If you take a peek at last week’s Roundup, you’ll notice that the intro monologue was deleted. For reasons I cannot get into, it had to be done. What I can tell you is the underlying issue that caused the shit storm that prompted the removable of the monologue: alcohol abuse. Those of you that listen to Soundtrack of the Week probably already know that as of last weekend, I am now a sober person. Long story short, I cannot handle my booze. Some people can go to a bar and have a few drinks. Others can go to a bar, get wasted, and pass out quietly. Then there is me. I didn’t drink often, but when I did I drank myself to oblivion and did incredibly stupid shit. Up until the past 6-12 months, the things I did were relatively insignificant. Alcohol has a snowball effect, and eventually the stupid shit I did had major consequences. On top of almost losing both jobs, I had a negative impact on other people’s lives as well. That realization was enough for me to say enough is enough. Why am I telling you this? People are good at thinking they are good at hiding and controlling their problems. Unless they are told otherwise, they will continue to believe in that. If you know someone that is on a downward spiral because of substance abuse, reach out to them. You never know…that may be all that they need to address the problem. I dodged a lot of bullets and am fortunate enough to pinpoint the problem before it completely destroyed me. I’m happy to say that I have rebuilt all of the bridges that I burned down. Getting sober is just me making sure that those bridges remain intact. Honestly, I will miss going out getting drunk, but just a little bit. I know I will much more enjoy not doing stupid shit and wasting an entire day lying in bed with an excruciating hangover. To those of you who can get drunk and compose yourself, I envy you. As long as there are no consequences to your drinking, I say CARRY ON! In fact, do me a solid, and have a beer for me while reading THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

We have all been on horrible first dates. Blind dates ending up being Quasimodo, the other person getting wasted at the bar (this is only bad if you’re a female, apparently), whipping one’s dick out in the parking lot. How about getting beaten, robbed and stripped naked on a first day. That’s what happened to this guy. After meeting a woman at a convenience store (RED FLAG!), the man* set up a date with her. According to reports, the woman picked up the man (2^nd RED FLAG!) at the same convenience store…with two other men in the truck (3^rd RED FLAG!). The woman said she was dropping the two men off somewhere. After turning onto secluded side roads and stopping at an empty cow pasture (4^th RED FLAG!), the man got out of the car to take a piss, because nothing says “Romantic” like pissing outside of your date’s car on the first date. It was at this time when the two other men beat him down, took his money, and (for whatever reason) took his clothes. Also, this happened in Florida (HUGE RED FLAG!). Moral of the story: don’t pick up woman at convenience stores…or Florida, but you probably already knew that.

* Who shall remain unnamed, because it already sucks to be him.

The United States of America: Land of Freedom and Opportunity…unless you’re gay, in which case, FUCK YOU! Why? Because God? I have no clue, and neither does the rest of the Western world. This BBC article attempts to explore America’s lack of rights for homosexuals. According to the article:

More than 50 countries, including most of Europe, have enacted national laws protecting employees from discrimination based on sexual orientation, according to the International Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and Intersex Association (ILGA). In other regions, such countries as Canada, New Zealand, South Africa, Israel, Colombia and Costa Rica also prohibit workplace bias. As for gender identity, ILGA counts about 20 countries, primarily in Europe, that bar employment discrimination.

This country used to pride itself for giving freedom and rights to EVERYONE. Now, most civilized countries are AHEAD of us. Add that to what’s been going on lately with our privacy, and one could come to the reasonable conclusion that the U.S. of A. is nothing more than a shadow of its former self. Brazil increases bus fares, and the country protests. All of this happens in America, and we have a national debate about fucking watermelon Oreos via Facebook.

According to experts*, the real estate market is booming! Home prices are on the rise, so if Bank of America hasn’t already repossessed your home, you should probably cash in on it before they eventually do. How good is the seller’s market? The extremely modest and non-descript home seen below will cost you $1.1 MILLION! Look, I know the government says the economy has recovered (it hasn’t), but we’re not quite THERE yet. This particular home is in Mountain View, California, which is better known as home of Google and the Mecca of Silicon Valley startup millionaires. This is good if you moved there pre-1995 and that same home cost probably no more than $200,000. This sucks if you’re the janitor for Google and need someplace nearby to live that isn’t an alleyway. I know real estate is all about location, but this is absurd! Start your technology company in Kansas City and live like a goddamn emperor!

* People who want to make money of your sale

In the hierarchy of worst human beings, it goes murderers → child molesters → smokers. Ever since New York City banned smoking in bars, everyone has jumped on the bandwagon of shaming smokers like a Salem witch hunt. Smokers have been confined to smoking in their homes and cars only…not anymore! A real estate firm will ban smoking in more than 40,000 of its rental residences. You want to smoke? Drive around the block like when you were in high school! With alcohol more dangerous than any other narcotic and fat people being coddled and void of responsibility, why are we so dedicated to making smokers synonymous with pedophile Nazis? Let’s not forget everyone is broke, we’re still perpetually at war, and a group of people are still not allowed to get married. In other words, we have bigger problems to deal with! Actual problems. Not surprisingly, this real estate firm is based in New York City, the place trying really hard to be San Angeles of “Demolition Man.” Better start learning how to use the three seashells.

Pop quiz: if you are feeling really sick, do you A) see a doctor B) chug dandelion oil or C) rub crystals on your taint? If you didn’t choose “A,” congratulations! You’re going to die. Too many hipster/hippies/morons are buying into alternative medicine, and a recent book is exposing the bullshit that is alternative medicine. Many children are dying because their dumbshit parents believe that rubbing the semen of a whale on their forehead will get rid of cancer. All of these natural herbs and whatnot have been available to mankind since mankind has existed! So then I ask you, why didn’t our ancestors live to be 100 years old? BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T HAVE FUCKING MODERN MEDICINE! It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or the neurosurgeon you don’t believe in to piece this puzzle together. If you are wondering whether or not some natural element will cure your ails, ask yourself this: how well known and accepted is this practice? Does the scientific community collectively agree that this works? No? Shiloh from Whole Foods told you so? OH! Well then, by all means believe the patchouli-smelling, dreadlock wearing, PETA-loving idiot what’s best for your body over a highly educated doctor who spent many years and hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans studying the human body how to be healthy! I suppose Darwinism will take care of these people. I think I made my point.

The world is full of questions that need to be answered. How do we balance the budget? How do we end hunger around the world? Is Cap’n Crunch really a captain? We can finally lay one of those questions to rest. Cap’n Crunch is NOT really a captain! We can finally die in peace. While some great minds are trying to cure cancer or looking for the God particle, some genius noticed that the number of stripes on the fictional character’s uniform does not coincide with that of the ranking of captain. Being the reputable news agency that they are (e.g. premature Boston Bombing capture announcement and 24/7 coverage of Gandolfini’s death while Brazil and Turkey are in the middle of a goddamn revolution), CNN decided to let the people know that they have been lied to this entire time. We are either officially out of problems or we are fucking retarded.

Here’s a topic that CNN might want to focus on instead: minimum wage. On previous Roundups and on Soundtrack of the Week, I have made it pretty clear that minimum wage is WAY behind inflation, but what do I know? I’m just some jackass with a microphone. Let’s see what entrepreneur and venture capitalist Nick Hanauer has to say: If the minimum wage had simply tracked U.S. productivity gains since 1968, it would be $21.72 an hour! This wonderful article goes on to explain that—despite what business owners and other rich people claim—significantly increasing the minimum wage will actually help businesses and the economy. Rather than $21.72/hr, Hanauer suggests that we raise it to $15/hr. He goes on to explain that $7.25/hr is not a livable wage and $15/hr is more reasonable. I work for one of the biggest corporations in the world. My job title requires a college degree. Guess how much I make? Fifteen fucking dollars an hour. If we increase the minimum wage to that amount, does everyone else’s pay adjust proportionally? Is a college degree only worth minimum wage? Are we, as a society, getting royally dry anally raped financially? The answers: probably not/apparently/yes, respectively.

Here in America, the media is reporting on cereal box characters while the citizens are coming up with breakthrough ways of incorporating bacon into everything. Meanwhile in Europe, they’re getting shit done and the BBC is reporting on it. Nine drug companies have been fined for delaying cheaper generic drugs coming to market. The European Commission has fined a pharmaceutical company $195 million for paying other companies to delay the release of their generic version. It should go without saying why this is appalling, reprehensible, and a danger to society. The Commission exposed internal documents from the company that referred “to forming a ‘a club’ and ‘a pile of $$$’.” With the disgusting nature of the crime and the irrefutable evidence, the company is appealing the fine that they “strongly disagree” with! Europe doesn’t put up with this bullshit. If you think that American drug companies are not doing the same thing, you are out of your goddamn mind! And if you think our government doesn’t know about it, again, what the fuck is wrong with you? I’m starting to realize that these Roundups are sounding like some sort of anti-American militia manifesto. To my credit, I’m merely reporting* the news…and I might have psychological issues.

* sourcing from people who actually report

Last Sunday was Father’s Day, and fathers all over spent quality time with their family. Some grilled out on the back lawn. Others went to nice restaurant or perhaps a ballgame. And one man in St. Louis took his son to a nice restaurant called Friendly’s only to receive this:

Unacceptable. All this guy did was spend quality time with his 3-year-old son on Father’s Day…at a bar…that strictly prohibits any under the age of 21 from coming in. Oh yeah. I forgot that part. Since he was already going to be in the area, the man called Friendly’s and begged them to let his son in just this one time. For whatever (maybe because they are friendly…ZING!), the complied. After the man received the bill with the bottom note, he did what any attention-seeking, whiny bitch “whistleblower” of the 21^st century would do…send a snapshot to the local news station. He’s like Edward Snowden, but with more balls! What did people do before the Internet? Oh yeah, they sucked it up and went on with their miserable lives. Let’s not forget that he took his 3-year-old son to a 21-and-over bar! For ONE day, can he just go to the Olive Garden? Parents: do not take your child to bars! I didn’t think I had to tell you that, but apparently I do. At least wait until their old enough to suck on titties for reasons other than nutrition.

For more news and commentary that is sure to be on an NSA list somewhere, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, the NSA will start following you…LOL, j/k…they already are.