SOTW Roundup: 5/25/2014 – 5/31/2014

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This weekend, I will be going Rockfest. For those of you not from Kansas City or otherwise unaware, Rockfest is the largest one-day music festival in North America, according to the radio station that puts it out. It is most certainly the largest collection of white trash depravity in KC. You know you are walking into a bad situation when you are limited to ten strands of beads per person. That’s a real rule, not making it up. Another good indicator is when they have to include “wallet chains” in the list of things you cannot bring inside. No one should have to be told that after 1999. Good news: you can get married at Rockfest! If a future of domestic abuse, Milwaukee’s Best and paternity lawsuits is in your sights, you and your loved one can get married at Stage Two in a mass ceremony officiated by a rock station DJ. WOOT! Who wouldn’t want the romantic melodies of Syn City Cowboys, Soil, Five Finger Death Punch and the sound of 55,000 fans vomiting up an entire day’s worth of Coors Light and funnel cakes to be the soundtrack of their wedding night? Stage names like Monster Energy Stage and Captain Morgan White Rum Stage says it all. My girlfriend is the world’s biggest Korn fan, so now I’m going. While I’m pre-drinking 24 hours before the show, you go ahead and enjoy THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

 

The world is full of vile, disgusting criminals that need to be eradicated. Whenever I hear about a court handing one of these animals a lenient sentence, it makes me want to punch puppies and kittens, consequentially making me one of them. For example: LulzSec hacker “Sabu” receives lenient sentence after snitching. This monster participated in heinous acts such as temporarily inconveniencing Sony, Fox Broadcasting Company and PBS by shutting their websites down for a few hours. The horror! Sabu was facing a prison sentence of 20 years or more. However, after snitching like a little bitch, he got seven months (already served) and one year of supervision. In other words, he’s grounded. If only he would commit the lesser crime of raping your 3-year-old daughter, he could have walked away an innocent man.

2School is now over for most, so it’s time to look at your yearbook to see if the hot chick/guy/teacher/whatever left their phone number when you forced them to sign it. It’s also time to jerk off to the picture of that person…unless you went to Wasatch High School in Utah. Wasatch High School edited yearbook photos of girls dressed like whores. Correction, they were dressed completely fine. As you can see in the pics below, the young ladies had undershirts and sleeves “Photoshopped” onto them. Well, more like Microsoft Paint. I was going to rant about how much fear we currently live in. Accidentally brushing against someone can get you charged with rape, a protein (gluten) used since the inception of life is bad for you and now seeing a young girl’s shoulder/low neckline is damn near pedophilia. However, this is Utah. Sooner or later burkas will be required in that state, which will spark a holy war between Muslims and Mormons, the Muslims will win by a fucking landslide and America becomes an Islam state. Stop yearbook photo editing!

I haven’t brought up the UCSB shooting incident here or on the podcast for two main reasons: 1) sensationalizing active shooters begets more active shooters and 2) the radical feminists are using it as fodder. Lol, nope. So, I’ll just let Joe the Plumber (haha, yeah, remember him) speak for America:

            As harsh as this sounds – your dead kids don’t trump my Constitutional rights.

Okay, maybe not.

It’s too soon to talk about gun rights anyway. We need to work top to bottom. We need to get our priorities straiNYC Ferretsght like NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio. De Blasio will finally end a ban on…ferrets? Yes, ferrets. Like most laws in this country, former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani’s ferret ban of 1999 was a kneejerk reaction based on isolated cases of rabies and attacks on young children. Rather than protect his city from—oh let’s say—terrorists, Giuliani was throwing ferrets in prison (I’m assuming). To no one’s surprise. Former Mayor Bloomberg, aka BAN EVERYTHING Bloomberg—defended the ban. Now, de Blasio finally has the balls. From The New York Times article: “(the reversal of the ban) would bolster the image of a mammal-friendly mayor who has pledged to turn New York into a kinder place for its four-legged residents.” Problem solved. New York City is no longer a cesspool of a bunch of narcissistic hipsters who believe NYC is the only city in the universe.

I’ve said it a million times, college is a scam. More and more people are starting to come to that same conclusion. As a man of science, let’s see what the statistics reveal: Americans with four-year college degrees make twice as much an hour as those without, according to an analysis of Labor Department statistics by the Economic Policy Institute in Washington. Well, shit. This stat would be contradictory except for it doesn’t factor in several key points. Exhibit A: as The New York Times points out, “the average hourly wage for college graduates has risen only 1 percent over the last decade, to about $32.60. The pay gap has grown mostly because the average wage for everyone else has fallen — 5 percent, to about $16.50.” In other words, everyone’s wages have been stagnant at best. Rather than progress, college graduates have been brought down to non-graduate levels, while those without degrees have been brought down to slave wages. Exhibit B: those without degrees are not in major debt to student loans. Making twice as much money doesn’t mean shit if that extra money is going to pay off student loans. Exhibit C: does this average of $32.60 an hour stem from all college graduates from all generations or does it deal with those who have graduated from college within the past five years or so? This is an important question because 15 years ago, a college degree was the fast track to $32.60 an hour. Nowadays, not so much. Including older graduates does a complete disservice to the current plight of recent grads. Statistics are fun and bullshit, depending on how much applicable information you leave out and how you spin the numbers. Conclusion: college is still full of shit.

Two weeks ago, I discussed how Texas was trying to buy Sriracha. Long story short, pussified neighbors of the Sriracead3e4370c3402ec9e4c249f6ee23c4b28b44757081485a21e89bd9417778100ha plant in California complained that it was irritating their eyes and throats and some other bullshit, so damn near every Texas politician lobbied to Sriracha to take their money where MEN live. Breaking news: the city of Irwindale, Calif., is no longer considering the Sriracha plant a public nuisance. Shhhhhhhhhhocker. It’s amazing what losing money will do to a local government’s (or any government, for that matter) decision about public health concerns. This chemical gives you cancer? Ban it! Oh, wait. That chemical maker lines our pockets? Reverse the ban! The only problem is that there was nothing ever really wrong with the plant. Just a bunch of whiny ass Californians. In this case, the local government caved to the locals’ baseless concerns, which is equally bullshit. You know, things would be a lot easier if our government used logic and reasoning when coming up with decisions. Instead, it’s always a kneejerk reaction when the masses say anything. NEWS FLASH: the masses are idiots. The only thing that matters here is that everyone will still get their Sriracha sauce, so you can calm your tits now.

“Money can’t buy you happiness” – said no one who isn’t rich…and science! A recent Princeton study reveals that money DOES make you happier…to a point. That point is $75,000 a year, to be exact. Essentially, people who make under $75k struggle to afford a decent home, enough food for their family, etc. all while enjoying some of the luxuries in life. This makes us sad. Those who make around $75k can afford all of those things. This makes us happy. However, any income beyond that is kind of like moving the goalposts. We obtain our goal with a $75k salary. From there, we can either a) be content with that lifestyle regardless of additional income or b) constantly raise the bar for more and better luxuries, which can lead to us being unfulfilled and sad again. Considering the average income in the U.S. is about $50k, we should all be miserable fucks. Oh wait. We are!

I have pointed out several times that if you want people to stop being fat, we need to shame them like we did with smokers. Guess what? Science agrees! Obesity is a result of environments that encourage unhealthy lifestyles, according to the UK’s National Institute for Health and Care Excellence. The study highlights how places such as urban areas encourage cars over walking and how most access to food are unhealthy options like fast food. I say we go the full nine with shaming fat people like we did smokers. For example, no smoking on television or ads? Fine. No fat people on television or ads. Also, fast food wrappers should be labeled with a skull and crossbones or images of naked, morbidly obese people. Might as well ban them from public places to. Also, enough with the “everyone is beautiful” bullshit. That is exactly what an “obesogenic environment” is. This is not helping curb the obesity epidemic:

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For more news and commentary that is healthy, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, you will be shamed into healthy social/political commentary.

 

 

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