Election week is just right around the corner! Actually, it’s over three months away, but close enough. Usually, this is the worst time of year, but every now and then something awesome happens. You know, things like suggesting rape can either be legitimate or illegitimate, and that the female body has the ability to tell the difference and prevent pregnancy. Screw the Senate…TODD AKIN FOR PRESIDENT! As of this writing, Akin has not dropped out of the race. This means that either a) he really is a crazy person or b) the Republicans have crunched the numbers and still believe he can beat Claire McCaskill for Missouri Senate. If the latter is correct, I weep for the future. If Missouri elects Akin, it falls to the ranks of idiocy of the states they just joined the SEC with. It doesn’t matter if Akin “misspoke.” Even if what he said is not what he meant, the fact that “legitimate rape” is in his vernacular means he’s a dumb piece of shit. Even if he doesn’t believe that women can’t get pregnant from rape, the fact that he said that means the argument has crossed his mind. You can’t just make that shit up! These ideas are floating around in Akin’s head, and that is INSANELY dangerous if he ends up winning a seat in the Senate. Five past and present Republican senators from Missouri are asking for Akin to step down. He has until 5pm of this writing to withdrawal, which he will. Holy shit! He’s seriously running for office?!?! Akin will need a campaign song. I got him covered: listen to his new campaign song here. I can go on and on about this guy, but let’s just get to THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

New York City has been getting pretty nutty with their nanny state policies: cigarettes, soda, etc. Well, they’re at it again, and this time they might have gotten it right. Yoga studio owners are claiming that government agencies are targeting them. Let me get something straight: yoga fanatics are saying the government is conspiring against them? That’s not the unshaven, dreadlocked hair, pouchuli-smelling, Che Guevara t-shirt wearing, “9/11 was an inside job”-believing yoga practitioner I know. Three years ago, NYC lost a bid to require yoga instructors and studios to get licenses, which would have been costly. Since you cannot effectively license shit that has no scientific merit, the city lost. Fast forward to present day, and yoga studio owners are claiming regulators are unfairly targeting them:

“The New York State Department of Taxation audited and fined some studios for not collecting a 4.5 percent sales tax on classes. The New York City Department of Buildings has fined at least two studios for not having a proper permit. And the state’s Labor Department has audited some studios for listing their instructors as independent contractors rather than employees. “

Listen, I understand you yoga people don’t believe in Western culture, but as long as you’re living in it, you have to follow the laws! Clearly, these studios were in violation of the law, therefore, were fined. CONSPIRACY! Study after study has shown that yoga is no better for you than doing simple stretches. It’s another way for mentally unstable people to try to heal their instability through simple, supernatural ways rather than putting in the hard work that is actually required for progress. #LegitimateRape

Speaking of conspiracy theorists, here’s a good story for the yoga instructors out there: the government is spying on ALL OF US with new surveillance technology. The new technology is called TrapWire. It uses facial recognition and is able to tell when certain activity is not consistent with normal behavior. TrapWire does this by analyzing every second that is being recorded. When something or someone being recorded doesn’t fit the mold of “normalcy,” it sends a red flag. Now, people everywhere are freaking out and yelling, “BIG BROTHER!” This whole thing is frightening…except for…it isn’t. To start, the government has said that they are not using this technology…at least not on citizens to collect personal information…OR SO THEY SAY! Here’s something to chew on: are you doing anything wrong? No? Then why do you care if you’re being “spied” on while in public? TrapWire was created to prevent terrorism and other crimes. It doesn’t look inside your bedroom. No one is selling your personal information to Google. TrapWire and the agencies/companies using it ARE TRYING TO KEEP YOU SAFE! Yet, here we are, claiming the government is trying to control us. I do NO wrong (legally). With that said, I don’t even care if government agencies are watching me beat off at home. First of all, that’s THEIR loss for watching. Second of all, I’m not aware of people watching me, so who cares? Thirdly, if it’s the difference between a terrorist bombing my home and NOT bombing my home, I’m all for it. Quit being a bunch of scared, whiny bitches.

As a single guy with no game whatsoever, there are not too many characteristics that’ll turn me off. Here’s a list of some exceptions:

• Morbidly obese
• Senior citizens
• Minors (FOR THE RECORD!)
• ·       Has a penis
• Intelligent/well-educated
• Anal tattoos (NSFW link)

Thanks to Sarina Valentina, I had to modify that list. I never thought that anal tattoos would ever be a problem, but click the link (NSFW!) and…well…there it is. People are getting their assholes tattooed. Your weak-self thought that shoulder tattoo hurt? Why are anal tattoos a turn-off? The same reason why I won’t date a girl who’ll leave her boyfriend for me…it sets a bad precedent. NO good can come from a girl who thinks getting her daughter’s name tattooed on her asshole is a good idea. Props to psychic Jill Dahne for predicting anal tattoos will be a trend after she was asked about it. Definitely going for gold on that prediction! Side note: it says a lot about how legit psychics are when they are at the same expo as anal tattoo artists. Just a thought.

Too bad morbid obesity is on my “turn-off” list above, because the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) released new obesity data. Long story short, it’s not good news. We’re still getting fatter. Take a look at this map:

Living in Kansas City is no bueno if “no fatties” is on your online dating profile. Based on the above map, the SEC dominates college football…and obesity. Ironic. Don’t ya think? According to the study, blacks and Mexicans are the fattest. I’ll let you insert your own racist remark here. Also the map of “Self-Reported Obesity” shows lower numbers, meaning, most people are either unaware or won’t admit that they are not in shape. Obesity costs taxpayers billions of dollars each year with medical bills and whatnot. If I can’t smoke in public, then you can’t be fat in public. I’m Ty Fisher, and I approve this message.

Since we are on the topic of health and smoking, a new study reveals that eating egg yolks leads to two-thirds of the plaque buildup you’d see in a smoker’s arteries. That’s right, eggs are no longer healthy. Every week I read about how this fruit does this and this vegetable does that. Within five years, EVERY natural food will cause cancer, and we’ll have to eat the mush you see in The Matrix. I eat two eggs every morning AND I’m a smoker…I should be dead within a few weeks. Except for I won’t, because this article glosses over one minor detail: there’s more to your health than one food item. The very last sentence in the article says. “Studies demonstrate that healthy adults can enjoy an egg a day without increasing their risk for heart disease, particularly if individuals opt for low cholesterol foods throughout the day.” In fact, you can eat whatever you want if you supplement it with an intense workout. Michael Phelps ate approximately 10,000 calories a day, a lot of which was fast food. I think his health is okay. Mainstream media outlets are reckless when reporting on science. Headline: “Eggs Will Kill You.” Reality: “Eggs Might Be Bad For You Assuming You Consume Nothing But Eggs And Never Get Off The Couch…Study Reveals.” Do you want to be healthy, hell, even fit? I know the secret: eat right, exercise daily, moderation is key. Or did I just blow you’re fucking mind?!?! Neanderthals had six-pack abs*…this isn’t complex.

* This claim is based on ZERO information whatsoever.

Being broke is no joke. It sucks. So far, I have lived by entire adult life living paycheck-to-paycheck. I’ve taken measures to improve that situation (e.g. college degree, internships, drug dealing). Journalist (?) Emily McCombs feels my pain as expressed in this entry. Except, she doesn’t. McCombs talks about her DECISION to live paycheck-to-paycheck. She makes a decent living as a writer and spends her entire paycheck on whatever after all bills and rent have been paid off…every penny of that check until the next one arrives. Not the same thing. I hear well-off people complain about their income all the time. I’ve heard doctors complain about the lower salaries they experience compared to decades ago. I guess low-six figures isn’t enough money. Although McCombs never complains about her income, she is defending her decision as if she’s under attack. The fact is, most people live paycheck-to-paycheck because they HAVE to. If I could set aside money for a vacation, investments, emergencies, etc., I certainly would. After rent and bills, I have enough money to enjoy myself just slightly. Making good money and spending it ALL is indicative of irresponsibility and ignorance. McCombs will claim she’s just living life one day at a time and enjoying herself. Let’s get a hold of her in 10 years and see if her mood has changed. My point: unless you are actually struggling with your income STOP CLAIMING TO BE BROKE! It undermines those of us who really are. The word “broke” is like the word “faggot;” it lost all of its original meaning…and it’s super gay.

When is the last time you sent a “Thank You” letter and sent someone a courtesy memo? That’s what I thought. Guess what? Pirates are more moral than you are. Pirates are now giving out polite ransom demands on official letterhead. True story. African pirates have entered the realm of First World business. Below is a picture of a note given to the captain of a ship that was taken over:

Shit just got weird. Blackbeard is rolling in his grave right now. I blame Johnny Depp for this. Ever since pirates became cool from those movies, REAL pirates had to adapt their business strategy. The television show Mad Men did the same thing to advertising agencies. Modern day agencies used to consist of bearded dudes in jeans (i.e. hipsters). After Mad Men became popular, businesses expected the advertising agencies they hired to look like the people on TV. The old school agencies that were losing money to the younger, more hip agencies saw a HUGE increase in their profits since they were still sporting the three-piece suits…and were perpetually drunk and beating their wives. As soon as pirates start wearing eyeliner, it’s time to jump ship. ZING! Not like you could tell…Somalians are pretty black.

What To Look Forward To On Episode 105 of Soundtrack of the Week:

• Teacher/Student Sex Orgy Tape Scandal Extravaganza! (Part I)
• Progressive Insurance Will Defend Your Killer (Part I)
• Paul Ryan (Part II)
• SOTW Predictions of 2012 Presidential Election (Part II)

For more news and commentary that is as controversial as Todd Akin’s medical advice, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, he’ll rape you…and it will be legit.