Facebook Fallacies: Baltimore Riots, Vaccines, Jade Helm & Testicles

FF Cover

Facebook is a breeding ground for stupidity, ignorance and subtle (sometimes overt) racism and prejudice. Since shaming is a good way to get people to change, let’s call them out on their BS. Facebook Fallacies is a weekly column sponsored by Soundtrack of the Week that debunks all of the stupid shit floating around Satan’s asshole, aka Facebook.

Baltimore reporter saved from thugs by business owner with a gun!

FF 1

 

The story: Justin Fenton, a reporter for the Baltimore Sun, came under attack by a bunch of thugs. Thankfully, a nearby shop owner AND GUN OWNER WITH A SHOTGUN saved his life! GUNS SAVE LIVES!

The reality: The original story before it was corrected after people pointed out that it was full of shit claimed that Fenton was under attack by gang members. It then retracted that statement and just used the word “mob.” But that still isn’t accurate. According to the article, one man approached him with mace. Not exactly a “mob.” That was when a store owner waved his gun around and pulled Fenton to safety.

None of the above matters, because it’s all completely full of shit. Don’t take my word for it. Just ask Fenton himself:

Not only did the store owner not save Fenton, he was merely just standing his ground for his store. Even more damaging to the NRA’s narrative is the fact that a bunch of “thugs” were more or less Fenton’s army of protection of peace.

Long story short: legal gun owner didn’t do shit. Illegal (allegedly) gun owner was doing the Lord’s work. Suck on that, NRA!

Baltimore mayor hates the Constitution and America!

FF 2

 

The story: While Baltimore was burning to the ground and looters took advantage, Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake told officers to stand down and “Let them loot…it’s only property.” The Baltimore mayor hates America!

The reality: I searched pretty damn deep to see if anyone other than Fox News reported on this claim. Fox News reported that they got an exclusive interview with a senior law enforcement officer in Baltimore who when asked if it was the mayor who told them to stand down he said, “You are goddamn right it was.” That’s when he claimed she said the above quote about looters.

Not one single news outlet outside of Fox News has been able to confirm the quote. Everyone from the governor on down has said that never happened, including other law enforcement officials.

I’m not saying that Fox News made this whole thing up, but it’s entirely possible that the “senior law enforcement source” was talking out of his ass. No other evidence backs up his claims.

Furthermore, who cares? Approaching an angry mob of rioters with the very same people they are upset with (cops) does not end well as we saw in Ferguson. Going after the looters could have very easily resulted in one or more deaths. NOT going after looters may have led to property destruction, but no one gets murdered.

Life over material things. If that makes the Baltimore mayor a monster, then call me Frankenstein. (FYI: It’s Franken-STEEN!”

Jade Helm. Conspiracy theories. LOL, you’re all dumb.

FF 3

 

The story: The Obama administration is conducting a Special Forces eight-week training exercise in several states. Meanwhile, Walmart locations in the same areas are closing down. THESE TWO ARE RELATED BECAUSE OBAMA IS DECLARING MARTIAL LAW AND USING WALMARTS AS FEMA CAMPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The reality: The reality is much more bat shit crazy than the conspiracy theory itself. How? Texas Governor Greg Abbott is in support of the conspiracy theorists and making sure Barack HUSSEIN Obama doesn’t take over the land. I wish I were kidding.

So what the hell is going on in Texas and other states in the West?

According to a United States Army Special Operations Command press release, Jade Helm 15 is a two-month multi-state training exercise for the Armed Forces. This is something we do all of the time, just not at such a large scale. Multiple states are used to simulate various foreign terrains the military may enter. Special Operations Forces will only train in five of seven states: Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, Utah and Colorado.

By the way, this press release was sent out in March, and state and local officials were made very aware of the situation. Keep this in mind.

At around the same time Jade Helm 15 was being set up, five Walmarts in the areas shut down for six months leaving 2,200 out of a job. Walmart announced that plumbing issues were being fixed at the locations. From here, the internet went ape shit.

Your standard conspiracy theorists claimed that the Walmart closings were not coincidental. The idea is that this is not a training exercise. Rather, Barack HUSSEIN Obama is declaring martial law and the closed Walmarts will be used for “food distribution centers” and to “house the headquarters of invading troops from China, here to disarm Americans one by one.” All of this is an attempt to take over Texas. I shit you not.

But these are just crazy right-wing conspiracy theorists. We ignore them all the time. Sadly, Chuck Norris has fueled the retard fire. But he’s also a nutjob. It gets worse. The fucking governor of Texas is sympathetic towards the crazies. Also on the list of supporters is Ted Cruz.

Obama isn’t taking over anything. Chill out. Ironically, he’s beefing up military training. If there’s one thing Texans love more than the state itself, it’s the military. Ironically, they’re not cool with using their land to train them. This begs the question: Would right-wing nutjobs and politicians be so resistant if a Republican president green lighted this? No way.

If Obama is overtaking Texas, I’d be upset as well. Florida should be wiped off the map first…THEN Texas.

You can get rid of your balls for $35k a piece!

FF 4

 

The story: In a financial bind, this man found the easiest way to make tens of thousands of dollars: He sold one of his testicles for $35,000! You can do it, too!

The reality: No you cannot. The above article mentions several ways to make a quick buck: donate plasma, blood, eggs and testicles. Most of these fetch a few hundred dollars and are well known. But the “Gotcha!” headline is the large sum of $35,000 for ONE testicle.

The fact of the matter is no one wants your balls (including women and gay men). Or even one of them. The man mentioned in the article was lucky enough to find out about a research being conducted to study the effects of removing a testicle and replacing it with a prosthetic one. There was no intent to use or keep the testicle. It was a one-time deal for the sake of research.

Trust me. If giving up your left nut (literally!) could fetch $35,000, we men wouldn’t need some obscure Facebook link post to find out. It would be widely known throughout the land. Not to mention that defaults on student loans would plummet. Alas, we’re still broke and giving up a testicle won’t save us.

Vaccines will kill your kids. WE HAVE SCIENCE TO BACK IT UP NOW!

FF 5

 

The story: A recent study reveals that vaccinated children have 500 percent MORE diseases than unvaccinated children. No science to back up anti-vaxxers, you say? Now there is! Suck my dick!

The reality: I don’t know why this story is surfacing in 2015. This study is several years old and was debunked the second it came out. Let’s break down why this is completely full of shit.

The article refers to an American and German “study” that basically comes to the same conclusion: vaccinated children carry more diseases. They are actually the same study, just in different languages. At any rate, the “science” is therefore exactly the same: nonexistent.

To start, this is not a study. Rather, the results were calculated using a volunteer survey…anonymously…on the internet. In other words, any asshole can take the survey as many times as they want. Not to mention the fact that this is a self-reported survey, which is ripe for the picking in terms of inaccurate information. This was also self-reported by members of…[drum roll]…the Immunisation Awareness Society!

Yes, this nonrandomized, self-selecting, completely bias group participating in the survey are people who already do not believe in vaccinations. As one internet commenter pointed out, this is like taking a pet survey at a dog show. Of course the results will show a 500 percent increase in those of favor of dogs.

Of those surveyed who claimed to have their children vaccinated, the overwhelming majority reported that they preferred treatment other than conventional medicine. So even those who had their children vaccinated had a biased slant against conventional medicine, which is a major red flag. Even worse, the vast majority of those whose children were vaccinated said they wish they hadn’t AND they are not still getting vaccinated.

Are you fucking kidding me with this sample group?!?!

This may be the worst “study” I have ever come across, and I see a lot of poorly done studies at my job as a journalist. Whatever the opposite of “science” is is exactly what this worthless stack of numbers should be considered. It proves nothing more than “those who already believe this still believe this.”

UPDATE: You have to check out the above Facebook post. I usually do not include links, because I don’t want to drive traffic to these sites. However, I made the mistake of getting into an argument in the comments section (I know, that was idiotic), and I was blown away by a) how many believe this bullshit and b) how logically fallacious their arguments are. These people make me feel like some kind of genius or wizard.

Episode 237: Talkin’ Loco

On the last episode of Soundtrack of the Week: After quitting smoking and taking Chantix, Meredith has gone a little…crazy. This isn’t her first rodeo to Crazy Town, and after documenting it on the show, Meredith has accepted it and is ready to talk. Ty and Jay are no strangers of going over the edge either. This week, the gang reveals moments in their lives that…well…sucked miserably. Also in Episode 237:

  • Happy Fun Time Intro
  • Mayweather, Pacquiao, Pay-Per-View & the End of Boxing
  • Ty is Friends With #CrazyFacebookRepublicanMilitiaGuy Again
  • Sounds of the Week
    1. Eddie Griffin on Baltimore
    2. Police Officers on Baltimore
    3. Father of the Year Candidate
    4. Mother of the Year Candidate
  • Freddie Gray and the Baltimore Riots

 

 

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