Throughout the many Roundups I have written, two common themes have been gentrification and stagnant wages vs increased cost of living. I have often claimed that Kansas City, like most major cities, is being gentrified. Welp, it’s happening (see above pic). I moved to midtown KC because I was broke. Living near downtown wasn’t exactly the cool thing to do just three years ago. It’s where you went when you couldn’t afford to live on the Kansas side where the taxes are better, the crime is minimal and the Starbucks/shopping centers are plentiful. Following the New York City trend, the rich kids are starting to move in. Less than a year ago, someone bought an entire duplex down the street and turned it into his own home. The guy drives a Maserati. The entire block was—and for the most part, still is—shitty apartments. After Maserati guy moved in, I have noticed other renovated properties popping up amongst us poors. Now, my rent has gone up under the context of overall property value going up in a part of town that mostly consists of poor art students and adults who made poor decisions. Meanwhile, wages for most of us in the neighborhood are well below inflation over the years. Gentrification is fine when abandoned buildings/areas are beautified. However, when it involves chasing out the poors in order for the rich to live closer to the fucking Power & Light District, we have a problem. My rent only went up about 3-5 percent, but who knows when it’ll go up again and by how much. It’s hard to argue against gentrification when it turns a struggling area into a more utopic piece of real estate and scenery where tourists are likely to see. It’s hard to argue against a more visually appealing city, unless you’re the one getting pushed away. Regardless of where you fall on gentrification, enjoy THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

 

Sex sells, so the New York Post (which has about as much integrity as the Weekly World News) had to do a write-up on a book that answers many of our questions related to sex. As someone who has integrity but is desperate for more readerships, I’m regurgitating it with much needed commentary. To start:

57 percent of men and 51 percent of women ages 18 to 24 ‘have not had sex in the last year,’ and that ‘only 36% of men reported having watched at least one pornographic film in the last year…’

Bullshit or Millennials are just as pathetic as I was at 18-24. And the 36% porn viewing MAJOR BULLSHIT, no exceptions. Unless the interviewees took “film” literally and did not account for 30-second clips on Motherless.com, they are lying. On Episode 194: Trendy (Part I), my female co-host proclaimed six inches to be large for a penis. The male world rejoiced! Better news: 5.6 is the average, meaning she was correct! The article also mentions how one study measured flaccid penises by stretching them out. The average came in at 4.7-5.1 inches. I will not allow 1) this study to count because 2) the stretching of a flaccid dick is horrific and not indicative of anything more than a drunk handjob. Also noteworthy: you burn 25-125 calories during sex. Twenty-five if you’re lame, 125 if you—like W.A.S.P. infamously phrased it—fuck like a beast. Tell your S.O. that rough sex three times a day is better than running. Circumcised penises? Better than uncut penises, both in health and sensitivity. Also, a circumcised penis increases your odds of receiving a blowjob tenfold. That’s not in the book. That’s just commonsense. Lastly, despite having gone to the fucking MOON, scientists still cannot agree on the existence of the G-spot. Even if we do discover it, you can either please your woman or you can’t. Scientific discovery will not change your inability to make her orgasm. Sorry.

Unless you’re at Rockfest, crowd surfing can be fun. In addition to superior music, rock concerts are far more entertaining than any other genre…except maybe classical music: Leading scientist ejected from classical concert for attempting to crowd surf. Shit was bound to get weird when the original concept of the performance of Handel’s Messiah at the Bristol Old Vic was to allow the audience “to come to the front with their drinks and ‘clap or whoop when you like, and no shushing other people’.” During this metal version of a classical performance, Dr. David Glowacki did the metal thing to do: crowd surf. Apparently, that was too metal for these concertgoers, so they booted his ass. Listen, if you want to do a metal-like concert of Handel, you have to accept the full metal experience. No cherry picking. This means 1) crowd surfing 2) people doing blow in the bathroom 3) the oboe player getting a blowjob during his solo 4) groupie ODing in the orchestra pit. As for Dr. Glowacki, if you want to be truly metal-classical, crowd surf during a traditional performance. \m/-_-\m/

On SOTW, I constantly bring up how the only sure way to success is to have rich parents. Hard work, dedication and white privilege do not have the same impact they once did. Nowadays, it doesn’t matter if you are black, white, red, yellow, brown or any other color that white people will get angry at me for using to describe a race of people. Nope. The only thing that matters is socioeconomic status…especially when it comes to politics. Take this douche extraordinaire for example: A 27-year-old’s campaign for Congress is being funded by his mom. To start, can’t a single person only donate so much money? This is true except for 1) super PACs and 2) a family trust fund that technically can count as his own money. In addition to his mom’s donations amounting to over $100k, Mike Turner donated more than $300k from his his stake in the family trucking business to run for the Republican primary for Oklahoma’s fifth congressional district. Oh, Mikey still lives at home…kind of. His address is still his childhood home…that he now partly owns. Work experience? LOL, nope. His website credits him as an entrepreneur and consultant. However, he doesn’t list one business he has owned/consulted and there are no records of businesses under his name. Essentially, he’s a rich kid that bought his way into office. He actually made the Oklahoma House last year where he tried to introduce a bill that banned ALL marriages as a way to solve the whole gay marriage debacle. He spent over $400k more than the person who spent the second most running for office against him this year. Silver lining: dumb motherfucker still lost.

ATTENTION any entity that has the slightest reference to Native Americans: you’re next. After not-quite-successfully suing the Washington Redskins for their disparaging, another representative of Native Americans is pissed off about something else that doesn’t matter. The Redhawk Native American Arts Council is mad at a Kardashian. For what? The Instagram pics on your right. I’m not even going to get into the dumbass reason why Khloe Kardashian was donning a war headdress, because it doesn’t fucking matter. All you need to know is that one of the most worthless human beings on the planet wore a goddamn Indian* costume for a stupid party and now SOME Native Americans are pissed because that’s the new trend. Ever since we raped their women and land, the few Native Americans we allowed to live have been remarkably quiet. So what happened? White guilt. A bunch of yuppy Millennials started to get offended for a group they have nothing to do with. The fake outrage went viral and now everyone is “offended” by anything that might even resemble Native Americans or the color red. A member of the council said Khloe Kardashian has no conscience and is insensitive. No shit, Chief Obvious! However, that has nothing to do with wearing a costume. Non-Native Americans have been wearing headdresses since we landed on Plymouth Rock, and not a single word was uttered until now. Why? Fake outrage is all the rage! If you ever wonder why the socioeconomic gap keeps getting wider and wider and how politicians continue to rape our rights like we’re some goddamn hot indigenous woman whose land they just stumbled upon, perhaps you should think about how many calories you’re burning to ensure that a fucking NFL team change their name or trying to get a Kardashian to apologize for wearing a fucking costume that 10-year-old boys have been wearing on Halloween since Halloween was a thing! “Indian” and “rape” in one paragraph? The Millennials will be protesting this post in 3…2…1…

* Yeah, I said “Indian.” Deal with it.

Speaking of rape, someone over at The Washington Post said something that would make #RapeCulture feminists write a blog and start a drum circle chant. Essentially, law school professor and columnist David Bernstein spoke out against a proposed bill in California that would require universities to use an “affirmative consent” standard when deciding on sexual assault cases. Bernstein noted that this piece of legislation is, well, fucking stupid for the following reasons: 1) why hold the standard just to universities if this is such an issue 2) if limited to universities, why limited to just the students and 3) who the hell gives explicit consent before sex? He went on to say that most sex that starts with explicit consent involves a hooker. What Bernstein was trying to say is that WHO THE HELL EXPLICITLY CONSENTS TO SEX? “Hey, will you allow me to stick my penis inside your vagina?” “Yes, yes you may.” “Ok.” That does not happen. People watch a movie inside an apartment, get closer together, fingers slowly move to orifices, clothes come off and penis enters something (or scissoring in some scenarios, I imagine). All of this is done with very few words (if any). Considering there’s no resistance, this is called sex. According to Bernstein, many want to define sexual assault in such a manner where the language could possibly identify the above scenario as rape. Gawker’s headline: “Law Professor: Only Prostitutes Would Directly Say “Yes” to Sex.” Clickbait? Yes. Misleading? Yes. Irresponsible journalism in order to fit their narrative? Is there any other kind of Gawker headline? Fortunately, Bernstein saw that headline and responded to it. Gawker has turned the #RapeCulture activists into a witch-hunt, looking for anyone that may suggest that current and proposed sexual assault legislation can falsely accuse someone. The only way these rape culture activists can do that is by manipulating someone’s words, because if everything was represented in context and true meaning, their entire thesis would be dismantled. Activism like this does more harm than good. They are actively trying to pass legislation and ideologies that are dangerous because the Kool Aid they drank forces them to believe that any resistance to sexual assault legislation and accusations is due to being a white, misogynist cock-man-oppressor. Congrats, Gawker. Your readers would rather listen to a bunch of paid bloggers with a misguided agenda than to a law professor with a reasonable, logical argument.

In related news, New Yorkers are tired of being raped of their right to drink large sodas.* No more! New York’s ban on big sodas is rejected by final court. Suck on that, Bloomberg! Preferably through a straw in a Big Gulp. Because the law was such a gigantic stretch of the government’s power to dictate our lifestyle choices, good or bad, the highest state court in New York decided to not reinstate the ban on large sodas. In a 20-page decision, the court wrote:

This law is “three seashells in the bathroom” away from the San Angeles world in Demolition Man. Nobody wants that. There’s no Sgt. John Spartan to save us from that.

Okay, so I made that up, but that’s pretty much the society that Bloomberg so desperately tried to create. Although it is our government’s job to institute laws that serve the greater good for public health, that should not include stripping us of our right to destroy our own bodies, considering it doesn’t harm anyone else. Sure, we can argue health care costs, but then again, we can make that argument for just about anything. It is unfortunate that people feel the need to drink a gallon of Mountain Dew each day despite the health effects, but it is not the job of the government to protect us from ourselves. This same logic should also apply to drugs. However, some drugs do have damaging effects on innocent people. Nobody bit the face off of a homeless person after slamming a two-liter of Dr. Pepper. Fix the highways, make sure we’re not killing each other, protect the nation from attackers and shut the fuck up! Let us do stupid shit to ourselves.

* Cue feminist outrage over the use of the word “rape”

While our government is too busy banning Big Gulps and the right to own ferrets, violent criminals are walking around fucking shit up. Man accused of murdering Adrian Peterson’s son charged with kidnapping boy’s mother. Yup, the same guy. Joseph Robert Patterson, 28, was arrested on charges of kidnapping, aggravated assault, interference with emergency communications and third-degree burglary, which begs the question: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS GUY DOING OUT OF JAIL??? Keep in mind, Patterson is still facing charges of murdering a fucking child! He’s out on a $750,000 bond, which leads us to another question: WHY THE FUCK DO WE HAVE BONDS FOR 1) VIOLENT CRIME CHARGES AND 2) ESPECIALLY ONE INVOLVING SOMEONE WITH A HISTORY OF VIOLENT CRIMES??? Marijuana is illegal and gays can’t get married, but someone who has been charged with murdering a child is free to do whatever he wants. I give up.

People who listen to electronic dance music (EDM)—especially ones who go to EDM concerts—are pussies. This is science, and I have the evidence to back it up: Dozens of concertgoers hospitalized during an Avicii concert. Who the hell is Avicii? He plays the MacBook. Long story short, a bunch of fans were sent to the hospital—mostly drug and alcohol related—during a Boston show. Pussies. This tells me two things: 1) people don’t actually like EDM. At least, not the music aspect of it. It’s nothing more than background noise while rolling on Molly, tripping balls and getting drunk. Rock ‘n’ roll fans probably drink more and do harder drugs than EDM fans, but you don’t hear about this during any rock concert? Why? Rock fans are there to enjoy the music of the band they go to see. Sure, they may drink and do drugs, but just enough to feel the music better while simultaneously keeping it together so that they can enjoy and remember the show. EDM fans go to concerts not because of the DJ they get to see, but because it’s basically just a party to get fucked up at. This brings me to my second point, EDM fans are pussies. I’ve seen rock concertgoers do quite a bit of drinking and whatever else, but I have never seen someone carted off. In fact, Rockfest has 50,000 white trash, butt-rock fans doing nothing but drinking and getting high. However, only a few get carted off, and it’s mostly due to heat exhaustion. Give an EDM fan a few beers and a hit of acid in an air-conditioned arena, and they think they’re going melt into the ground and die. Be an adult and listen to real music and pretend you’ve been drunk before. Pussies.

 

For more news and commentary that prefers Iron Maiden over DJ Sir Sucks-A-Lot-Of-Dick, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.site.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, enjoy your EDM. Pussy.