Strippers everywhere will be drowning in a bottle of cupcake vodka this weekend. Why? Father’s Day is this Sunday! Statistically, a predominantly white/Asian holiday*, Father’s Day allows us the chance to not blame our failures on the one guy who was partly responsible for raising us to succeed. CEOs, Winter Olympic athletes, doctors and lawyers will have much thanking to do. The rest of us will thank our fathers for not turning us into serial killers and/or “acting” in scat porn. Comedians can thank their fathers for doing a terrible job and supplying them with a career’s worth of material. Whether you are male or female, a father in the home is important. A father doesn’t have to be a male, for those starting to draft an email telling me how statistically, children of lesbian couples do better than straight couples (I don’t know if this is true, by the way…just made it up). To clarify, a two-parent home yields more positive results. This is assuming that neither are pieces of shit, obviously. Gender roles have changed over the decades, but the importance of a father has not. Your dad may not be Warren Buffett or a first responder for 9/11, but if he didn’t finger you when you were eight even though you fetched his bourbon like he asked, you have a lot of praising to do. So grab the remote, recline your chair, drink your bourbon, watch some sports, yell at the wife for burning the meatloaf and enjoy THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!
* J/K! (kind of)
In last week’s roundup, I talked about two 12-year-olds who damn near killed another 12-year-old because of Slender Man. On EPISODE 192: EXTREME (PART I) of SOTW, I ironically discussed how I didn’t want to talk about the UCSB shooter—or any murderer for that matter—because media coverage perpetuates these types of incidences. Point in case: A 13-year-old tried stabbing her mom because of Slender Man. This is one week after that first high-profile case. Coincidence? Nope. How do I know? Slender Man was created back in 2009, and the hype has been dead for at least six months if not a full year. If Slender Man induces murderous tendencies, there should be dozens of cases on file. But there isn’t. The first one (that we know about) happened last week, and the second happened this week. Either it takes Slender Man’s hypnotic spell five years to kick in OR this is clearly a case of a copycat who got the idea from all of the mainstream media attention. This shows how influential mainstream media attention to violent crimes is on misguided dipshits, and this is exactly why I rarely bring them up unless it proves a greater point. 1 point ® me, 0 points ® everyone who died because of a copycat murder.
The following went viral across Facebook, and guess what? It’s actually true! Rich people and cities are using spikes to deter homeless people. Benches, underneath bridges, ledges, anywhere where one might lie down comfortably in public, spike installations are being propped up to prevent homeless people from lying there. Rather than find a way to help homeless people, we have decided to decree a medieval act that future generations will look back at and say “Really?” Again taking a historical point-of-view on this, these spikes will be permanent fixtures of the ancient ruins of the 21st century Western civilization before the aliens or Godzilla or whoever the fuck took over. Think about the iron maidens (not the band, burnout) of the Middle Ages. Sure, Europeans of that time probably did a lot of great things, but how the hell are we going to just ignore a casket of penetrating death? We won’t and in fact, caskets of death tend to rise to the top of things to talk about. These spikes may not be Judas Cradles (Google it), but since they’re right there in the open, archaeologists and historians of the future will have some questions.
Generation X was once labeled a lazy, Cheetos-eating, Mountain Dew-drinking, bunch of X-Game stoners. It’s no wonder that Gen Xers will probably never get to retire. And just like they did in the 80s and 90s, they can blame their parents for this. Except this time it’s actually true. According to Bloomberg, here’s a list of how Baby Boomers (aka the Worst Generation) fucked their kids over:
- Gen Xers started buying houses right before the price plunge/house crisis of 2008
- Only 1/3 of Gen X households have more wealth than their parents at same age
- Gen Xers will live on half of pre-retirement income; Baby Boomers will live off of 60%
- Gen Xers lost half of their wealth between 2007 and 2010, thanks to Boomer greed
- Student loans…enough said
- The job market is complete shit…who’s responsible for that?
Generation X may be the first generation in U.S. history that will do worse than the generation before them, and things are not looking any better for the Millennials. It’s a good thing that Baby Boomers are hoarding all of the money, because their children won’t/can’t do shit when they are too old and disabled to move. Have fun at the retirement home*, fuckers.
* Thanks to the Baby Boomers, retirement homes will eventually go out of business as well
A few weeks ago on EPISODE 189: TREASON OF SPEECH (PART II), SOTW more or less defended Donald Sterling. We all agree he is a racist piece of shit, but the invasion of privacy and the slippery slope it can lead to for all of us put us
on Team Sterling. His lawyers agree: Sterling has severed the deal to sell and is suing the NBA for $1 billion. According to the AP: “The lawsuit alleges the league violated his constitutional rights by relying on information from an ‘illegal’ recording that publicized racist remarks he made to a girlfriend. It also said the league committed a breach of contract by fining Sterling $2.5 million and that it violated antitrust laws by trying to force a sale.” You can read Sterling’s official statement on the right. If saying morally questionable things to someone in private is grounds for getting fired, we would all be out of a job. I understand that Sterling has a long history of racism that has had a direct effect on others, but this is the wrong way to finally get rid of him. Either give someone the boot legally and ethically or bite the bullet. When we punish the rich and famous for something we would riot over if we were handed a similar sentence for a similar act, we have turned into hypocrites who base judgment and punishment off of kneejerk reactions and emotional appeal…like the shitty government we’re always protesting against. If you want complete justice, you have to spread it out evenly. In this case, a logical and rational conclusion to this Sterling Case is to do nothing. I’m not a Sterling apologizer. Rather, I’m apologizing for all the hypocrites who said stupid shit at one time, i.e. everybody.
If you have been keeping up with these Roundups, you already know that Texas Gov. Rick Perry is a giant piece of shit. He’s also mentally retarded and should seek help: Rick Perry compares homosexuality to alcoholism. I should end this segment here since the humor and retardation speaks for itself…but I won’t. Here’s what Gov. Perry said:
Whether or not you feel compelled to follow a particular lifestyle or not, you have the ability to decide not to do that. I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.
You heard the man: homosexuality is like an addiction. Instead of sucking dick for coke, gay men suck…dick…for dick??? I guess they reverse the roles and give you coke to suck your dick. If only that were true. Also, equating homosexuality to the addict gene must mean that there is a gay gene. Therefore, you ARE born gay. BOOM! Gotcha, Rick! In the same interview, Gov. Perry talked about the proven-to-be-complete-bullshit “reparative therapy” for gays, made anti-climate change remarks and defended fracking. By the way, all of his remarks have been dismantled by the overwhelming consensus of people we call “scientists” and “academics.” But like the honey badger, Gov. Perry don’t give a shit. Depressing side note: Gov. Perry is extremely powerful in the government and is a strong contender for the 2016 GOP presidential candidacy. 😥
Politics are not the only thing in this country that’s making the film “Idiocracy” seem prophetic. Television and entertainment are also going the way of the intellectually brain-dead masses: Vine sensation TerRio signed a television deal. Who the fuck is TelRio? I have no idea, but apparently I am in the minority here. TelRio is a morbidly obese six-year-old who reached bullshit Internet fame by being a fat six-year-old dancing like he’s a thin 20-something-year-old. Hilarious. So what could a development deal possibly entail? Who the fuck knows?!?! Based on what’s currently on television, the bar has been lowered for him, which is good because he can’t jump very high. I thought we jumped the shark long ago with handing out fame and money to Internet jackoffs who possess zero talent. We live in an era where delayed gratification is scoffed at since Millennial are under the impression that the only thing they need to do in order to strike it rich is exploit your kids/cats/fat child on YouTube and pray it goes viral. Vine is worse than YouTube since it only asks the users to think of six seconds of bullshit rather than a full minute or more. Vince is indicative of this no-talent, instant gratification generation. Entertainment in the future will consist of cat video compilations in theatres and albums of people banging on house appliances with fake light sabers.
While kids like TerRio are landing television deals, children with real talent and ambition are getting little to no publicity at all. Time to give credit where credit is due: California 10-year-old boy receives high school diploma. Admitted to Mensa at the age of FOUR, 10-year-old Tanishq Abraham has acquired his high school diploma. He actually completed it in March, but has been too busy taking courses at a local community college. At face value, we should all applaud this kid. But being the dick that I am, I’m going to tear apart this accomplishment. To start, he acquired a high school diploma from the California school system, one of the worst education systems in the nation. Think about some of the incredibly stupid people you graduated high school with. If you didn’t graduate high school in California, there are dumber people than people you went to high school with who finished. Congrats, Tanishq! You can do basic algebra and know where to insert a comma in a sentence! Also, he’s taking classes at a local community college? Big fucking deal. Strippers and high school burnouts looking for a way to rationalize their failures in life go to community college. At this rate, Tanishq is on his way to being a doorman at a nightclub, working construction or being a stripper. Keep it up, genius!
Nowadays, everyone is on a health kick. People are chugging kale shakes, buying organic food and demonizing gluten. Too bad everyone is a fucking idiot and has no idea what they’re doing. Surprisingly, the U.S. government has come to the rescue: SCOTUS says that Coca-Cola can be sued by Pom Wonderful. Pom Wonderful, which sells actual pomegranate juice, is suing Minute Maid’s Pomegranate Blueberry juice for false advertisement. Why? Because Minute Maid’s drink is 0.2% blueberry juice and 0.3 percent pomegranate juice. It’s actually 99.4% apple and grape juice. Yet, everyone bought it because it says pomegranate on it. The truth is if you are trying to be healthy and buy Minute Maid, you are a goddamn idiot. Fruit juices are full of sugar and other shit that is not good for you. Pomegranate isn’t even a superfood. The fact that Coca-Cola lost this case is indicative of one of two things: 1) not even their lobbyists can penetrate the strong arm of the law OR 2) their marketing scheme was so blatantly full of shit that nothing can be done. Probably the latter. Major corporations have been duping us with complete disregard for our health and well being for decades by way of manipulative marketing and advertising. The fact that the SCOTUS finally did what was right rather than what lines their pockets brings a smile to my face. A slimy, green smile because I’m eating the shit out of watercress now. Fuck kale!
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