As of this writing, I’m still recovering from a Saturday night that should only be reserved for people with a record contract. This was a night where stripping naked in a shared hotel room to take a bath at 3:00am may not have cracked the top 5 most Keith Moon-esque thing I did Saturday. With that said, there is one incident that still rubs me the wrong way that I have to discuss: bullshit laws/rules. After deciding to switch bars, a group of about eight of us tried to relocate. TRIED. One of the members of the group had an expired license. Apparently, an expired license is not good enough for the doorman at this bar. We tried to use the back entrance, but there was no getting past this James Dalton. I have said it a thousand times on the podcast: SPIRIT OF THE LAW VERSUS LETTER OF THE LAW! This bouncer had to know that our friend was well over 21-years-old. How? BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT ISSUED I.D. SAID SO! The fact that the ID expired doesn’t—and shouldn’t—negate the legal age stated on the card. This doorman was merely enforcing the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law. Does the law state that bars shall not accept expired IDs? Apparently. However, that is to prevent fraudulent IDs being used by someone’s younger brother. That obviously wasn’t the case, and this douche of a doorman knew this. There is no such thing as discretion in today’s society. We live in such a litigious society that everybody is petrified of being sued. In order to prevent a lawsuit, bullshit laws have been created, and businesses and law enforcement agencies are upholding them exactly as they are written. Laws are in place to prevent crimes, not to inconvenience almost every aspect of life. Yet, here we are. In the end, we found a bar down the street where the doorman had common sense. That bar enjoyed the business of at least eight boozehounds with credit cards. The other bar? Well, they lost out on at least $100 worth of business. Not just that night, but for all the other nights we’ll decide to NOT go there. Moral of the story: being too cautious about rules and regulations as a business owner will ultimately COST you money rather than SAVE you money. Here’s something that lacks common sense but is full of good judgment: THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

I like a good racist joke as much as the next person. As a comedy nerd, I understand that context is everything when it comes to offensive jokes. The following racist joke lacked favorable context. A rodeo clown made the following Michelle Obama joke during the Creston Classic Rodeo: “Playboy is offering Ann Romney $250,000 to pose in the magazine and the White House is upset about it because National Geographic only offered Michelle Obama $50 to pose for them.” Oh. Shit. Screw context; that joke is racist no matter what. If Jim Norton told that joke, it would slide for two reasons: 1) It’s Jim Norton; he’s offensive, but he’s not a racist, which takes us to 2) His audience is there for his offensive, insincere comedy and understand this. In the context of a rodeo clown—whose website promotes “good clean family comedy always”—it’s just plain racist. The again it’s a rodeo. These people pray to the altar of Ted Nugent and George Bush, so I’m sure the rodeo clown was preaching to the choir. At any rate, you can stop laughing at the joke…it was pretty funny. LOLZ!

Speaking of “LOLZ,” there’s nothing funnier than getting a DUI. Well, according to 18-year-old Paula Asher of Woodford County. Kentucky. After hitting a car and fleeing the scene, Asher wrote this on her Facebook page: “My dumbass got a DUI and hit a car LOL.” HILARIOUS! Unfortunately, the victims of the accident didn’t find it as funny and reported this to the judge. The judge ordered Asher to delete her Facebook account, which she didn’t. Shocking, considering she’s not one to break the rules. In result, she was sent to jail for two days for not deleting her account. Here she is:

I know, right? I was expecting some white trash delinquent. Not this All-American, girl-next-door. What are the odds that dad isn’t around? I’ll put that moneyline at -10,000. If both parents are present, I’m assuming they’re not professors or doctors. My point is that it always comes down to parenting. An 18-year-old with good parents wouldn’t find humor in getting a DUI and publishing it on Facebook. Don’t want your child to be on a future SOTW Roundup? You better emphasize education and raise them properly. Otherwise, YOUR child will make these Roundups so much easier to do.

Let’s keep the ball rolling on this talk about comedy—or the lack thereof. Soundtrack of the Week has a reputation of being “edgy.” Rape, pedophilia, Jews, whatever; they are all open targets for jokes and humor. However, even SOTW has a limit: Islam. We value our lives. France understands what I’m trying to say. Embassies and schools were shutdown in France after a cartoon of Muhammad was published. A satirical cartoon of Muhammad published in the country freaked everyone in France the fuck out! And rightfully so! Again, I have already expressed my thoughts on the behavior of people in Middle East, so I won’t get into that in too much detail. If you missed it, listen to Episode 108: Chiefs, Slaves & Muslims (Part II). I mention this particular story because it is indicative of everything I said on Episode 108. Someone can publish photos of Jesus, Moses, Buddha and Joseph Smith getting raped by Hitler and Judas, and the biggest reaction you will receive is people calling you a retard. Post one picture of Muhammad in ANY context—favorable or not—and you have to be put into the Witness Protection Program. We can sit here as a nation and a worldwide population and argue WHY this is a problem, but don’t you for one second debate whether or not it is a problem. If you do not think there is a problem within the Muslim community overseas, then you’re completely oblivious to the reality that is taking place.

Continuing this “Muslim Rage” dialogue, notice how I said there is a problem with the OVERSEAS Muslim community. Muslim Americans do not fall into the Muslim Rage category. In fact, U.S. Muslims are denouncing both the violence and the film that sparked it. This confirms EVERYTHING I said on Episode 108. Muslims in America have access to two things that many in the Mid-East do not: education and information. A lack of education begets irrational/illogical behavior, e.g. violence. There hasn’t been one domestic attack in this country in response to the anti-Islam video that was made right here. Why not? Because Muslims in America are educated people and have the ability to make decisions based on sound logic and reasoning. The Mid-East is stricken with poverty. Unable to afford a well-rounded education, young Muslims in the Mid-East are susceptible to the brainwashing of those with extremist views. Muslims in America have the cognitive ability to reject those views. The above story is further proof that Islam is NOT the problem. Rather, the problem lies within the torn infrastructure of that region. Damn! That right there is brilliant! Ty Fisher for Congress 2012!

If I could travel back in time, I would change a shit ton of things in my life. Taking a cue from “Back to the Future,” this would be done in the form of bringing my 18-year-old self a sports almanac. Alas, scientists say that time travel is not possible. Or is it? Mexican physicist Miguel Alcubierre has devised a theory to make warp drive possible. That wasn’t a typo; a Mexican made this discovery. They can’t control drug lords or find a way to supply clean water, but quantum physics? No problem. I’d like to explain how this works, but I have no idea what the hell this guy is talking about…I failed chemistry twice in college. What I do know is that the theory involves a football shaped thing:

Maybe we can harness the strength and energy of Ed Hochuli, and he can travel back a few months and prevent the current NFL referee debacle. Screw Hitler and the Holocaust! The NFL needs their refs back!

In an era where damn near everyone is poor, it blows my mind that some industries are trying to rape our wallets any chance they get. Airline companies are the worst. American Airlines is now charging parents to sit with their children. Here’s the short story: Despite the fact that they bought their tickets well in advance, parents of a 5-year-old—who all were on their way to Disneyworld for the child’s birthday—were separated due to a flight change on AA’s part. The change put the 5-year-old on the OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANE. After demanding this be changed—after all, they paid for seats together months in advance—American Airlines explained that there was in fact three seats together…that they had to pay a $60 fee to acquire. This is flat out extortion. AA knows that parents will shell out the $60 to ensure the safety of their children. It’s even worse when the original flight plans already had this arranged. Not surprisingly, the parents’ complaints went unacknowledged. Just as predictable, a spokesperson defended the actions and the need for such fees. Airline companies don’t give a shit about customer service. Why? There is an oligopoly within the industry. This is what happens when consolidation takes over industries: a lack in quality. Why sacrifice a few dollars for better quality when the competition is minimal? Airliners are assholes! The CEOs who run these—and similar industries—love money more than you and your experience. Welcome to the modern world of corporate consolidation and convergence!

Staying with the topic of corporations and shitty decisions, Chick-Fil-A will stop funding anti-gay groups. I won’t get into my views about how dumb it is for CEOs to take a firm stance on political and social issues. Refer to previous Roundups for that rant. However, now is a great time to justify all the protests that broke out. A common opinion about this situation was, “It’s a goddamn fast food restaurant. Who gives a shit?” I’ll tell you who gives a shit: homosexuals clawing for civil rights…and anyone who uses logic and reasoning to form opinions and beliefs. Since Chick-Fil-A makes a lot of money, they have the ability to sustain these hate groups who are taking away these rights. Yes, these are hate groups. They are hiding under the shroud of moral and religious integrity; then again, so was lynching black people 60 years ago. The outcry may have seemed trite and meaningless at the time, but what about now? These anti-gay groups just lost a LOT of funding because of the chorus of disapproval. This move is also symbolic. It reveals that too many people are aware of the injustice being inflicted onto homosexuals that being on the other side is harmful to your bottom-line. Mass resistance to anti-gay sentiments forces people to think twice before supporting such oppression. They may still secretly believe that gays are the devil, but keeping that belief out of the public ether is a huge step towards disbanding the archaic idea altogether. Also, Chick-Fil-A is delicious! No more guilt eating the awesomeness that is a Chick-Fil-A chicken sandwich. Let’s be honest, that’s the best part of this story.

What To Look Forward To On “Episode 108: Chiefs, Slaves, & Muslims” of Soundtrack of the Week:

• 47% Of Us Are Leeches (Part I)
• Muslim Rage Recap (Part I)
• Obama/MC Hammer Mash-up (Part I)
• Chair Lynching! (Part I)
• Kate Middleton’s Breasts (Part I)
• Consolidation/Convergence Is Killing Us (Part II)
• Consolidation/Convergence Is Killing The Arts (Part II)

For more news and commentary that Chick-Fil-A will probably quit funding, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, American Airlines will have to charge you a $60 fee.