Israel and Hamas are going at it. I could spend this time talking about the horrors of war and—really—what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Or I can talk about how this is happening—not coincidentally—a month before Apocalypse 2012: The Mayan Edition. Instead, I want to discuss how Occupy Chicago had a protest march in support of people in the Gaza Strip. If I remember correctly, Occupy was supposed to be about financial greed/inequality. Established after the Financial Crisis of 2008, Occupy was organized to narrow the ever-widening socioeconomic gap. Now, they’re protesting about foreign policy and war. Occupy now stands for everything, which means that they stand for nothing. We were never really clear what Occupy stood for in the very beginning. We knew it was about Big Financial and the 1%. Other than that, the very same thing that they took pride in is exactly what killed them: a lack of leadership and organization. This Gaza march now adds to the confusion as to what exactly they want. It’s pretty clear that they are nothing more than an activist group that will protest whatever the hot issue of the day is. Occupy are the Cause Heads from the movie PCU; “they find a world threatening issue and stick with it…for about a week.” The hippies of the ‘60s also took on many issues, but they stood behind every single one of them through the end. That’s why their activism had results. Members of Occupy Chicago probably protested on Monday then went home and never thought about the cause again. Instead, they just plotted the next protest about whatever else is in the news. I’ve got something they can protest…THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!
Complete dismay over the election results is still in the air. People from 20 states have petitioned to secede from the union. It wasn’t long ago when I suggested that Texas secede in a previous Roundup. Looks like they have been listening! In fact, Texas is the only state that got the 25,000 signatures required for the government to be obligated to consider it. I say let them. Anyone who thinks seceding is a good idea is an idiot, which explains why Texas has so many votes. When they secede, they’ll have to find their own way to fund their schools and highways. Want to go to Oklahoma just across the street? Better apply for a passport! Oh no…a natural disaster has put Texas in a state of emergency. I hope they find a way to recover, because FEMA is for Americans! Social security, Medicare, etc…all gone. Tell me again how your government has failed you, those who signed the petition. Yeah, that’s what I thought. Now shut up and let the legally married gays enjoy their weed.
Texas residents are not the only people still butt-hurt about the election. This week, God himself spoke up—well—kind of. The Vatican has announced it will fight against gay rights in light of new pro-gay laws passed during the election. While the rest of the world is evolving socially, the Catholic Church is still stuck in the Dark Ages. Probably because they still don’t believe in evolution. Hell, even Republicans are starting to loosen up on their stance on social issues. Republicans are starting to understand that in order to gain votes, they have to live in the now. If the Catholic Church wants to gain new members and keep current ones, they’ll need to take a cue from the Republican Party. You would think after all the rampant boy fucking by male priests, which they ignore, the Vatican would keep their mouths (an assholes) shut about homosexuality. The U.S. hasn’t elected a gay president yet and probably won’t for awhile, but I guarantee you there has been at least one gay pope. Oh, the irony!
Speaking of rampant, religious boy fucking, a Florida church is protecting a pedophile pastor. First of all, yes, I know…Florida. Shocker. I should also make a correction: Shiloh Missionary Baptist Church pastor Darrell Gilyard molested two GIRLS under 16, not boys. Perhaps that’s the difference between Christians and Catholics. At any rate, Gilyard can’t be around minors. In response, church members have condemned his actions and have demanded that he resign. LOLZ! Just kidding! Actually, children have been banned from the church instead so that Gilyard can continue to preach the values of- well-hopefully not what he practices. This is half Florida craziness and half religious craziness. Combine the two (Floridian Christians) and this is what you get. Too often do religious people let moral and legal inconsistencies slide in the name of The Lord. If you or I molest two children, the members of this church will call for our heads. However, if you’re a religious leader, all is forgiven. Blasphemy! New rule: any church who hires a pedophile-or let them accept donations, as in this case-is no longer allowed to be tax-exempt per federal tax laws. As sad as it is, we need the government to regulate the actions of a church. Then again, if church’s had checks and balances 500 years ago, a lot of Protestants and Jews would still be alive.*
* Protestants and Jews are vampires, by the way.
Speaking of pedophiles, if you are one of those worthless assholes participating in Black Friday, don’t buy your child anything Elmo related this year. Elmo is a boy fucker! The voice actor behind Elmo, Kevin Clash, has stepped down amid allegations of having relations with a minor. Clash claims he started talking to the boy when he was 18. The boy eventually recanted his story saying he was 18, then re-recanted his story saying lawyers forced him to corroborate with Clash’s story. Bottom line: Elmo is a boy fucker. Somewhere in the Vatican, the pope is trying to find a way to use this against gay rights. Actually, the pope might give Clash the title of Arch Bishop, considering the similarities. Elmo being a child molester is just as shocking as finding out the voice behind Oscar the Grouch is a drug addict or the voice of The Count has a major OCD disorder. I wonder if Clash banged little boys in the voice of Elmo. It would definitely soften the blow.
One issue both Democrats and Republicans can agree on is to never fringe upon our 2nd Amendment right. However, we might want to consider regulations on how we obtain our guns. Why? Because we can now print a gun at home. Someone is trying to design a program that will allow us to use a 3D printer to produce a gun in the comfort of our home. This is perfect for those that cannot pass a background check and want to shoot up a school or mall. Also, if we can start printing guns, then it’s entirely possible to print out far more destructive devices. 3D printers are super expensive now, but at the exponential rate by which technology advances, it won’t be long before you can pick one up cheap at Walmart on Black Friday. It’s a sound investment; buy a 3D printer, print some guns, rob a liquor store, profit. Now that printing things is a reality, where are our life-like sex robots?!?! Get your shit together, scientists!
It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving week without mentioning Native Americans/Indians/casino owners, and it wouldn’t be American to not talk about boobs. Time to kill two birds with one stone: Victoria’s Secret apologized for its use of an Indian headdress. During a fashion show, a big- titty model wore a headdress. That’s it. The story should end there, but there’s always someone to whine like a little girl with a skinned knee anytime there’s any reference to any culture other than white people. Usually, one of two types of people ruin the fun for everyone: 1) rights activists who’ll be out of job if racism ceases to exist (e.g. Al Sharpton) and 2) guilty white people who feel the need to be offended for the party in question. I’m confident in the fact that there were not a lot of Indians looking at the pictures and thinking, “Running Bear not happy about this.” Mostly because there are only like 37 Indians still out there. Israel and Hamas are engaging in the apocalypse, and we’re apologizing for wearing feathers. Priorities.
Listen, I realize that social media is relatively new to us, but there are a few things you just shouldn’t do. For example: never post nudes on Twitter, unless you’re in porn or you’re a whore; especially when there are pictures of your kid on the same account. Also, never use the following terms when tweeting or making a Facebook update about the president: “assassination” and “nigger.”* It seems like common sense, but apparently, Denise Helms never got that memo. She wrote the following on Facebook: “And another 4 years of the nigger. maybe he will get assassinated this term..!! ” Ummmm, yeeaahhh. You can’t do that. Somehow, her employer found out about it, and she was promptly fired from her lucrative career as a cashier at Stone Cold Creamery. We now live in a world where you can no longer hide your ignorance. Dumbasses of the past could put a veil over their dumbass ways while at work and no one was the wiser. Today, are inner thoughts and dialogue are documented for everyone to see on the Internet. Stone Cold Creamery thought they were hiring some white trash loser. They didn’t sign up for a racist psychopath. With today’s technology, they can acquire that info and adjust accordingly. Conversely, how we act outside of work shouldn’t interfere with how we perform at work, especially when your job is serving rocky road to an obese fifth grader who’s celebrating his Participation trophy he received from his soccer team. Like it or not, employers using our personal life against us is the world we now live in. Either quit tweeting rape jokes or don’t be surprised when the HR person asks to see you in his or her office.
* I’m merely reporting the news. Chill!
What To Look Forward To On “Episode 117: Thanks For Nothing” “Episode 117: Thanks For Nothing” of Soundtrack of the Week:
- Pat Robertson says some more stupid shit. (Part I)
- Conservative pundit Bill Kristol actually wants to tax the rich. (Part I)
- The worst Thanksgiving song ever. (Part I)
- Alabama fan goes apeshit over a game. (Part I)
- General Petraeus resigns for getting laid. (Part I)
- Papa John is a horrible person. (Part I)
- The gang discusses what they are thankful for (Part II)
- Black Friday and the decline of Western civilization (Part II)
For more news and commentary that you will be thankful for, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, you should be thankful if anyone actually likes you.