The big news this week was the tornadoes that ripped through the Midwest. More specifically, the EF-5 tornado that destroyed Moore, Oklahoma. Like every other tragedy before it, people scrambled to social media to let everyone know that they were praying for the victims. Because—you know—praying is exactly what those people need to get their lives together. While many of you were letting Facebook and Twitter know how morally superior you are, others were actually doing something by donating money, food, etc. Merely retweeting or sharing a link to donate does not count. If you didn’t donate to the charity you’re linking to, why did you link to it? For the same reason people mentioned their prayers. Same reason, same effect. Meanwhile, a bunch of psychopathic conspiracy theorists such as Alex Jones were very quick to find a link between the natural disaster and the government. Most reactions to tragedy are very self-serving. Whether you are contriving an idiotic conspiracy, letting the world know you pray, or are one of the hundreds of news crews that swarmed the scene like a bunch of goddamn vultures, the end goal is all the same: self-satisfaction. The intent is pure. In our minds, we want to believe that we are just being good people with a heart of gold, and we’re trying to spread the word. In reality, the fact that it is YOU the individual (or news agency) that is spreading the word that brings us true happiness within ourselves. Speaking of self-serving narcissism disguised as informing others, let’s move on to THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!
Immigration is a problem in this country. Protecting the borders is costly and damn near impossible. How about we just kill them…with food! Research shows that being American is bad for your health. Immigrants have increased rates of heart disease, high blood pressure and diabetes the longer they live in the United States. Also, American-born children tend to live shorter lives than their immigrant parents, despite the fact they live in a country where gun-wielding drug cartels are not cutting everyone’s head off. Essentially, when assimilating to American culture, immigrants give up poverty and fruits & vegetables (staples of their homeland) for more money and Dorito Locos tacos (even the Mexican immigrants). If you never thought that the American empire is deteriorating, maybe the fact that moving here will lower your life expectancy will convince you.
Last Saturday, everyone was scrambling to win the $600 million Powerball jackpot. On Sunday, everybody except one person wanted to slit their wrists. One winning ticket was sold in Zephyrhills, Florida. Fucking Florida. Chances are the winner is either an 85-year-old retired Jew or a white trash meth head. Either way, he or she will be dead in a year. Making a Floridian rich is like giving a Mid-Eastern guy a pilot license. Better luck next time!
Mental health is no joke, folks. If you think it is, there is probably a diagnosis for that. Let’s check the new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) that was unveiled. The DSM-5 is the guide by which all U.S. psychiatrists/psychologists refer to when diagnosing a crazy person, i.e. all of us. New illnesses have been added since 1994, such as binge eating, hoarding, and hypersexual disorder. So if your home is stacked to the ceiling with edible underwear, you should probably go see a shrink. Basically, we are all certifiably insane. It should also be worth noting that the DSM-V is only standard in the U.S. The rest of the world uses recommendations from the World Health Organization. America: you’ll eat yourself to death while we ignore international standards. Fuck yeah!
Proms can get pretty weird; awkward slow dances, sexual tension, digging up a corpse. Okay, that last one isn’t (shouldn’t be) standard, but it sure was at the following prom. Hillhouse High School Class of 1943 finally had its senior prom. Because of Hitler (and probably Obama) the school had to cancel their problem while World War II was taking place. With most of them damn near 90, this special prom took place at noon (which is like 9 p.m. in old people time) and alcohol was available (mostly Ensure, though). Rather than fingerbanging the prom queen in the locker room, these students were receiving CPR in a nursery home. Blowjobs are better at this prom considering you can remove the teeth. Nitroglycerin pills, anyone?!?! These jokes practically write themselves.
Being a gay teen is still tough today, especially if you live in the armpit that is Florida. Eighteen-year-old Kaitlyn Hunt found that out recently. Hunt was recently arrested for being in a gay relationship. Well, that’s all you’re going to hear in the media. Upon finding out about the relationship, Hunt’s girlfriend’s parents reported her to authorities. Oh, and her girlfriend is only 15-years-old. You see, everybody is crying like a bitch and calling this an attack on homosexuality. However, a smart person will look at the laws and see that Hunt did in fact commit a sex crime. An 18-year-old can’t just bang a 15-year-old all willy-nilly—gay, straight, whatever. If an 18-year-old male had a sexual encounter with a 15-year-old, he too would get arrested and it wouldn’t make national news! Welcome to equality! If women and homosexuals (and homosexual women) want equal treatment, you have to take the good with the bad. Is it dumb that you can arrested for being intimate with someone you could have gone to school with? Yes, yes it is. Unfortunately, straight males have been getting busted under this archaic law for years and lesbians are not exempt. It’s way hotter, but still not exempt.
Even if you are not gay, being a teen still sucks today. Back in my day, we played a game called Assassin during the last week of high school. Today, teens can get banned from prom or graduation for playing Assassin. Hunter College High School Principal Tony Fisher warned that any students that participated in the game on school grounds could get banned from prom and/or graduation and even possibly snitch on them to college admission officers. Officials are stating that the game could get out of hand. If by “out of hand” they mean someone might get a little wet, then I see their moment. Unfortunately, they’re freaking the fuck out and assuming these kids are going to be packing AK-47s and sniping each other like Navy SEALs. Attention older people: LET KIDS BE FUCKING KIDS!!!! You know we live in a shitty society when we assume the absolute worst is going to happen. No peanut butter, no Assassin, no bullying. Those were the things that defined being a kid. Stop acting like every child is a potential psychopathic killer and let them have fun. You can establish all the cautionary rules you want, the psychopaths will still get through. Don’t let those fuck-ups ruin everyone else’s childhood.
I’m poor. Chances are, you’re poor as well. Everyone is poor! In fact, more poors live in the suburbs than in the city. Sixty-seven percent of poor people are living in the suburbs since 2000. This could be because the Great Recession left many middle class people broke. It could also be because more people are moving into the cities, therefore pushing the poor people out. Either way, the green grass and white picket fences are being inhabited by poor people. One way to look at this is to say that the socioeconomic gap is getting wider and wider. We used to have poor, middle class, and wealthy. Now, we have wealthy, poor, and really poor. What makes this scary is that no one can see how our society is crumbling even though statistics like this are coming in all of the time. The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer. This isn’t a Democrat/Republican thing either. They’re both guilty since most of them have money. We need to do something about this before things get really out of hand. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Looks like things over in the U.K. are just as bad. How bad? People are being denied jobs for being too good looking. Dr. Laura Fernee, PhD, had to quit her job as a researcher because men couldn’t quit hitting on her and women couldn’t stop being jealous. Maybe I’m being harsh on her. Let’s see how she explains it:
I’m not lazy and I’m no bimbo. The truth is my good looks have caused massive problems for me when it comes to employment, so I’ve made the decision that employment just isn’t for me at the moment. It’s not my fault … I can’t help the way I look.
Or maybe I was being kind in my representation of what she said. The irony about Dr. Fernee quitting her job as a researcher is that research has shown that attractive people get jobs easier and have better experiences in the workplace. Fortunately, the 33-year-old’s parents are fucking loaded, as they are giving her $3,000 for rent and bills, $2,200/month for designer clothing, $1,050/month for haircuts, $120/week for her gym membership, and $1,500/month for “socializing.” That’s a grand total of $8,230/month her parents are giving her spoiled cunt ass. Meaning, this has nothing to do with oppression in the workplace and everything to do with her leeching of her parents since that is much easier (and lucrative) than working like the rest of us. Anyway, she is pretty hot…for a 50-year-old:
Two facts that cannot be disputed: 1) journalism is dead and 2) Rolling Stone Magazine is a piece of shit. Fuse the two together and you get this: Rolling Stone owner Jann Wenner hired his 22-year-old, straight-out-of-college son to run Rollingstone.com. I just heard that smack against your head. I have nothing against nepotism, assuming that the child at least attempts to work their way up the ranks. Going from college straight to running the online edition of Rolling Stone is asinine! Jann backed himself up by stating that his son, Gus, impressed him the most out of all of the other applicants. Two possibilities: 1) the other applicants were wildly incompetent or 2) he’s full of shit. Either way, an inexperienced 22-year-old has a better job than all of us because his dad is rich and owns Rolling Stone. Trying to remember why I don’t swallow an entire bottle of Oxycontin other than not having any.
The Billboard Music Awards were this week! This is all you need to know: 1) Taylor Swift won most of the awards 2) Bieber won more than one, including Best New Artist 3) fun. won Best Rock Band against Springsteen, Coldplay, Gotye and Mumford & Sons 4) Skrillex won an award. Anybody have a bottle of Oxycontin?
3D printers are all the rage right now, especially after that guy told everyone how to make their own gun with one (see: last SOTW Roundup). Good news! NASA has stepped into the 3D printer arena, and they have engineers working on this groundbreaking device: a pizza printer. Yep. No organs for dying patients or tools for Third World countries. Some of the greatest minds are working on…pizza. Even if you installed these in Ethiopia and other starving countries, I’m pretty sure they need food and NUTRITION. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure they will be thrilled with a Meat Lovers® supreme, but I think some grains and protein will suffice. We can’t get back to the moon with 1960s technology, but having Scotty beam up a Stuffed Crust® pizza is just around the corner. Science, fuck yeah!
First it was Xenga, then Friendster, then Myspace, and now Facebook reigns supreme…but for how long? A new poll reveals that teens are migrating to Twitter. NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Due to a lack of anonymity and the old people logging onto Facebook, teens are spending more time on Twitter. This way, they can call the prom queen a raging thunder cunt without facing the consequences. Sorry, but Twitter is too mature for teens. Hell, there are too many adults who can’t handle Twitter. It’s been great flirting with people on Twitter knowing I have nothing to worry about. Now, I have to ask for credentials before asking for tit pics? Not. Fair. Pretty soon, high school students are going to infiltrate Adult Friend Finder somehow. I say you should pay a $1 fee via credit card to sign up for Twitter. Either that, or me and the other degenerates on Twitter are going to further taint today’s youth.
It seems like everyone loves Nutella. I can’t see why; it’s just chocolate. At any rate, there is one entity that does not seem to like Nutella: Ferrero…the company that owns Nutella. After a fan established a World Nutella Day that went viral, Ferrero sent out a cease-and-desist letter. Apparently, Ferrero does not like free publicity nor do they like the people that buy their overhyped spread that is just fucking chocolate. After the story of Ferrero being dicks also went viral, the company reached out to the official Facebook page and reached an agreement. This is the best part about the internet, the Great Democratizer: the voice of the majority persuades people and companies to stop being douchebags. Unfortunately, it takes something like the Internet for companies like Ferrero to not treat their customers like assholes. If the Ferrero story never went viral, they legal case would still be pending. And for what? Because dedicated customers wanted to give you praise and free publicity? Fucking ridiculous. What the hell is wrong with everybody? Also, fuck Nutella regardless. IT’S JUST CHOCOLATE!
Having sex with your best friend’s girlfriend is not cool. Having sex with your brother’s wife is totally uncool. Having sex with your stepmom is waaaay out of bounds. Getting caught having sex with your stepmom because your dad set up cameras to catch ghosts “Paranormal Activity” style? That’s epic, and that’s what happened to a 16-year-old and his 28-year-old stepmom earlier this week. Thinking they had ghosts, the dad secretly set up cameras to prove it. While reviewing the tapes, he noticed his son and his wife getting—well—“grabby.” Legally, this is a sex crime, but I have always said that it can’t be a crime against you if you beat off to it. I’m sure this will be in the kid’s spank bank forever. They also missed the opportunity to explain that the ghosts they man was looking for had manifested themselves too look like the son and the wife. If the guy is dumb enough to set up cameras expecting to catch ghosts, he’s dumb enough to believe that story. Just imagine all the LOLZ at the Ghost Hunters Society when being presented that video.
Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries has been under fire recently for stating that fat people are not allowed to wear his clothing, hence, the small sizes. In response, a blogger created photos of a plus-sized model and a generic male model posing. Here’s one example:
I’m not condoning what Jeffries did. On the other hand, I don’t condone this either. Although I understand the intent of the message, this does nothing more than encourage obesity. At the very least, it says that obesity is okay…and it’s not. Smoking is an extremely unhealthy choice that costs taxpayers millions of dollars in healthcare. What have we done to smokers over the past couple decades? We have shamed them! Smokers are synonymous with pedophiles and rapists now. Hell, there are more laws preventing smoking than rape and pedophilia. Obesity is also an extremely unhealthy choice that costs taxpayers millions of dollars. Why aren’t we shaming them? Rather, we are doing the opposite. We are embracing obesity. Why? I don’t know, but the rest of the world has to be laughing at the picture below. ‘Murca!
For more news and commentary that will shame you for being obese, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, I’ll shame you publicly for being a dull, lifeless human being.