The opening monologue for this week has been redacted. Sorry. With that said, enjoy the rest of THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

It’s tornado season! By now, everyone outside of Tornado Alley is aware of this due to recent, high-profile tornadoes. If the media was no indicator, maybe this is: “Tornado tourism” is actually a thing. For the low price of $2,600, you can spend a week chasing a deadly, natural disaster that not even the experts are quite sure how they work. Who would be this retarded? Jennifer Giordano (pictured below) is one. Her logical and rational way of thinking is that a tornado “is going to happen whether we’re there or not.” So why not exploit it?! Rapes and murders happen all the time. Maybe we should set up a tourism business in East St. Louis and take a picture in front of a homeless man being stabbed by tweaker on bath salts. Back off! It was my idea first!

Bad idea: going out drinking with your co-workers. Worse idea: going out drinking with your students. That’s what a Slippery Rock University professor did, and now he has been fired for sexual harassment. Per Inside Higher Ed:

In 2010, [Ammon, the professor] led 19 students on a spring break trip to Spain. A student complained about a night Ammon accompanied students to a bar, asked each student how many sexual partners they had had, and said that he had had 100 partners, five of them after he was married. Also that night, a student asked Ammon to name his favorite student, and he reportedly said that one of the female students in the group would be his favorite “if she sucked his dick.”

Sometimes, honesty is not the best answer. Also, 100 partners? Let’s see…he was the head of the Sport Management department, so he is probably a douche who never turned his athleticism into a career. It is also worth pointing out that 1) he was disciplined for similar misconduct in 2006 and 2) he admitted that everything is true, and his excuse is he was drunk. Being drunk is an explanation, but never an excuse. Believe me, I have tried many times. Moral of this story: don’t tell people with any association with your place of work to suck your dick. I thought everyone got that memo, but apparently not.

A few weeks back, the feds entertained the idea of lowering the legal BAC driving limit from 0.08 to 0.05. However, law enforcement in Surprise, AZ has upped the ante: A man was charged with a DUI for blowing a 0.000. A 64-year-old retired firefighter was pulled over for “crossing the white line in his lane,” which is police code for, “this person isn’t doing jack shit wrong, but it’s after 10pm, therefore, I must pull him over since he is up to no good.” Long story short, the man blew a 0.000 and passed all field sobriety tests. However, Detective Sherlock Holmes arrested him anyway because, “I can tell you’re driving DUI by looking in your eyes.” Medical doctors with years of training couldn’t make that determination, but this (what one can only assume to be) high school overachiever transcends all logic and expertise. The man’s lawyer is accusing the police for charging him with DWB, Driving While Black (he’s black, by the way). In this case, I’m going with the notion that this police officer is a stupid piece of shit (like so many are) and needs to be fired before he abuses his power even more. I’m sure the Mission, KS police department will hire him.

Sports and boobs. They go hand-in-hand (TWO hands, actually). Not according to KU lawyers: the University of Kansas lawyers have sent a cease and desist order to the @KUBoobs Twitter account. Apparently, KU has a problem with people associating their good name with pictures of awesome titties—and let’s make no mistake, the boobs being shown are GREAT representation for ANY organization. The real problem with KU is the fact @KUBoobs sold bracelets…which proceeds went towards breast cancer research. According to the official letter:

Your unauthorized use of the Marks constitutes trademark infringement and unfair competition in that the public will erroneously believe that your business, its advertising and promotional activities, and/or products have been licensed, endorsed, sponsored or authorized by the University…

Bull-fucking-shit. No one in their right mind honestly believes that @KUBoobs is an official University of Kansas account. Furthermore, no profits are being made by deceiving the public into thinking this is sponsored/endorsed by the university. Even if they did, @KUBoobs has been some of the greatest FREE publicity for the school. Now, their litigious cuntiness has turned a publicity wet dream into a publicity nightmare. Nice job, lawyers!

How much should you tip? 15/20/25%? Is tipping mandatory or can you justify not leaving a tip? One restaurant is saying “No” to tipping. A Manhattan Japanese restaurant refuses tips and pays the staff a salary instead. The owner of Sushi Yasuda has decided to follow Japanese custom and do away with all tipping. Looks like someone is getting back to his roots…I’m assuming Scott Rosenberg is a Japanese man…definitely not a Jew, I can tell you that much. At any rate, the U.S. is one of the few countries that still follow the tipping system. European countries just add 20% to the bill automatically. Essentially, they just don’t trust people to NOT be assholes. Tipping is archaic and dumb. The fact that someone can be paid well below minimum wage and rely on us not to be assholes for a living is a shitty way to live. Mostly because the majority of us are assholes. However, as long as tipping is still a thing, tip your goddamn waiter/waitress!

Children. They suck. Most people shouldn’t have them, yet, they do. If only there was a pill readily available to prevent a pregnancy after one Hangover-esque night. After a bunch of appeals—for God only knows what reasons…oh yeah…GOD!— The US administration says it will no longer seek to block over-the-counter sales of emergency contraception to women and girls of all ages. Of course, we’re talking about the Plan B pill. Everyone complains about and mocks people (especially teens) who have a child that they do not want. Ironically, once we introduce a solution to that problem, people on the right cry, “NOPE! Nuh-uh! Jesus and shit!” Or something like that. Thankfully, the current U.S. government did something that was unprecedented…they made a good decision! They can still listen to your phone calls and read your emails, but at least there will be fewer shitty unwanted children in the future to experience that kind of tyranny. Remember, 99% of the world’s problems stem from shitty parents. This can bring us closer to world peace! Suck on that logic, conservatives!

Since we’re talking about the far right complaining about stupid shit, let’s talk about this: right wing nutjobs are up in arms over a tablecloth. As part of the Fourth of July suggestions show, HGTV suggested using the American flag as a tablecloth (see below). BLASPHEMY! DO THEY HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS?!?! Because I don’t, but apparently conservatives all over have called for the heads of the HGTV network. Listen, a piece of cloth is just that…a piece of fucking cloth! And don’t argue the “symbolism” behind it. Symbolism is meaningless, ironically. Actions are not. Using a flag as a tablecloth “symbolizes” you love America. Blowing up a federal building? Not so much. Lumping the two together is completely asinine! Let me repeat this: IT’S A PIECE OF CLOTH! Shitting on it doesn’t make you un-American; trying to get people fired for using it as a tablecloth because YOU are offended (i.e. stifling free speech) IS un-American.

Don’t get upset about tablecloths; get upset about the U.S. government’s PRISM program. Google and Facebook are acting upset. Google and Facebook have demanded that the Department of Justice allow them to release documents. After the PRISM program (the U.S. government’s program that types into major websites and emails), websites like Google and Facebook have come under fire. Google posted a letter to Attorney General Eric Holder and FBI Director Robert Mueller, which demanded that they be allowed to release documents that show what exactly the government has been requesting from them. Soon after, Facebook jumped on the bandwagon. They both claim they had no idea about PRISM. Bullshit! In fact, this letter of appeal is just a PR stunt. Both websites are playing dumb in terms of their knowledge to government intervention with their product. Bottom line: neither the government nor major websites are to be trusted. I know that sounds super paranoid, but all the facts make it easy to justify that paranoia. With that said, I need to check my Gmail account and post a Facebook update. In other words, no matter how evil this websites reveal to be, we are still slaves to the product…and they know this.

Not everything that Google does is evil. For example, Google interns probably make more money than you. In an age where legal slavery (i.e. internships) is becoming more and more common, some companies actually have the human decency to PAY interns for—you know—WORKING. So how much are these interns making? About $6,000 a month! That’s about $20,000 for one summer internship. In terms of annual salary, that’s equivalent to $72,000 a year! Internships should be abolished. If your company can afford to pay them, they absolutely should. If a company cannot pay them, that’s exactly why they have them…free labor! Not only that, but internships give the wealthy/well-off kids an unfair advantage. I would have LOVED an internship at a radio station in New York City, but I could not afford to do it for free. How would I pay for food/lodging/etc? Meanwhile, the kid whose parents foot the bill gets the internship and possibly a job in radio. Radio is dying because of stuff like this: some major talent will fall through the cracks because of lack of opportunities. Meanwhile, Google is an online powerhouse! Why? Because they make sure that the best of the best goes their way, regardless of socio-economic status. Can’t afford to move to Silicon Valley for a summer? No problem, here’s $6,000 a month! Despite their partnership with the government, Google certainly knows how to do business.

For more news and commentary that’s important enough to face a lawsuite, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, The Man wins.