SOTW Roundup: 4/27/2014 – 5/3/2014

stairs-to-heaven

Earlier this week, my grandfather passed away just a month shy of his 93rd birthday. He was among the greatest men of the Greatest Generation. Yet, the word “great” doesn’t do the man justice. He had great stories about the Great Depression, World War II, how he met up with my grandmother before leaving for the war and many more. Raymond F. Fisher went on to build his own business, R.F. Fisher Electric, which to this day—many years after he sold it—still holds his name. Fisher Electric maintained a strong reputation of being the best company for electricians to work at. His employees were always taken care of. My grandfather could have made more money by lowering salaries, but he also knew that he would get more contracts out of respect alone. While my grandfather was on his deathbed, my family found out that he has been secretly donating to a gay’s rights charity since the ‘70s. This was during a time were homosexuality was taboo and frowned upon. However, my grandfather gave his support during that time. More impressively, he never talked about it; even after gay rights became a widely acceptable thing. That’s the man he was: humble, reserved and practical. The world lost a good man this week. We would be better off if we all were just a fraction of the person he was. If you’re not sobbing yet, just wait until the shenanigans that are featured on THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

 

Ever since Jesus died, God hasn’t exactly been on his A-game when it comes to miracles. He went from splitting the Red Sea to appearing on burnt toast and potato chips. God must love carbohydrates. The almighty ruler can’t even get you into a community college. Lawsuit claims community college denied admission to a man because he believes in God. When asked what was most important to him during the application process, the accuser responded with “My God.” He was denied soon after. According to the lawsuit, the program director sent the man the following letter:

I understand that religion is a major part of your life and that was evident in your recommendation letters, however, this field is not the place for religion. We have many patients who come to us for treatment from many different religions and some who believe in nothing. If you interview in the future, you may want to leave your thoughts and beliefs out of the interview process.

What the lawsuit fails to mention is that the accuser had a lower GPA than many applicants and that he also has a criminal record that includes drug and theft charges. Very Christ-like. Then again, in the 21st century how does a program director not know to refrain from ever bringing up religion? Nobody wins, because everyone in this story is an idiot. Nice work, God.

Since only a few of you read this thing, it would behoove me to keep you alive as long as possible, so here’s a Health Tip: Almonds are healthy as shit! According to six new studies presented to the American Society of Nutrition Scientific Sessions, almonds are good for suppressing your appetite, getting rid of your grotesque belly and maintaining a healthy heart. What’s even more amazing is that EVERYBODY ALREADY KNEW THIS! Thanks, scientists, for spending a shitload of time confirming facts we already knew. On the next session’s agenda (probably): the effects of asparagus and urine. I wonder what groundbreaking discovery will be made.

Roasted_Almonds

This week in “Wait. That’s An Actual Thing?” New York bill will bar condoms as proof of prostitution. Yeah, that’s an actual thing. So far, multiple condoms can be used in a trial as evidence of prostitution. In fact, New York will be the first state to ban the practice, suggesting that this is being done everywhere! Nothing screams “You suck dick for money” like a drawer full of condoms. Wait. I have a drawer full of condoms. I SWEAR, YOUR HONOR. I DON’T SUCK DICK FOR MONEY.* If multiple condoms are part of your evidence arsenal in a trial, maybe you should drop your weak-ass case. Add this to the laundry list of reasons why our judicial system is fucked.

* Or at all, for that matter…just to be clear.

There are some very serious issues going on in the world that need our time, energy and full attention to address: world hunger, AIDS, cancer, poverty…and what color your neighbor paints their house. A Santa Clara, Calif., neighborhood is being a bunch of cunts because someone made their house look like the home from the movie “Up.” After spending two years painting their old Victorian house in the same multiple pastel colors, people in the neighborhood are outraged. Why? Some bullshit about the integrity of the old homes and the image of the neighborhood blah blah blah. They real reason? They’re a bunch of whiny cunts. We’re talking about pastel colors, not a Nazi flag on the flag post accented with a burning cross on the lawn and a nativity scene of famous serial killers. Cunts: they are why we cannot have nice things.

04-30-2014-up-house1

Speaking of people being cunts over someone else’s home, A judge ruled that it’s okay to sell a widow’s home over $6 of unpaid interest. Not $6K or $600 or even $60. Six dollars. Six hundred cents. $6.30 to be exact. A Beaver, Penn., widow claims she knew nothing about the $6.30 debt after her husband died. The courts gave zero fucks, claimed they gave her plenty of notice and auctioned off her house. This was three years ago, and she’s still trying to fight it. According to Beaver County chief solicitor (and douche extraordinaire) Joe Askar, “The county never wants to see anybody lose their home, but at the same time the tax sale law, the tax real estate law, doesn’t give a whole lot of room for error, either.” He then went on to say that the judge got the decision right, based on the law. And here we go: SPIRIT OF THE LAW VERSUS LETTER OF THE LAW, MOTHERFUCKERS! These laws were not designed to kick a widow out of her home for $6.30. They were designed to punish repeat offenders and those who owe lots of money that they cannot pay off. We manipulate the phrasing of laws when letting billionaire off of raping people literally and financially. But when an innocent widow owes $6.30, LETTER OF THE LAW! No wiggle room! Fuck you!

Journalism is known as the Fourth Estate. It makes sure that the three official government estates or branches are in fact keeping each other in check. That’s why it’s a sad day when journalists have to keep each other in check. A Christian College confiscated its student paper for pro-LGBTQ material. Long story short, after coming out, a gay student at Cedarville University was removed from the groups he was involved in. In addition to that headline, a sub-headline titled “I’m Gay: Why I must live in fear at Cedarville” was published alongside to the op-ed. All copies were quickly confiscated. Yes, it’s 2014 and this is still happening. Religions are so intolerant that even during a time when the rest of society has progressed, certain religious fundamentalists and schools still refuse to disarm their archaic beliefs. For fuck’s sake, my grandfather was more progressive about gay rights in the ‘70s than a university in 2014! Get it together, religious folks!

GRAPHIC EMBED REDACTED BECAUSE WORDPRESS IS A PIECE OF SHIT

Let’s talk about the Donald Sterling punishment. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I both envy and pity you. He was banned for life from anything associated with the NBA and fined $2.5 million for being a racist asshole. Almost everyone on this planet agreed with the punishment. Almost. Yes, there were actually people defending Sterling. Mostly, it was morons who don’t understand how the First Amendment works. The others were just your typical Fox News-loving, racist assholes, i.e. Sterling’s people. Say racist stuff, lose your NBA team. Progress! Say homophobic stuff, lose your fast-food chain of chicke–oh wait. There’s still a lot of progress to be made.

I’m only 31-years-old, but in professional athlete years, I’m 78. Below, you’ll find an interactive chart to see what percentage of professional athletes are younger than you. It can be depressing. A bunch of 20-something-year-olds getting paid an absurd amount of money for catching/hitting/shooting/throwing/doing something well with a ball. Meanwhile, I’m reporting on news to inform people for $30k/yr BEFORE taxes and entertaining you guys with this and a podcast for free. In fact, this and podcast costs me money. Even though sports is one of the few meritocracies left on the planet, it still doesn’t warrant a seven or eight-figure deal. Am I bitter? Absolutely, and so should you…unless you’re a professional athlete, in which case, why are you here and can you get me a job?

GET THE INTERACTIVE CHART HERE SINCE WORDPRESS WON’T LET ME EMBED COOL SHIT

What do you do if high school students are giving away books? Call the police, of course. After a bunch of whiny, cunty parents complained about a book about a Native American attending an all-white school and the bigotry that ensues, a high school banned the book. As if that wasn’t dumb-as-hell enough, students began giving away the book for free and some cunt called the police on them. First thing we need to do is get Child Services in on this. This parent has no business raising a human being…or even a cat for that matter. Hell, cats are big enough assholes. Lord knows what this bitch will turn one into. Even the cops, who LOVE to do dumb shit, were all like “LOL, WTF?” I swear to a nonexistent god, sometimes I believe we’re still stuck in the 1950s. What’s the moneyline that this parent has at least two copies of Fifty Shades of Grey? I’m setting it at -3,000.

Each week, I discuss at least one article that proves how fucked are justice system. It’s a good thing our prison system is carrying the weight. A child rapist was brutally raped in prison…I mean, BRUTALLY. Okay, so this happened in Brazil, but holy Jeebus! Talk about poetic justice! See for yourself down below. O_O Our prisons can take a cue from the prisons in Brazil. Yes, I’m an advocate of raping rapists. I’m old school like that.

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Senate Republicans blocked a minimum wage increase. Jesus-titty-fucking-Christ.

 

For more news and commentary that not even Republicans can block, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, you’ll be framed for rape and sent to a Brazilian prison.

 

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