On the last episode of Soundtrack of the Week, Episode 149: Forever Alone, I got to enjoy listening to my co-hosts spouting off everything that is wrong with me and why no one should date me. Whereas there is a lot of truth in what they said, I would like to say…well…nothing really. They were pretty spot on. Being single is rarely ever an easy thing. I can blame the past 12 months of failure on being perpetually drunk, but I was never successful before that either. Then again, unless you are happily married or in a long-term relationship, you too are a failure. In fact, life is just a series of failures until we reach that one bit of success. We will fail more often than we will succeed. In order to succeed, we need to learn from our failures. For more on that, you can read an essay I wrote that explains life through baseball and poker here. Before you blame a failed relationship on the other person, you better have had reevaluated yourself first. With that said, 100% of the women I dated in the past had to deal with an asshole. I am hoping that percentage as it pertains to the women/woman in my future decreases to single digits. One thing that I learned from Episode 149 is that the pursuit of love does not follow the laws of physics. Meaning, the harder you try, the more likely you are to fail. Business, school, and everything else in life does not follow that logic, or lack thereof. In other words, love transcends everything, including logic and the laws of physics. It has its own properties that are separate from the universe, because it is its own universe. I’m not sure if I just made that up or recently listened to a Bob Marley song. At any rate, don’t be a dick, don’t rape people, and don’t seek to impress. That is the sage advice from someone who has no fucking idea what they are talking about. Let’s move on to some topics I do know a thing or two about with THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

 

I may have gone on a few rants about how underpaid most of us are. By “a few,” I mean “a LOT.” Well, it’s time for another: Walmart Actively Avoids Paying Employees a Livable Wage. In response to a dying shopping center in Washington D.C., city planners are bringing in restaurants and Walmart to revive the area. Last week, the D.C. Council voted to require a minimum wage of $12.50 for Wal-Mart and other large non-union retailers. Walmart’s response: “Fuck you, I’m outta here!” I’m paraphrasing (slightly), but essentially, Walmart refuses to set up shop in the struggling area under the conditions of paying their employees a livable wage. If there is one company that can afford to pay their employees a sum of money consistent with human-fucking-decency, it is most certainly Walmart. I work for a company BIGGER than Walmart, and we get paid like shit as well. Corporations have a social responsibility to pay their employees a livable income that is proportional to their own wealth. Want to know why the socioeconomic is widening at an exponential rate? It is because the executives’ salary comes at the expense of everyone else’s pay. Your CEO can’t buy a new yacht if he or she pays you a decent income. That’s absurd! What I’m trying to say is, fuck Walmart…and all other corporations who refuse to pay their employees fairly and proportionately.

If Walmart won’t pay their employees a livable wage, then who is going to buy Kanye’s $120 t-shirt? In collaboration with APC—some clothing line—Kanye West has introduced his new line of clothing. For the low LOW price of $120, you can own the t-shirt seen below. Yeah, that’s it. It is literally a white goddamn t-shirt! Maybe the description will give us some insight as to why it is so expensive:

Collaboration between A.P.C. and Kanye West. Very loose T-shirt in Egyptian cotton. Short sleeves. Ribbing at neckline. Reinforced neckline and shoulders. ‘A.P.C. KANYE’ silkscreened inside neckline. Washed Egyptian cotton jersey. 100% Cotton.

Lol, nope. It just describes…well…a fucking t-shirt! I figured only a few assholes would buy this, but it SOLD OUT! I somehow doubt that the people who now own this shirt can afford dropping $120 on a t-shirt. Justifying that would entail having a high paying job, which (generally speaking) requires some degree of intelligence. No self-respecting human being with an IQ slightly above—NAY!—slightly below mentally retarded can possibly own this shirt. We’ve gone full retard.

Remember that anti-abortion bill in Texas that was filibustered, which resulted in Governor Dick Rick Perry calling for a special session? Well, it passed. America loses, but Mexico wins! Since the state of Texas can’t appreciate the whole “separation of church and state” thing and have made abortions more or less impossible, many foresee women taking matters into their own hands…because…you know…that’s healthier than the so-called unsanitary abortions clinics. Drugs are often used to induce miscarriages, and what better place to get drugs than Mexico! In addition to future criminals who were forcibly born into a family that didn’t want them, Texas will also see many of its citizens taking a road trip to Mexico for some good ‘ol fashioned pharmaceuticals. By “good ol’ fashioned,” I mean “FDA-shunned, bathtub produced, not-even-sure-what-the-fuck-it-is” drugs. Nothing can go wrong. Good job, Texas. You’re a close second for “Worst State,” only behind Florida, who acquitted a guy who murdered a teen, doesn’t know how to count votes, eats people’s faces, and also acquitted a BABY MURDERER (see: Casey Anthony…yep, that was Florida too!). Again, Texas…a CLOSE second.

Speaking of drugs, let’s check in on the sports world! Tyson Gay and Asafa Powell Test Positive for PEDs. First and foremost, fuck that guy for having the worst name ever: Tyson Gay. I refuse to bring this up on the podcast only because I don’t need my co-hosts constantly making that association with me. Moving on. If you are not aware, Gay and Powell are two of the biggest sprinters ever. Now, their legacy may be tarnished after both of them recently failed a drug test. Let’s go through the list of sports.

• Baseball: A-Rod, Bonds, Sosa, Clemens…pretty much anyone who is good.
• Football: Romanowski, Merriman, Hali…pretty much any good defensive player.
• Track & Field: Jones, Gay, Powell, Ben Johnson…pretty much anyone who wants a gold medal.
• Cycling: Landis, Armstrong…hell, EVERYONE.

Moral of this story: if you want to succeed as a professional athlete, DO DRUGS.

Back in the day, you had to do drugs and write good music to be on the cover of Rolling Stone. Nowadays, all you need to do is blow people up with a pressure cooker bomb: Boston Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Is On the Cover of Rolling Stone Magazine. Needless to say, many people are not too happy about this. Neither am I, but for other reasons. Does putting Tsarnaev on the cover—with that particular sexy photo—glorify terrorism? Perhaps. Is it insensitive to the victims and their families? Maybe. I don’t really give a shit about that. What does get me heated is this response/explanation from Rolling Stone:

Our hearts go out to the victims of the Boston Marathon bombing, and our thoughts are always with them and their families. The cover story we are publishing this week falls within the traditions of journalism and Rolling Stone’s long-standing commitment to serious and thoughtful coverage of the most important political and cultural issues of our day. The fact that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is young, and in the same age group as many of our readers, makes it all the more important for us to examine the complexities of this issue and gain a more complete understanding of how a tragedy like this happens.

Dear, Rolling Stone: you’re a goddamn music magazine. Stop trying to convince us and yourselves that your publication is relevant in any other way. In fact, your shit magazine hasn’t been relevant musically since at least the turn of the century, if not before that. What would people say if Tiger Beat put Tsarnaev on their cover? Same difference. Actually, Tiger Beat is more relevant and more honest about who and what they are. Here’s a better picture to use in lieu of the Morrison-esque snapshot featured:

The Internet is a wonderful place filled with some of the most horrible, vile, disgusting, racist shit you will ever come across…and porn…lots and lots of porn. Your one-stop shop for all of that is Twitter. France’s Union of Jewish Students (UEJF) know this, and now Twitter Has to Hand Them Over the IDs of Racist Users. Apparently, France has a law against the incitement of racial hatred. The union and four other anti-racism groups demanded that Twitter hand over the indentifying details of a series of racist tweets in late 2012. Twitter declined, but just a lost a lawsuit forcing them to do so. So let me get something straight…anti-Semitic tweets are subject to French law? Hold on…be right back. *erases 63% tweets* Okay…back. Anyway, if you don’t certain things on the Internet, LOG THE FUCK OFF. Unless those racist tweets were directed at innocent people, you happening to run into them is on you, not them. So many complaints from rights groups come in the form of someone LOOKING for stuff to be offended by. Whether it’s Hitler tea kettles or watchdogs doing a keyword search, these complaints are not coming from average people who were legitimately offended. And if you are offended by speech or tea kettles, man up! Being offended is on YOU, not the person tweeting stupid shit.

In what is sure to be a reoccurring segment, let’s revisit “Jay-Z Is a Fucking Hack.” Oops! I mean “Jay Z Is a Fucking Hack.” Apparently, Jay Z Has Dropped the Hyphen From His Name. In true Jay-Z—shit!—I mean Jay Z style, this completely unoriginal and uninspired. Prince (or is it The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, or that weird symbol, or…ahhhh, fuck it) ruined this move for everybody. Let’s go down the list of hacky moves Jay Z has made the past month:

• 3-minute Samsung commercial disguised as album promotion.
• Android app data-mine disguised as early album release.
• Six-hour, bullshit “performance art” at the direction of his “art adviser.”
• Egomaniacal album title that even Kanye sneers at.

Not coincidentally, all of these publicity stunts coincide with the release of his new album. Why? Because even Jay-Z—goddammit!—Jay Z knows that he cannot sell his albums on their own artistic merit. He has to sell them to us like a used-car dealer. At least a used car serves a function.

Bad news for the Jews: Twitter Will Keep You Out of Hell. The Pope has offered “indulgences” to new Twitter followers. I am not fucking kidding. This is a double “Fuck you” to the Jews: 1) it glorifies the same social media they’re suing in a very Holy way and 2) it doesn’t count for them. Follow the Pope all you want, Mr. Steinberg. You’re still going to Catholic hell! “What’s an indulgence,” you ask? Basically, it reduces your time in purgatory. In the past, one would have to do something like a full three-day spiritual retreat to acquire an indulgence. Now, you just follow the Pope on Twitter alongside Amanda Bynes and Charlie Sheen. Remember: an indulgence is “not forgiveness of the guilt of sin nor release from the eternal punishment due to unforgiven mortal sins; nor is it a permit to commit sin, a pardon of future sin, nor a guarantee of salvation for oneself or for another.” Nope. That type of forgiveness is reserved for much more serious acts of obedience to God: Confessions, i.e. telling a pedophile in a wooden phone booth a secret. LOL, religion!

For more news and commentary to enjoy while awaiting God’s wrath and judgement, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, enjoy an eternity in purgatory!