SOTW Roundup: 11/18/2012 – 11/24/2012

Thanksgiving is behind us, which means it’s time to think about Christmas, effective immediately. Americans would start Christmas the day after Thanksgiving with Black Friday. This year, Walmart decided to start Christmas before the enzymes in your body could breakdown the turkey and pumpkin pie in your digestive system by having Gray Thursday. A recent report suggests that the average American will spend $800 on Christmas gifts and traveling this year. That’s a lot of money considering the hot topic during the Presidential election was a struggling economy. A lot of cynical bloggers will write about how capitalism has consumed Americans—for the worse—by using Christmas as an example. In fact, the holiday season is the best time of year for whiny, Commie hippies who hate Big Corporation to shout out their rhetoric. For once, I’m going to look at the positive side of Americans spending a lot of money on Christmas. Holiday spending reveals how charitable and giving Americans really are. Despite a struggling economy, we have managed to scrape up enough pennies in order to bring a smile to a loved one’s face. Christmas is not about corporate greed. Rather, it’s the complete opposite. It’s about how we are willing to sacrifice and save money so we can spend it on others. Do corporations exploit this giving attitude to sell us stuff? Sure, but everyone wins this time! We get discounted goods and they get money. I don’t see the problem. If you do, then you probably live a miserable, shitty existence, and I hope you don’t get a damn thing from anyone on December 25th. Anyone who says, “Buying things doesn’t show you love them; actions do,” is a bummer of a human being that never receives gifts. Buying stuff doesn’t show you care? Try telling ANY woman that! “Will you marry me? ‘What ring’ you say? Babe, an engagement ring is no match for how I treat you.” You’ll save a lot of money by not having to worry about a wedding. Show your love for me, and tell everyone about THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

I’ll go ahead and acknowledge the elephant in the room right off the bat. The news that hasn’t made as many Americans cry since 9/11. Hostess—maker of Twinkies—is no more. After a strike that left the struggling company completely broke, Hostess will have to liquidate all of its assets. Hostess—also maker of Wonder Bread and Ho Hos—have filed for bankruptcy twice already in recent years. Still unable to stay afloat, they had to cut wages and benefits, which led to a strike, which led to the company collapsing. The real question is: “How in the hell does a company that owns all those delicious products that fat people (Americans) love NOT do well financially?” Seriously. Owning Twinkies alone should net you good money. Whoever was the CEO of Hostess might have to be the worst CEO since Enron. Don’t worry, I’m not letting the unions get away unscathed. Yeah, wages and benefits being slashed really sucks. You know what sucks even more? NO wages and NO benefits, which is exactly what you accomplished by digging your heels in like a whiny bitch. Unions can be good, but they can also royally screw you over. I’d rather have a 32% decrease in my benefits than ZERO benefits. Two colossal fuck ups by a company and the union behind it. Not only do factory workers lose, America loses! No Twinkies?!?! How are the Ghostbusters supposed to explain how colossal something is???

Speaking of delicious (i.e. not good for you) food, Burger King is bringing its delivery city to the Big Apple. Ironically, nothing close to an apple’s nutrition will be served. Burger King has been beta testing the service around the country in such cities as Washington D.C., Houston and Miami. Now that they are hitting the big stage, this could be the beginning of nationwide delivery service! Nothing says “I’m obese” like being too lazy to drive yourself to a fast food restaurant. There will be minimum order of $10, but don’t worry. If you’re the type of person who needs fast food delivery (i.e. fat and/or really high), $10 worth of food is usually YOUR minimum. I know we all want this, but do we need it? More accurately, SHOULD we have it? No. We obviously have no self-control over our diet, and making 1,000-calorie cheeseburgers that much more accessible isn’t going to solve our obesity epidemic. The delivery hours are from 11am – 10pm, which eliminates all the late-night drunk eating, which eliminates everyone’s justification of eating Burger King, which eliminates this whole idea! We should be getting protein shake deliveries because we’re too exhausted from an awesome workout. The whole world is laughing at this right now. Actually, most of the world is hungry, so they’re probably crying. Think about THAT when you order your Double Whopper w/Cheese for delivery.

If you don’t believe in global warming, skip past this article. In fact, stop reading this entirely and go back to school…starting at the 3rd grade. For the rest of you functioning at a primate level or above, global warming just got more real. A climate change report reveals the dangers coming ahead. Specifically, we are on pace for a 4˚C increase, and that’s not good. Such in an increase will lead to “extreme heat-waves, declining global food stocks, loss of ecosystems and biodiversity and life threatening sea level rise.” In other words, we’re all going to die. But don’t take my word for it, let’s hear from Mr. Scientist: “A 4˚C warmer world can and must be avoided we need to hold warming below 2˚C,” said World Bank Group President Jim Yong Kim. “Lack of action on climate change threatens to make the world our children inherit a completely different world than we are living in today.” With a name like Jim Yong Kim, you KNOW he’s right. Why is nothing being done? Two reasons: 1) We have a bunch of dipshits for world leaders (and Congress) and 2) it will mostly hit the poorest regions of the world first and foremost. Essentially, no one gives a shit if poor people die. So long as we get OUR food and water, fuck it. And with everlasting food like Twinkies, will live forev—NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Hard times have fallen on Mitt Romney after he lost the election. Democrats never liked them and Republicans have abandoned the loser. Sad, lonely Mormon. Let’s check up on the little fella:

Oh shit! He looks…I hate to say it, but…normal! A Reddit user posted this picture he took of Romney pumping his own gas. As usual, Reddit commenters were on it with such gems as “He looks like he’s been on a milk bender” and “He also looks like he’s about 3 weeks away from becoming a super-villain.” Romney went from being the most out-of-touch, rich douche to being anyone’s dad. That is, of course, assuming your dad has $250 million to fall back on after losing his job and friends. Yeah. Romney is going to be just fine.

San Francisco hates dick. You heard me right. San Francisco. Hates. Penises. Let me rephrase that, San Francisco hates people waving their cock and balls all over the place all willy-nilly. The Gay Mecca of the world has banned public nudity. The weirdest part about this story is the fact that PUBLIC NUDITY WASN’T ALREADY BANNED! You’re meaning to tell me that—up until now—I could have gone to San Francisco, dropped my pants, and start rubbing my dick on everything and NOT get in trouble? Missed opportunities…story of my life. Seriously though, I’m okay with this ban. Let’s be honest, extremely good-looking people aren’t the ones running around naked. It’s the unattractive, overweight, usually 40+, borderline pedophile males that populate nudist beaches and take advantage of such freedoms. Essentially, this law just protected everyone from looking at someone’s grandfather’s junk. Not only that, but taking your girlfriend on a trip to San Francisco only to see a plethora of dicks that are—99.99999% likely—bigger than yours is—generally speaking—a bad idea.

Over the past several years, the Y-Generation has tried to make nerdy cool. Granted, it has been a miserable failure. For example, bullying seems to be a pandemic nowadays and “nerds” is code for “kids who were already cool but Buddy Holly glasses and Batman t-shirts are in.” I have some more bad news for all the real nerds out there. Weak kids die sooner than strong kids. “Swedish experts who tracked more than a million teenage boys for 24 years found those with low muscle strength—weaker leg and arm muscles and a limp grip—were at increased risk of early death.” That’s right. The jocks are going to live longer than you. The worst part is the fact that nerds can’t dispute this…IT’S SCIENCE! Nerds love science, and unfortunately, nature and science works in favor of the cool kids. So the next time you get picked on and say “I’ll see you in hell,” just remember: you’re going to be waiting there a long time before you join them.

If you love cars and eight-year-olds, you’re in luck! The Chinese Are Using Children In Bikinis To Show Off Cars. Don’t believe me? See for yourself:

Yeah, that’s not super creepy and weird or anything. Only in China would something like this fly. Could you imagine the shit storm that would ensue if this happened in the good ol’ U.S. of A.? How weird is this? To start, you had to QUICKLY scroll down the page to make sure the pictures weren’t showing on your computer screen. That’s usually a pretty good barometer to measure by. Then again, all Asians look like they’re 12, so maybe these are just actually 25-year-old models and we’re insanely racist. Chances are, what I just said is insanely racist, and the Chinese are just pedophiles. I think I might have lost all of my Asian readers…all one of them.

What To Look Forward To On “Episode 118: Cyber Bullies” of Soundtrack of the Week:

 

For more news and commentary where you can find pictures of 8-year-olds posing next to cars, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, you will get cyber bullied, humiliated and lose your job.

 

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