After a five month hiatus, I have decided to resurrect the SOTW Roundup. Why? Simply put, I have enough time to do it. Rather than fall asleep at my graveyard shift job, I have decided to do something constructive with my time. Some people would choose to hone a skill that will get them a better job. Others may pick up reading a book, learning another language, or try to answer the question “Can there be nothingness?” Fuck that. I would rather compile a bunch of news articles throughout the week and tell you why a) we’re all screwed and b) my opinion > yours. Three hours a week doing Soundtrack of the Week is just not enough for me. Hopefully, I will piss someone off with these roundups, let it go viral, and have millions of people telling me why I am a terrible human being. Why? Apparently, that’s the only way to get a writing job nowadays. A degree in journalism will get you a job working as a technical writer writing emails to executives for a bank at a whopping $15/hr. A sorority girl telling her sorority sisters that she will “cunt punt” them receives several writing job offers. So if you are highly offended by something I write, don’t keep it to yourself and don’t just let me know…let EVERYONE know! With that said, enjoy THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!
As someone who is passionate about the medium of radio, I find it hilarious how some radio personalities act when things are not going well. Some actually blame the listeners. Others, like Rush Limbaugh, blame the radio station (and parent company) for waning ad sales. With his contract at WABC expiring at the end of the year, Limbaugh has threatened to leave the station if the owners keep insisting it is his fault they can’t draw in advertisers. In case you forgot, advertisers dropped like flies after Limbaugh called Sandra Fluke (rights activist who spoke to Congress about birth control) a slut, i.e. YES, it is his fault. One of the biggest problems with radio is that the people calling the shots are completely oblivious to their own ineptitude. When your ratings go down, it’s because your programming sucks. When advertisers pull their business, it’s because a) your programming sucks or b) you said some stupid shit. However, if you ask any on-air personality or program director their thoughts, it most certainly has nothing to do with them…you know…the same people creating the product to be sold. Remember the Kansas City personality/program director I referred to above? Below is a Twitter exchange he had with someone earlier this week. Apparently, he never read the internal memos on how to use social media.
Even though I’m an atheist, there are times when I think there has to be a god; moments when even a terrible Hollywood screenwriter would throw out such a bullshit scenario in their screenplay. Moments like this: The Chief of the Sexual Assault Prevention and Response branch of the U.S. Air Force was arrested and charged with sexual assault. Yup, I can’t make this stuff up. Sometimes, I think God is just fucking with us. Even Joe Eszterhas—the guy who wrote Showgirls—would scoff at this in a movie, and that guy wrote this gem: “Must be weird not having anybody cum on ya.”
Congress cannot pass legislation making it slightly more inconvenient for non-convicts and sane people to acquire a weapon that instantly kills. If that doesn’t worry you, maybe this will: you can now print your own gun at home. Are you an ex-convict? Mentally unstable? Perhaps you can’t wait for that background check to clear before killing your ex-wife. Acquire a 3D printer (cheaper than you think, nowadays), go to this guy’s website, and download the 16 plastic pieces to your very own .380-caliber gun! Next, you can print your manifesto on a traditional printer before you mow down a public building! The NRA will vehemently stand behind printing your own gun starting in T-minus 3…2…1…
Back in my day, I had to concoct a mental image of a hot teacher to jerk off to. Even if that teacher had nude pictures somewhere, there was no way of obtaining them outside of breaking into their home. There was no Internet to instantly download pictures of them practically naked, like in the case of Ms. Sprauer of Martin County High School in Florida. The pictures below made their way to the principal’s office, where Ms. Sprauer was then terminated from her job. With that body, making money won’t be difficult. In fact, why the hell is she teaching? Hot chicks have the convenience of not having to do shit in life. At any rate, the only people who were negatively affected by Ms. Sprauer’s outside job of a model were the girlfriends of all the teenage boys she taught. No need to get a terrible, awkward handjob when you can pleasure yourself to the hot English teacher. How the hell do kids get anything done nowadays?
Dear, South Carolina: Get your shit together! Why? You just elected Mark Sanford into Congress. In case you forgot—and I HAVE TO assume you did—Sanford resigned back in 2009 for using taxpayer dollars to bang some chick in Argentina. That would be fine except for 1) he used taxpayer dollars 2) he went MIA and told everyone he was hiking and 3) he was married with four kids. OTHER THAN THAT, he’s a standup guy! Really, Republican voters are to blame. You dumb motherfuckers would vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger if he—oh wait—never mind. In South Carolina’s defense, the Democrat candidate was Stephen Colbert’s sister. Seriously. However, she has an impressive background as a businesswoman who—to the best of my knowledge—isn’t banging some dude in South America using taxpayer dollars. People give zero fucks about the person they vote for. They just vote for their predetermined political ideology in the form of a party line, and blindly put a check mark next to the appropriate letter. We can blame the government all we want for everything that is wrong, but it is us that are electing these dumbasses into office. Also, shame on the Republican Party for allowing him to run. For a party that is trying REALLY hard to revamp their brand, shit like this is not helping. Goddamn, we’re retarded.
One week after the first active professional athlete in one of the four major U.S. sports came out of the closet, Delaware has become the 11th state to approve gay marriage. Not to undermine this great news, it is still horrifying that only 11 states have some intelligence beyond a third grade student. This means that 39 states still cannot fathom why they will be seen as complete cunts in the history books of the future. With Minnesota and Illinois also close to being on the correct side of history, the intolerance of homosexual intolerance is catching on like a virus…NOT AIDS! Some other metaphorical virus! Here are the states that can look back at a pre-1964 America and say, “Yeah, not going to be THAT guy”: Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, Maine, Maryland, Washington, Rhode Island, and Delaware. Of those states, how many are typically Republican states? ZERO! Shocker! I’m not intentionally trying to shit on the Republican Party like some MSNBC show, but goddamn, they make it really easy for me to do. I guess you can’t like money and guns without hating Jews, gays, and blacks.
Speaking of loving guns, I have some bad news for all of you gun control advocates. Gun violence in US has fallen dramatically over past 20 years. Also, the number of murders committed with a firearm is down, not to mention the fact “that less than two percent of convicted inmates reported buying their weapons at gun shows or flea markets. The highest number, 40 percent, said the guns came from a family member or a friend. About 37 percent said the weapons were stolen or obtained from an illegal source.” In other words, every proposal within the recently failed gun control bill is completely irrelevant. Believe it or not, I’m against the proposed gun control bills. Not because I don’t think we have a problem—we clearly do—but because the problem is not with guns themselves. Rather, it’s the culture that is the problem. Shitty parenting breeds psychopaths and killers. Teach your child not to be a cunt, and he or she will not be one as an adult. The more you know.
Looks like the Republicans (and Germans) are not the only ones who hate Jews. Stephen Hawking has joined a boycott against Israel. The physicist and cosmologist has withdrawn from a high-profile conference in Jerusalem to protest Israel’s policies towards the Palestinians. Loose interpretation: the smartest man of the 21st century hates Jews. This guy knows more about the universe—therefore, GOD—than any other human being. Not good for the Zionists. If Hawking’s next project is genetic engineering, we might want to strap that wheelchair to a rocket and send him on a one-way ticket to the cosmos.
Good news: the recession is over! Seriously! The stock market is up and shows no signs of sinking. So cash in those stocks! Oh…you don’t own stocks? Don’t worry, because only about half of Americans own stocks. The number of stock owners is sinking, yet, the number of stocks and their prices are rising. Conclusion: the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer. If this is not a good indicator of the ever widening gap of the classes, I don’t know what is. Before the recession, 65% owned stocks. When the banks went belly-up, us poors had to sell. The rich—i.e. those who had enough money not to be damaged by a catastrophic recession—bought them up. In other words, the already rich profited off the recession while eliminating a good portion of the middle class. I suppose we are the “Land of Opportunity.” The wealthy will take the opportunity to dry anally rape us any chance they get.
Quick question, gentlemen: would you hook up with the chick on the right?
Hell yeah you would! Bad news: she’s a Colombian drug trafficker that just captured after she escaped from prison:
Worse news: she’s a dude! Giovanni Rebolledo—member of Los Topos (and totally a dude) and sentenced to 60 years in prison—escaped from prison, got plastic surgery, and worked as a prostitute named Rosalinda. As a foot soldier of the Tranny Revolution, I couldn’t be more proud. Face it, we live in a time where damn near every guy would have sex with a transsexual based on the fact that said transsexual is totally hot enough for us to say “Fuck it.” Do not be ashamed. Embrace it! It’s a new era. Also, props to the Colombian law enforcement. One would think this was the perfect escape plan. How they found her is still up in the air. No fucking way the LAPD could have cracked this case.
Not all high school faculty members have hot pictures floating around on the Internet. Some have mugshots. After finding his high school principal’s mughshot online, Keandre Varner posted it on Instagram and suspected it was for a DUI within the comments. Principal Jamille Miller Brown’s reaction? Suspend him for four days…the four days before finals needed to study. Principal Brown tried to have an officer arrest Varner, in which the officer replied, “LOL, nope!” She then suspended him on the grounds of being disrupted and passing along misinformation. Other students have claimed Brown tried to suspend them for merely possessing the photo on their phones. It looks like the abuse of authority starts as early as high school. I demand that Principal Brown be fired from her job. Then again, she is setting a fine example by showing her students how the real world works. At any rate, I’m doing my civic duty by posting her mugshot for more people to laugh at and assume she was busted for prostitution.
Lastly, there are sports fans and there are sports fans. Also, there are intolerable, cunty women and then there is…well…there’s this lady:
On one hand, you have to admire a MILF’s dedication to a sports team. On the other hand, you know this women ranks high on the Most Insufferable People list. Guess what opposing team she was cheering for at home? Yup, Miami! Fucking Florida. I hope she’s a freak in the sack Mr. Guy In White Shirt, because I couldn’t imagine what she does to you when YOU do something wrong.
For more news and commentary that will never take a five-month hiatus, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, I’ll tell that lady above you called Lebron James a fag.