SOTW Roundup: 6/1/2014 – 6/7/2014

2014-06-05_22-48-49

 

In the near future, this roundup may change a little bit. In an effort to attract more listeners, readers and followers, the SOTW gang will be exploring different marketing strategies. By “marketing strategies” I mean “desperate attempts to sucker in listeners.” Coming up on Year 5, it’s high time we go the full nine and exploit the podcast that everyone needs. Over the years, SOTW has matured in content, quality and philosophy. The hosts…well…that’s a different story. One option is to have all three contribute to this roundup. Think of it as an “Employees’ Pick” section of a video store…when they were still around. This will be my last year trying to get into terrestrial radio. Next year, I will be 32. I don’t want to be the equivalent of a 45-year-old rocker who still believes he can land a record deal. Besides, with a job as a journalist and the podcast, I have other avenues to explore. The time and energy spent trying to get into a dying medium can be better spent promoting the podcast and making it better. The content is spectacular and with some money, the audio quality can improve a little. My passion lies within Soundtrack of the Week. It’s time to give it the credit that is due for it. Also, it gives me the incentive and excuse to do THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

 

Global warming is a real thing. It is. Deal with it. It is about time that we do something about it. Obama proposes EPA regulation to cut carbon pollution from the nation’s power plants 30 percent. Essentially, the regulation will affect coal-powered plants. The new proposed legislation could potentially shut down many of the plants and change the way we approach generating energy. A move like this will make President Obama’s legacy look a little bit better. This is all good and everything except it won’t do shit for global warming. It is a step in the right direction, but the effects won’t be seen anywhere. It all started with car emissions. Everyone thought that cars are destroying the planet. Then a bunch of scientists rained on everyone’s parade by finding out that even if every car in the world went green, it wouldn’t do much. However, agencies like the California Air Resources Board (CARB) are demanding that commercial vehicles pass strict guidelines. Fact: commercial vehicles contribute LESS to global warming than passenger vehicles. So why don’t we pass EPA legislation for ALL vehicles? Because we’re dumb as hell. In terms of power plants, whatever the U.S. does will not matter. Believe it or not, the universe gives zero fucks about our manmade borders. With that said, the plants in China and India contribute more to global warming than most everybody else. Unless they do something, whatever Obama does means absolutely nothing. Also, we need to calm down on hamburger and bacon eating? Cows and pigs are the real haters of Earth.

Time to nominate a candidate for this year’s Parent of the Year award. How about this lady pictured on the right? That’s not some weird doll on the train of her wedding dress. That’s a live baby! In Shona Carter-Brooks’ defense, the baby was only one month old*, so it wasn’t like the baby was just going to walk down that aisle. According to the bride’s sister, “She didn’t plan it.” Oh, that makes it better. Just a last minute decision to throw a baby on a dress. At least a premeditated baby dress would consider logistics…maybe. Let’s see what the Parent of the Year candidate has to say:

BpGFSVFIMAAv4eoThe answer is we do what we want when we want long as Jesus on our side everything worked out fine and gone continue to be fine. Our 1 month old was awake and well secured on my train. Most important while yall got ya feelings in us we had our hearts in Christ which covers all!! So keep ya mouths running for it was just that Exclusive and Epic enough we made top blog way from small town Ripley, TN and the social media doing what they do, TALK!!!!

Let’s start with Jesus. WWJD? Probably not throw a baby on a dress…I’m speculating. Next: Exclusive and Epic (capitalization hers). If making “top blog” under the context of WE ARE JUDGING YOU is considered “Exclusive and Epic,” you may need to reevaluate your priorities and life (then again, that should have started at “baby dress”). Lastly, those who were there are claiming that the baby was not dragged. Rather, it was quickly placed on the dress for a photo op. I’m guessing it was the photographer who did Piss Christ who made that call. At any rate, Shona Carter-Brooks is “gone continue to be” a strong Parent of the Year candidate.

* Poll: is she marrying the baby’s daddy? Yes, No, Call Maury

The topic of minimum wage has been a hot one ever since we realized we have been getting royally fucked over. Fast food workers have been lobbying for a $15/hour wage. They should move to Seattle: Seattle council passes $15 minimum wage, and it wasn’t even close as it was a unanimous decision. I’m not sure how well this will work. To start, business owners in Seattle will be crossing city lines like a bunch of Mexicans who just found an unpatrolled opening in the border. Those that stay will likely raise their prices. Meaning, the increased wages will be negated by higher costs of living. For the sake of everyone, I hope that doesn’t happen, but let’s be realistic. And what about people like me? People who make $15/hr (I actually make just under that) that are working in professional jobs like journalists and whatnot? Do you think a journalist is going to stand making the same amount as the janitor at the newspaper who is a high school dropout that was just released from prison and his janitor job was hooked up through his halfway house? No. If everyone else’s wages do not increase proportional to the minimum wage increase, then the incentive to go to college and land a good job goes out the door. I’m sorry, but raising the minimum wage is like banging a fat chick: good in theory, a disaster in practice. Or was that communism? Whatever.

If Obama wants to leave with a favorable reputation, he’ll need to do more than eradicate coal-powered plants. This won’tFB help: NSA is collecting millions of face images from the Internet dot com. If your mug is somewhere on the Internet (and it is), the government can grab that image and put it in their database. They are able to input that image into facial recognition software, which can be used against you. Aside from the fact that the NSA is totally invading on our privacy, the other issue is with the software, which has been proven to be inaccurate. In other words, it’s possible that you can be linked to a terrorist that kind of looks like you. Then you’re fucked. A 2011 NSA PowerPoint presentation (from the Snowden files) reveals how much info can be gleaned from a simple face pic. Sure, we can nab terrorists with this tactic. On the other hand, protest/activist groups and journalist digging for damaging information can also be targeted. This is the slippery slope that is entirely plausible that can result from things like this and wiretapping. Think about it…before the NSA can start tapping into your thoughts.*

* Ok, that’s a little absurd, but who the fuck knows anymore

 

Speaking of the slippery slope of the government coming down on journalists: Supreme Court rejects reporter’s bid to protect source. What does this have to do with Obama? I’ll get there, but first, what up with this reporter? New York Times reporter James Risen did a story on a botched CIA operation during the Clinton Administration, according the Wall Street Journal article. Risen’s report is being used for charges against former CIA officer Jeffrey Sterling. However, a 42-year-old Supreme Court ruling protects journalists from revealing their sources. This is to ensure that whistleblowers divulge information without the fear of getting caught. Regardless, federal prosecutors are trying to force Risen into testifying. Okay, back to Obama. According to the Wall Street Article:

The Obama administration has been more aggressive than its predecessors in pursuing leaks of government secrets, including reviewing journalists’ phone and email records and seeking to compel reporters to testify. The Associated Press was the target of one such records effort.

I’m not saying the crazy, radical far-right nutjobs are correct about Obama (i.e. I’m pretty sure he’s not Muslim and bobama-plus-bushorn in Kenya), but the president is not doing himself any favors in discrediting those crazy assholes either. If Risen is punished for not testifying, Obama could go down as one of the worst presidents in the modern era for journalism. Get your shit together, Obama!

Just look at the SOTW Roundup archive and you’ll notice that I am not one to rail on the president unless completely justified. With that said, here’s another “WTF, Obama?” That’s four this week! I guess Obama is on a “Zero Fucks” roll. What this time? Obama announces $1 billion program to boost military presence in Eastern Europe. The added military presence will be in Poland and its neighbors for security against Russia. This is the same president who got into office because of the huge anti-Bush movement, which was largely predicated on Bush’s invasive foreign policy. With his administration collecting Facebook profile pics for god knows what, a full attack against journalists, negotiating with terrorists and now this, I’m having a difficult time figuring out the differences between Bush and Obama other than the fact that Obama allowed SOME gays to get married. Good job, buddy.

When I was a child, I explored my neighborhood on my bike, watched Ren & Stimpy and went to the local public pool. Kids these days are cunts. Always on their smartphone, listening to shitty music like dubstep, twerking and killing each other to please a mythological creature they learned about online. Yeah, that last one actually happened. Two 12-year-olds in Wisconsin stabbed their friend nearly to death so that they could become agents for Slender Man. From there, they would walk to his mansion (which isn’t real, by the way). One of them even brought pictures of her family thinking she would never see them again after going to Slender Man Land or whatever the fuck it’s called. That is not even the craziest part of this story. The crazy part: they are being charged with first-degree attempted murder…as adults! Yes, two TWELVE-year-olds who believe in Slender Man are being brought up on the same charges as sane (relatively speaking) adults who don’t believe in the Slender Man. Why? Because our legal system is more retarded than killing your friend because you believe in Slender Man. According to the ABC News article, this could help the kids since the defense can argue that they did not understand what they were doing. I have a better idea: charge the parents! Everything comes down to parenting, especially when it involves 12-year-olds. If they had good parents, this would not have had happened. If parents face major consequences for their children’s actions, I guarantee that you will see less 1) absent parents 2) neglecting parents 3) generally shitty parents and 4) people having kids at all. And like that, all of the world’s problems will be solved. You’re welcome.

Take a look at the image on the right. What do you see? Looks like a storm is coming…a storm of MOTHERFUHO_Grasshopper_Swarm_TG_140602_16x9_608CKING GRASSHOPPERS! Albuquerque, N.M., is experiencing their worst grasshopper infestation in decades. The grasshopper takeover* is so massive that it is being detected on weather radar. Thank god we’re only dealing with grasshoppers. If there were a spider infestation of this magnitude, Obama could totally redeem himself by declaring a severe natural disaster and dropping an atom bomb right on Albuquerque. He would go down in history as the greatest man of the 21st century. At any rate, locusts are a type of grasshopper, so for all intents and purposes, there is a plague of locusts! If you have been listening to SOTW and the Word of God segments, you know all about the plagues in the book of Exodus. Repent! The end is nigh! This is all because god hates fags…and Obama.

* Sweet band name, by the way

Three months into my first job as a journalist, and I am already fed up with how the government is way too involved with their bullshit regulations that are based on kneejerk reactions and lobbyists. The following article takes the (cup)cake. Little girls needed a fucking bill passed to sell cupcakes. After the media applauded a 12-year-old girl* for making a lot of money selling cupcakes for $2, the health department swooped in and terminated her business since she didn’t have 1) a business license and 2) a state-certified kitchen. Technically, they are correct. Practically, they are the bane of our existence and have the decision-making skills similar to a chimp with Down’s syndrome. Here we go again: LETTER OF THE LAW VS SPIRIT OF THE LAW! Lawmakers actually had to design and pass a bill called the Cupcake Bill for little girls in Illinois to sell cupcakes. Taxpayer dollars hard at work! Do you want to know why this country is so fucked up? It is because we’re wasting so much time, energy and resources to ensure little girls can sell a goddamn cupcake without The Man shutting them down. We need to find everyone who was involved in shutting down the poor little girl and fire them. While we’re at it, publicly shame them. That will ensure that every government employee out there will stop doing stupid shit like this if the threat of everyone in this country knowing they are worthless weighs over them. I bet Big Cupcake lobbyists were behind this.

* Not the murdering kind

There are two things in my life I love more than anything: my girlfriend* and porn**. So when Pornhub comes out with new charts, I must contrast and compare with my own habit. Considering I have logged in millions of hours’ worth of data, my experiences should come close the statistical average. I’ll post most of the charts below. One chart that is excluded is the following stat of percentage of traffic by device: 51% desktop, 40% mobile and 9% tablet. The tablet stat is obvious: people generally share their tablet with their kids. After all, it is the quickest way to get them to shut the fuck up.*** And mobile phone? This must be for the married folks. Other than that, people with a major porn addiction. Then again, watching some transgender porn in lieu of playing Candy Crush while waiting in line at the DMV sounds like a much better way to prevent yourself from going postal. Anyway, let’s review some of stats below.

* Obligatory choice

** For many of the same reasons as the former

*** Thanks, Bubble Guppies!

pornhub-browsers-distribution2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously, if you’re not using Chrome or Firefox, you do not deserve porn. Besides, it’ll take one hour for the thirty-second Mature porn video clip to buffer. Clearly iPhone users have a bigger hard-on than Android users. Probably because they are not getting laid.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

pornhub-browsers-duration

 

 

 

 

 

 

Longer porn time on tablet? May be due to constantly switching apps accidentally…or trying to beat Level 425 in Candy Crush simultaneously. Shorter time for mobile devices makes sense. I am guessing wherever you are, you should not be looking at porn. And 10.5 minutes on a desktop??? Lightweights.

 

 

 

pornhub-browsers-searches

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mature porn always prevails. My theory: younger dudes are fantasizing about older women and older dudes get to see someone they went to high school with. Win/win. Also, wtf hentai? I know what it is, but why? I blame Reddit and 4Chan for that swing in stats. Just as long as Furries doesn’t show up on the list, the world will still survive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

pornhub-browsers-pornstars

 

 

 

 

 

We should not include Kim Kardashian on this list. However, that is her claim to fame, so she sneaks in by a technicality. Honestly, I don’t watch pornstars. I like my porn amateur. The shakier the cam and the more disappointed the women’s face, the better. The reason “Amateur” isn’t listed in the top categories is because you can find amateur clips within the listed categories. Take it from a pro. Not surprising to see Brandi Love on the list. She’s the mom you wished lived next door…and would fuck her daughter (girl next door) with a strap on. Hey! I’ve seen it in one of her videos!

 

 

 

 

 

 

For more news and commentary to masturbate to on your desktop, tablet or mobile device, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.site.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, you will be forced to watch porn on Internet Explorer FOREVER! O_O

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