do Porn claim of “first and only” porn shoots for teens seems to be legit. Before Miss Colorado Teen, Miss Delaware Teen got busted for the exact same thing! I do not know how they do it, but Girls Do Porn gets the SOTW seal of approval. Also, hat tip to Gawker for doing the only thing they do right: Inform the masses whenever a beauty pageant contestant does porn. To you, the reader: you are welcome. To Girls Do Porn: email us about sponsoring the show.

As stated during these Roundups many times, college is worthless. Under some circumstances, a college degree can be rather beneficial: college paid for, engineering degree, athletes (basketball players only need one year), filming your sexual adventures and proclivities and selling them for a profit. Other than that, the return on investment is not very appealing. Especially these eight college degrees with the worst ROI. They are: sociology, fine arts, education, religious/studies, hospitality/tourism, nutrition, psychology and communications. Let’s forget about art, religion and tourism. You’re an idiot if you thought you could make money off those. Fuck it, throw out sociology while we’re at it. Nobody knows exactly what that is, let alone what job it is applicable to. The big one is education. It is financially irresponsible for anyone who has to pay for their own college education to become a teacher. That’s not good. Teachers of the future will either be rich kids who can’t identify with their students or adults who probably have to work a second job, therefore, unable to focus all of their attention to their students. Psychology? Again, rich kids unable to identify with the struggles of their patients or adults too busy thinking about how to pay their own bills when the couple they are counseling is in turmoil because they cannot pay their bills. Nutrition? We’re all fat, lazy people. We have use for them, but we give zero fucks. Communications! Like Education, this is crippling. We’re at a point where only rich kids can afford an unpaid internship and the $25,000 starting salary as a journalist. What does that mean? It means the voice of the media is coming from the upper-middle class on up. Essentially, those responsible for shaping our opinions and beliefs will be coming mostly from one angle: the voice of the well-to-do. In fact, I wonder where the author of the above article went to school and who paid for it. A journalist will never understand the struggles of a weakening generation if he or she has been living in a New York penthouse since birth.

How much is a year of your life worth? A couple thousand? Five figures? Six figures? According to the state of WisconsinScreen Shot 2014-06-18 at 7.06.11 PM, your life is worth $5,000 a year. More accurately, if you are wrongfully imprisoned in Wisconsin, the state government will give you $5,000 for each year they fucked you over. You think that’s messed up? Twenty-one states won’t give you shit for wrongfully sending you to prison. Even the feds—who love to take our money—will give an innocent person $50,000 for each year in prison. Which state offers the highest “Oops, we fucked up” compensation. Texas! If they do not execute you first (good luck), the state of Texas will give you $80,000 for each year spent in prison. New business idea: frame yourself in Texas, get a shitty lawyer, spend a few years in prison, get a good lawyer, profit! Actually, do this in Colorado. They’ll give you $60,000 a year and have the fewest executions (1). Guess who has the most at 513?

Unless your plan to be wrongfully accused of goat fucking in Colorado goes off without a hitch, chances are you’re poor. Wages remain stagnant while everything that costs money is increasing exponentially. Tuition is higher, coffee is costly and now you can add a hamburger to the list: Meat, poultry and fish prices spike to all-time high. California’s drought, thin herds and a pork virus are being blamed for the reason why you have to choose between rent or a barbeque. Grocers in New York have noticed people are buying less meat because of tight budgets. Then again, when you decide to live in a city where rent for a closet is $2,500 and cigarettes are $10, maybe you shouldn’t bitch so much. It is no secret that the socioeconomic gap is widening at a pace that rivals the expansion of the universe. In order to live a more financially responsible life, getting rid of luxuries like electronics, Netflix subscriptions, craft beer, etc. is the smart and reasonable thing to do. However, when basic needs like food and shelter start to severely cut into our budget, the issue with wages becomes much more real and in need of attention. Considering the Millennials are a bunch of holistic medicine-believing, wannabe DJ vegans, the future of meat has already been questionable. Thanks, vegans! You are the reason why we can’t have nice things yet again.

Never in my life have I witnessed so much false outrage than I have in the past 18 months. Feminists want to ban The Rolling Stones’ “Under My Thumb” from grocery stores, a graduation card that mentions a “black hole” is deemed racist and accidentally brushing up against a women makes you part of the “rape culture.” More recently, the Washington Redskins have been under attack. Federal agency cancels Redskins trademark registration, says name is disparaging. More specifically, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. For the Redskins, it doesn’t mean shit. They can still sell their products and go after those dff002bea4a75dabbf5e5612b6518eb6d9224eaa4332127b996b4236eb1de602who try to profit from the logo. Essentially, the move is symbolic. It symbolizes the false outrage I outlined above. As of press time, a poll indicated that 50.44% were in favor of keeping the name, whereas 49.56% were not. Assuming that the 49.56% is comprised mostly of people who don’t actually give a shit and are in no way legitimately offended, it’s pretty clear that this issue stems from a vocal minority that are probably mostly white people. White guilt is ruining this country. By the way, since when did white people get the authority to decide what is and is not offensive to other groups? Here is what I suggest: we gather up all 14 Native Americans left, ask them if they give a shit and decide from there. Until, stop acting like this a big deal. We have bigger fish to fry…mostly because we are all out of buffalos.

This next article is for the guy who helps edit this every Thursday night. Yes, someone actually reads through this before I post it. Clearly, he is more of a copy editor. There’s no way the content of these Roundups would pass the scrutiny of any sane person. With that said, I accept most of his edits except for one: the Oxford comma. Then this came out: 57% of Americans favor the Oxford comma. What is the Oxford comma? “It’s important for a person to be honest, kind and loyal.” Or: “It’s important for a person to be honest, kind, and loyal.” The latter has an Oxford comma, the former none. Fuck the Oxford comma. The extra comma is only needed if it is necessary for clarity. Also, AP style writing (what journalists adhere to) has banished the Oxford comma to the deepest layer of grammar Hell. You know who likes the Oxford commas? Pretentious, hipster douchnozzles, that’s who. Don’t believe me? Look at the chart to the right. You see that? People who prefer the Oxford comma are the same people who think they are better than you. They are the type of people who use words that normal, sane people dropped from their vocabulary after the Spanish Inquisition. No one likes that guy. Don’t be that guy. Ban the Oxford comma from your life.

In addition to learning that the Oxford comma is the antichrist, I learned another valuable lesson studying journalism: nobody knows what the fuck they are talking about. Not even “experts.” Experts like Dr. Oz. Senate panel scolds TV’s Dr. Oz over diet claims. Ever since becoming Oprah-famous, Dr. Mehmet Oz has been whoring weight-loss products that, not surprisngly, do not work. So, Senator Claire McCaskill of Missouri grilled him and accused him of fraud. Dr. Oz has called such crap like green tea a “miracle” weight-loss supplement. SPOILER ALERT: it is not. If it were, everyone would have been chugging green tea like we were at a goddamn Duke frat party after just being found innocent of rape charges following a lacrosse championship. This isn’t the first time a doctor from Oprah’s show spewed out bullshit to the masses. Remember Dr. Phil? The fat fuck psychologist who had aScreen Shot 2014-06-20 at 12.06.50 AM diet book? The point I’m trying to make is that Oprah is the devil and is trying to kill us all by manipulating us into believing her expert doctors know the secret of living longer when in reality they have no idea what they are doing. Dr. Oz is a goddamn cardiothoracic surgeon, not a nutrition expert. He earned an MBA from Wharton the same year he earned his MD, which begs the question “Why?” It’s probably because making money has always been priority number one for Oz, which is the last motivating factor you want in any doctor or expert. Need cardiac surgery? Dr. Oz is your man. Need to know which foods are best for your diet? See a goddamn nutritionist. Preferably one that 1) has never appeared on Oprah 2) did not earn an MBA at the same school as Donald Trump and 3) doesn’t refer to anything as a “miracle.” Dr. Oz is a liar. Dr. Phil is a liar. Oprah is a goddamn idiot. We are all idiots. Have a great weekend!

 

For more news and commentary from experts who acknowledge that they have no idea what they are talking about, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.site.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, you can always take Oprah’s recommendations and die from misinformation. Your choice.

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