HEALTH REPORT: Gays and Straights Compared



According to the Westboro Baptist Church and every other asshole (homophobe), gays are everywhere. According to the latest Center for Disease Control study, they are hiding and not in the closet.

A National Health Statistics Report reveals that 96.6% of Americans identify as straight, 1.6% gay or lesbian, 0.1% bisexual and the remaining 1.1% “something else”/”I don’t know the answer”/refused to answer/was being a complete dick to fuck with the results.

Interesting facts:

  • Homosexuals (35.1%) and bisexuals (41.5%) know how to party (five or more drinks in one day in past year)* compared to straights (26.0%)
  • Homosexuals (27.2%) and bisexuals (29.5%) also smoke more than breeders (19.6%)
  • There were no differences in obesity and physical activity between gays and straights, which is fucking baffling to me. Have you been to a gay bar? It’s like a goddamn Gold’s Gym! I feel super self-conscious when I go.
  • Gays get vaccinated more than straights, probably because they don’t like Jenny McCarthy as much as straight people.

The biggest disappointment (other than the physical activity stat…REALLY?) is the fact that “transgender” is not included in the gender options. I and my co-hosts at Soundtrack of the Week have been foot soldiers of the TransgenUSA-Fag-Nationder Revolution for several years now. The fact that they are still not being represented at all means that we are light years away from providing them with the same acceptance and respect they rightfully deserve.

I am also surprised that only 1.6% identify as gay or lesbian. Maybe I surround myself with that crowd (whatever that means) more than the average person. At either rate, even if the percentage was 0.001%, that’s still more than one person, so GIVE THEM EQUAL RIGHTS ACROSS THE BOARD!

Here’s my personal study: 98% person of homosexuals and bisexuals are not assholes, whereas 98% of straight people are. In addition to transgender people, get on that stat, CDC!

At any rate, clearly we are not a “Fag Nation.” Nice try Westboro.

* Five or more drinks in one day within A YEAR?!?! Less than HALF in ALL categories? My conclusion to the results of that question: straight people are bigger liars than gay people.

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