There is something out there that brings an entire city together. This thing also causes wars between separate cities. It’s a multimillion-dollar industry whose success in individual battles is dependent on the general running the army. I’m talking about sports. Kansas City is widely known as a major sports town…mostly because we have nothing else to look forward to. We take the Royals and the Chiefs very seriously. There is a very deep emotional investment with our professional sports teams. With that said, when the general of our army fails to do his job, he ends up killing the souls of the people who have fought very hard for him. Kansas City gave up on David Glass of the Royals long ago. Fuck him. The Chiefs were all the city had in terms of a successful sports team. Hell, Clark Hunt and Scott Pioli have an easier job than Glass considering the NFL has a salary cap. Everyone has an equal shot at the Super Bowl each year. It’s completely dependent on how well you manage your squad. Hunt and Pioli have let the ship sink despite the foot soldiers pleading for them to do something different. Like any egomaniacal military leader, Hunt and Pioli could not be convinced they were wrong. Us little peons don’t know what we’re talking about. So when the ship was about to go completely underwater, the soldiers (i.e. the fans) staged a mutiny. That’s what happened this past Sunday at Arrowhead Stadium. Kansas City is among the most pleasant places to live; nice people, great atmosphere, clean environment, etc. Overland Park is always ranked among the best places to raise a family. Sports fans in the city are very courteous; they certainly don’t lack class. So then why did they cheer Cassel after the Baltimore defense destroyed him? Because it marked the start of the revolution that the fans have been anxiously waiting for. Clark Hunt and Scott Pioli and “generals” like them MAKE fans like this. Merril Hoge of ESPN compared KC to the Steelers, citing Steeler fans as class acts. Of course they respect the organization…THEY WIN CHAMPIONSHIPS! Poor analogy. Our commander-in-chief and his general are destroying the Chiefs nations, the citizens staged a mutiny, and all of a sudden we’re terrible sports fans? NAY! We’re the BEST, most PATRIOTIC fans that will not allow ignorance to take away what we love. VIVA LA CHIEFS! You want to know what else Kansas City loves and is run by a dumbass? THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!
Many Roundups ago, I talked about Amanda Clayton, the lottery winner who continued to collect food stamps after winning $1 million. Let’s checkup on her…she’s dead. Clayton died of a suspected drug overdose last week. Shocker. I believe there are many people who are in legitimate need of government assistance. More often than not, those receiving welfare have brought it upon themselves; they didn’t “fall through the cracks.” Welfare is in place to help those falling on hard times to get back on their feet. Unfortunately, too many people are milking the system because they can. Clayton admitted to knowing about the mistake of her receiving welfare after winning the lottery and then further admitted to continue to receive it since it was still coming in. For many, welfare PREVENTS them from succeeding. Why seek employment and better yourself when the government is handing you checks? Don’t get me wrong; welfare needs to be around for those in dire need. However, their needs to be a tighter vetting process. Drug screenings are a good start. Clayton was obviously a deadbeat who was more concerned with partying than finding a job. RIP Amanda Clayton. You’ll be missed.
Remember, folks: you can’t judge. Stereotypes are meaningless and are based on nothing. Here’s a good example: a Chinese restaurant was forced to shut down after serving roadkill. This is certainly not consistent with how stereotypes view Asian restaurants. Nope. Not at all. The real question that needs to be asked is whether or not they have really good General Tso’s Chicken. If they answer is “yes,” I don’t give a shit where it comes from. In fact, you don’t want to know where most of the crap you eat comes from. As long as it is good and doesn’t kill me, game on! This story would be so much better if the Chinese restaurant owner accidentally ran over all those animals he served. Ohhh, all the lolz!
Speaking of Asians and animals, the Japanese have discovered an interesting fact: cute images of animals can increase productivity in the workplace. When looking at baby animal pictures (and when talking to babies) we tend to slow down our brain (i.e. we talk slower to babies). Essentially, cute pictures of kittens and baby chimps makes us sit back and focus. The research revealed that those who looked at the cute pictures were more narrowly focused on detailed tasks. I’m going to have to reject these finding based on a bias source. Japan loves pictures of animals…SHOCKER! These are the same people who worship at the altar of Hello Kitty and Pikachu. This is like tobacco companies coming out with a study that shows that smoking is harmless. You want to know what pictures increase productivity at the workplace: #PictureWednesday on my Twitter account. Now THAT is a study I can get behind.*
* Disclaimer: #PictureWednesday may actually get you fired.
I have dated a lot of crazy bitches. Okay, maybe a handful—I have no game. Despite how crazy they were, none of them will top this psycho. A woman bit a hole in her boyfriend’s scrotum! After a 10-hour drinking session, the 44-year-old woman got in a fight with her boyfriend of five years and bit right through his ball sack. OOOOUUUUCCCCHHHHH!!!!! If you’re a male, you just winced and crossed your legs. Crazy bitch escaped jail time, was issued 150 hours of unpaid work as well as a restraining order. “This relationship is over, I think both of you accept that,” the judge said. It doesn’t take three years of law school and a successful career to come up with that nugget of wisdom. Usually, a 10-hour drinking spree results in whiskey dick, not a hole in your scrotum. Alcohol can increase your chances in getting laid, but it can apparently increase your chances of having your balls mauled. The universe always has a way of balancing itself out. The man is said to be suffering from mental scars. No shit. To all the women I dated whom I tagged as crazy, I’m sorry. Looks like you aren’t all that bad. Except for one you who used teeth during oral sex…that’s almost as bad as this.
In news that may be directly related to the above article, Americans are drinking more beer! Because of the recession, beer sales have been on a rapid decline the past three years. You would think beer sales would increase since we’re drowning our sorrows in a bottle of booze. Well, you’re wrong. The price of beer has increased during the recession, whereas wine and liquor stayed about the same. Basically, we were so depressed that we traded our Bud Light for Jack Daniels. Now that things are getting better,* beer sales have increased 1.9% in the first eight months of 2012. Specifically, more expensive craft beers are selling like crazy. It’s pretty easy to determine who is to blame here: hipsters. I’ll be honest; I’ve been drinking a lot of expensive beer lately. However, that has more to do with hanging out with a new crowd who likes that stuff. Also, I no longer drink to get drunk…as often, at least. Budweiser and Miller are good for binge drinking. The beers you can only buy individually are good for sitting down with and enjoying. I’d like to think we are getting more sober and sophisticated, but let’s be honest. This is all about people proclaiming they’re better than you because they don’t drink that corporate piss water you drink…you goddamn fascist. With that said, you have to try Founders Brewing Company’s Breakfast Stout. It’s delicious!
* Just kidding, the economy is still complete shit.
Let’s stay on the topic of alcohol, shall we? Not only are we paying high prices for beer that tastes like chocolate and coffee, but there is also a market for high-priced liquor…soaked in boobs! A company is offering liquor that has been poured over the bodies of models. The whiskey, vodka and rum are being offered by German* company G-Spirits. The booze is poured over a hot chick’s body—including Playmate of the Year Alexa Varga—and filtered into a bottle for your enjoyment. Look!
The bottles cost around £100, which I think is equivalent to $100,000. You might want to check the math on that. I don’t know why you would buy one of these unless you are competing for who amongst your friends can be the creepiest. For $25** I can take a body shot off some hot skank in the Power & Light District in Kansas City. For an additional $25***, I can have sex with her. Good idea, but this is economically not viable.
* Of course it’s Germany.
** $5 shot, $20 bribe
*** Cost of a roofie
Todd Motherfuckin’ Akin is back in the news—#SMH. What did he say this time? Doctors are performing abortions on women who are not pregnant. Akin said this back in 2008, but after someone dug up the video and released it, it’s coming back to haunt him. Except for, he’s still cool about what he said. Shocker. Yep, Akin doubled down on his stupidity: “There’s ample evidence that abortion doctors on any number of occasions have deceived women into thinking that they’re pregnant, and then collect money for a procedure that they don’t perform,” said Rick Tyler, a spokesperson for Akin’s campaign. “And I say they don’t perform it because obviously the women weren’t pregnant.” According to the most recent polls, McCaskill is only up +6. I understand that is a lot, but come on! Only six points?!?! Depending on which poll you look at, anywhere from 40-45% of voters in Missouri are for Todd Akin. That is WAY too many people. McCaskill will probably win, but I have still lost faith in the state of Missouri. A bunch of retarded, inbred, Ozark-dwelling, meth-cooking rednecks. It’s cool. I live in Missouri, so I can say that.
As bad as Missouri is, at least they’re not Texas. Not too long ago, people in Texas were lynching chairs in reference to Clint Eastwood’s RNC speech. This time, students are throwing bleach balloons at minorities at the University of Texas. Yes, people near the UT campus are throwing water balloons filled with bleach at brown and black people. Missouri may support illegitimate rapists and fake abortions, but at least they’re not stuck in the 19th century. Texas is slowly taking Florida’s spot has America’s asshole. Florida may be rampant with bath salts and deviant sex acts, but at least they are over overt racism. One can argue that is just a rogue douche and not indicative of the mindset of the state as a whole. I would counter-argue by again mentioned chair lynching and other insanely racist acts that have made mainstream news headlines within the past year. The only thing Texas has to offer is kickass college football recruits. Other than that, it’s still the Wild West in Texas. Fuck the Alamo!
A few episodes back on Soundtrack of the Week, my co-hosts and I discussed how convergence and consolidation has resulted in a lack of quality in the media and in the arts. You can listen to that episode here. Journalism sucks nowadays since journalists have to perform many tasks that disables them from focusing on the quality of their reporting. Usually, this doesn’t affect the top-tier news outlets…until now. The Wall Street Journal is laying off employees and converging their newsroom. Here’s a memo sent out to WSJ employees:
“We must now begin a new phase of integration, creating a single newsroom that does away with duplication and puts extra emphasis on scoops, thoughtful analysis and deeper reporting. The aim is to fashion an editorial engine that will drive content for all of our platforms, from the print Journal to a real real-time news service and customized digital feeds for specialist readers. For that strategy to be successful, total integration must be our imperative, not to cut costs (though spending, like imbibing, should always be done in moderation), but to make the most of our peerless journalism.”
Yep, one of the most well respected news publications is falling victim to convergence. The memo claims that costs is not the motivation, but let’s be real. What other reason would the WSJ fire many of their highly sought after employees other than to reduces costs? Only the best journalists work for the WSJ. With that said, they’ll be fine in terms of finding another journalism gig. However, that comes at the cost of beginner journalists NEVER getting an opportunity. When former WSJ writers work for smaller publications, that means that novice journalists—who would otherwise work for such publications—are out of job. Another possibility is that these former WSJ reporters WON’T find a job since they come at a high cost. Therefore, great journalists will be replaced with amateurs. We need a fair balance of experienced writers and beginners to learn from them. Right now, we have both veterans and beginners performing MANY tasks, thus, not allowing either one to focus on honing their craft has a journalist and a writer. When the WSJ sets this kind of precedent, many other top-tier publications will follow. Journalism is dead.
What To Look Forward To On “Episode 111: Law and Order: SOTW” of Soundtrack of the Week:
- Butt-Chugging! (Part I)
- Overweight News Anchor Attacks Bully. (Part I)
- Fly Out of the Country For Free If You’re Candidate Loses. (Part I)
- NFL Player Trolls ESPN Anchor With “Meow Game.” (Part I)
- Alabama Fan Busted For Teabagging LSU Fan. (Part I)
- California Bans “Gay Therapy.” (Part I)
- Capital Punishment & America’s Mindset That Allows It. (Part II)
- Ty, Jay & Meredith Reveal Their Criminal Past. (Part II)
For more news and commentary that convergence has led to Ty doing all by himself, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, Ty will have to consolidate the workload to the homeless guy down the street…quality may actually increase, so scratch that.