SOTW Roundup: 09/23/12 – 09/29/12

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Being single is either the greatest thing or the worst. It all depends how easy it is for you to meet someone. For those that are drowning in a tsunami of sex, the single life probably isn’t all that bad. For those of us that have trouble getting a halfway decent person to give us the time of day, being single can be miserable. Whether a relationship is sexual or based on love, that companionship validates our existence. What’s the point in becoming successful, doing adventurous things, and possessing intelligence and humor when there is no one there to share it with? With online dating sites/social media/etc, the digital age we now live in is making it easier than ever to be single. People who, before the Internet, couldn’t comprehend approaching someone are now finding themselves initiating conversation with people above their league via emails and instant messages. However, it’s this instant, anonymous access to millions of other single people that has made dating more difficult as well. Our standards for a suitable mate have increased exponentially. This is due to the fact that we don’t have to “settle” for anyone less than “perfect” when all we have to do is get online and search through millions of profiles. Statistically, one can find someone better than they currently have with a pool that large to choose from. Before the Internet, we were limited to the number of people we had access too. It was easier to justify our significant other’s flaws when considering the odds of finding someone better. When that “someone better” is literally a mouse click away as opposed to endless searching in your immediate area, it’s easy to raise your standards. Socially awkward people have found a safety net on the Internet, but at the expense of having to clear the bar that has been raised unreasonably high. Instant access to everything—information, people, porn—has both enriched and desensitized our lives. It has never been a better and stranger time to live. Something else on the Internet that will enrich and desensitize your life: THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

Just a couple more weeks until the Hell that is the Presidential Election is over! Until then, expect plenty of news like this: Romney Cites Emergency Rooms As Health Care Options for the Uninsured. During a 60 Minutes interview, Romney had to justify his party’s cunty stance against universal health care. Fortunately, he found a solution:

“Well, we do provide care for people who don’t have insurance. If someone has a heart attack, they don’t sit in their apartment and die. We pick them up in an ambulance, and take them to the hospital, and give them care. And different states have different ways of providing for that care.”

Can’t argue that logic! Except for two things: 1) you still have to pay for both the ambulance ride and E.R. care and 2) an E.R. visit is a last-minute effort of not dying; it does NOT include check-ups/preventative care/etc. Romney’s “solution” is flawed and insanely irresponsible. If you are uninsured and have a sore throat, there’s nothing you can do about it…until that sore throat turns into cancer of the AIDS and you’re dying on your bathroom floor. THEN you can get the help you need (i.e. needED), in the form of a ride to the E.R. where you will probably die. In short, Romney’s “health care” will NOT prevent you from getting sick. It will just delay your painful death by a few days…maybe…but probably not.

Screw it…let’s shit on Romney a little more. Don’t get wrong, Obama hasn’t been a great president by any stretch of the imagination, but he’s definitely the lesser of two evils. For example, Romney Cannot Understand Why Airplane Windows Won’t Go Up. Here’s the quote:

“When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, there’s no — and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous.”

Can’t argue that logic! Except for the imminent death that’s the result of air suction at 550mph. I’m not a scientist, BUT let’s consider what happens when you stick your hand outside a moving car going 70mph. It tends to swing back if you don’t use some muscle to resist. Okay, now take that wind resistance and multiply it by at least seven times. Perhaps—just maybe—THAT’S WHY AIRPLANE WINDOWS DON’T GO UP! “But what if the plane isn’t moving?” you ask. “Shouldn’t they be able to go up in those situations?” Sure, because NOTHING can go wrong with people having access to opening airplane windows. Nothing. At. All. Here’s my new commercial if I’m Obama: “Romney wants to open airplane windows. That’s fucking retarded. I’m Barack Obama, and I approve this message.”

Want to know what else is an airline safety hazard? Babies. Fortunately, AsiaAirlines is sending babies to the back of the plane. The first seven economy class rows will only be for those 12 and older. Got a whiny/shitty kid? BACK OF THE PLANE! This is great for long international flights. You’re stuck in a steel tube going 550mph at 30,000 feet for several hours. Being in the presence of a crying baby or an asshole 5-year-old is justifiable grounds to open up the window—which will be possible if Romney is president—jump to your death and take everyone down with you. This new policy will prevent such tragedy. I’m not opposed to babies on planes; it’s the only way to ship your shitty kid to China. However, you do NOT have to take your kid to a nice restaurant or a movie or into my home*. With that said, this is a fair compromise. You parents out there probably think I’m insensitive. You probably think babies are the new Rosa Parks by being sent to the back of the plane. Wrong. Black people didn’t annoy people on buses…well…generally speaking. I should rap this up before it gets racist…too late.

* Even if you’re a single parent who’s dating me.

Speaking of babies and black people, minority children are less likely to buckle up in the car. A recent study reveals that black and Hispanic children are unbuckled at rates 10 times those of white children. This is probably where Al Sharpton will claim this all because the government is ignoring the needs of minority communities and that we are all to blame for this. Anytime minorities fall behind on a social issue, people on the far left and community leaders blame everyone and everything. Here’s the reason this stat (and most others) are happening: parenting. Statistically, there are more broken homes in the black and Hispanic communities than there are in a Jewish or Asian community. Asians and Indians are minorities, yet, they are doing just fine. Why? Because their culture has a strong emphasis on family and education. I’m not saying ALL black and Hispanic homes are broken and don’t care about school. However, I AM saying that there is a disproportionate amount of homes that do fall under that category in those communities. Is that the government’s fault? No. Is that the country’s, as a whole, fault? No. If it were, then Asians, Jews, Indians, etc would also fall behind. People in struggling communities need to take responsibility for how they are raising their children. If we continue to blame the government, then we are ignoring the real problem, which won’t go away. I’m Ty Fisher, and I approve this message.

Perfect time to announce this week’s “Parent of the Week.” A Youth Baseball Coach Spent $50k For A “Revenge” Team. After his talentless son failed to do well on a traveling team, Robert Sanfilippo used his own money to fund the Long Island Vengeance. Eager to take down his son’s previous team, Sanfilippo used ads and enticed top players from other teams to create a super team. Shit got a little cray when Sanfilippo started to harass and threat the opposing coach. Many, perhaps most, people are calling this guy a crazed lunatic. I argue that this is a father who loves his child more than your parents loved you. He wanted his son to be a great ball player, so he spent the time, energy and money to ensure the child got to flourish as an athlete. What did your shitty parents do to make sure you improved on your talents? That’s what I thought. Give Robert Sanfilippo an award…after his Yankee-esque little league team dominates and gets their trophy.

It’s perfectly fine to love children. I mean, I don’t, but from what I understand, normal people love children. However, a line needs to be drawn. Zhang Muyi needs to get that memo. The 24-Year-Old Chinese Pop Star Has Professed His Love to a 12-Year-Old Model. In addition to the two pedo-lovebirds being photographed in studios together, they have also been exchanging messages on the Chinese equivalent of Twitter. There are no damaging pictures of the two together, such as kissing or the like…well…except for a grown man hanging out with a 12-year-old is damaging in and of itself. Some are claiming that this is a publicity stunt. Worst. PR Guy. Ever. Unless pedophiles are a large, untapped, lucrative demographic, this can’t be good. Then again, here we are talking about them. Listen, I would love for Soundtrack of the Week to hit mainstream success. However, if doing so comes at the expense of being labeled a pedophile, I’ll pass. After all, getting laid by hot groupies is a major benefit of being famous and successful. There’s not a huge pool of desirable women lining up for guys who love pre-teens. I don’t think. It’s the 21st century…who knows.

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Let’s get back to politics, shall we? Remember Todd Akin? Illegitimate rape. Can’t get pregnant from certain types of rape. Bla bla bla. Remember how everyone knew his career was officially dead? Yeah, well, we were wrong. More Republicans Are Coming Back Around To Support Akin. Long story short, this piece of shit is receiving hundreds of thousands of dollars in funding and being backed by politicians. If a Democrat made that gaffe, Republicans would call for his head. Instead, Republicans are starting to act like nothing happened. REALLY?!?!? The Democrats played this smart by embracing his decision to run against them. Easy win, right? Wrong. McCaskill is ahead 46-40. One poll has it at 46-45. I swear to Christ if Akin wins, then we have jumped the shark in terms of how fucking retarded we are. I live in Missouri. I got out of Kansas; the state that still doesn’t believe evolution is a thing. When I left, I thought to myself, “A good! I’ve crossed over from the 18th century to the 21st.” Then this happens. I went from “Evolution isn’t real” to “Rape isn’t real.” Kansas, Missouri, and everyone below are all fucking retarded. If Missouri voters elect Akin into the Senate, then we need to kick them out of the union. We can still do that, right?

What To Look Forward To On “Episode 110: Suicide/Spanking/Sex” of Soundtrack of the Week:

For more news and commentary that will prevent Ty from running for Congress, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, you hate America.

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