Gawker Media is looking for bloggers, and I applied. Why? First of all, what do you think this is? I’ve been blogging and podcasting about current events and trends for over four years now. I might as well get paid for it and have millions of people call me a stupid asshole for stating the obvious. Second, blogging is the new journalism. It’s sad, but if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Three years after getting my journalism degree, I finally landed a journalism job writing for a truck driving association. Although I enjoy what I do, it’s not exactly what I put myself tens of thousands of dollars in debt for. Additionally, truck driver advocacy journalism doesn’t exactly springboard you to The Washington Post or Rolling Stone Magazine. And let’s be honest, I’m not here to be the next Woodward or Bernstein (Google them, dumbass). I love to write, I love to report, I love to entertain and I have strong opinions about everything. That’s what a blogger is. Sure, there’s a lot of hypocrisy in what I preach and do (see: THREE articles below questioning journalistic integrity), but then again, we’re all hypocritical assholes (see: comments about NSA phone tapping versus comments about the Donald Sterling case). In the end, I’m a whore who’ll write about anything if you pay me. I did it with Livestrong.com. At least with Gawker, people know I’m completely full of shit. Until then, I’ll continue to pump these out free of charge and free of giving any fucks about content, structure, grammar, etc. With that said, on to THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!
The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. What secrets do the wealthy hold that make them so successful? Fortunately, the BBC has revealed the secrets of the uber rich, and now we can apply that information to our own finances! Except you can’t. Secret #1: closed-ended fund investment. You don’t know what that is, because you can’t afford it: “Some closed-end funds require hundreds of thousands of dollars to buy in.” However, one company has a minimum investment of $13,822 and 5% one-time fee that is based on how much investors put in. Yeah, still too much. Secret #2: buy businesses. Oh, NOW you tell me. I didn’t know what to do with the $100,000 lying around that is required to invest in a business. Secret #3: buy things you’re passionate about that will appreciate in price. Porn files you right click + saved do not qualify, and I’m assuming you can’t afford fine art, exotic cars or wine that King Henry VIII pissed in. Secret #4: buy real estate. I’m seeing a pattern here. Essentially, the things that make people wealthy as fuck require money that only people who are already wealthy as fuck have. That leads to the final secret of being wealthy: already be wealthy.
Here’s another secret of the uber-wealthy: they’ll do anything to make sure we don’t have access to money-making opportunities. Kickstarter will not offer crowd equity with their crowd funding, because according to CEO Yancey Strickler, “There are things that are more important than money.” If you donate money to a startup company on Kickstarter, you’ll still receive useless schwag, but people want a piece of the pie; more specifically, a stake in the company. However, Yancey thinks that allowing cool, creative things to come to fruition is more rewarding than that useless shit called money. Imagine contributing $100 to the next Facebook on Kickstarter, and cashing out $10,000 several years later. That’s how the rich get richer. But according to Yancey, the satisfaction of participating in the creation is the real reward. That’s easy for a multimillionaire to say. Look below at that smug cunt. And his name is Yancey. Someone give him a swirly!
Finally, some news about REAL journalism. Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) is partly responsible for Lara Logan’s shit job of a Benghazi story. If you don’t know about Logan’s Benghazi story, Google it. I don’t have time to explain everything to you. Long story short, her surprise eyewitness was full of shit, and she did zero fact checking. Essentially, she forgot everything she was taught in Journalism 101 class. Turns out, Logan consulted Graham for the story. Even though what Graham told Logan was faulty, it’s up to the goddamn journalist to do some fact checking or at the very least say something to the tune of “according to an anonymous official with no other facts to support it…” Further more, the above linked article describes Logan as a crazy bitch. More specifically, she was a wild card reporter who was known for being reckless. In fact, some executives wanted her out before she did any damage. Too late. Even Morley Safer wanted her out, and Morley Safer might know a thing or two about legit journalism. Essentially, it came down to a reporter desperate to get her name out there. In the process of doing so, she reached for an angle that simply wasn’t there and latched onto it despite betraying damn near every journalism ethics code. I know from experience that it’s a thrill to get a story and super hard to let it go due to circumstances, but you have to. Otherwise, you’ll misinform the masses. In the case of Benghazi, that can be disastrous. Logan is more cut out to write for Gawker. Leave real journalism for people who know what the fuck they are doing.
Speaking of bad journalism, Fox News used b-roll of sad non-Korean Asians in coverage of Korean ferry disaster. First, what the fuck is a “b-roll?” In news broadcasts, a b-roll is basically stock footage, which is typically free of charge. When covering the Korean ferry disaster, Fox News showed a clip of crying Asians to convey the sadness that resulted. Unfortunately, that stock footage was not from the ferry disaster. Even worse, those Asians weren’t even Korean. I know, I know. WE can’t tell the difference, but some people can, and they got busted. Using b-rolls isn’t uncommon, and using footage of something that’s not from the actual event happens. However, when you’re a huge network like Fox News, 1) using b-rolls is fucking lazy and unnecessary considering the budget and staff and 2) you’re staff (which should be among the best considering you’re status) looking for b-rolls are even lazier. Then again, why the hell am I questioning the integrity of Fox News’ journalism? It’s like questioning a retards ability to do calculus.* We know.
* Yes, I made a retard joke. Deal with it.
Okay, one more rant about the sad state of journalism: Jesse Draper struck a television deal. First thing’s first: who the fuck is Jesse Draper? Jesse Draper is the daughter of Timothy Draper, a super duper rich venture capitalist who invests in tech companies. Jesse has been doing a Web-based interview show called “The Valley Girl Show,” where she interviews…what for it…major players in the tech industry. I’ve said it a million times, “Journalism is for rich kids.” No doubt her dad is how she gets these big tech people, and if you don’t think daddy is a huge part of her success and television deal, you’re an idiot. Is part of my rage envy? Damn right. On the other hand, when rich kids are the only people getting media jobs, the voice of us peasants is getting drowned in the sea of privileged perspective. I’m glad she’s doing something other than club-hopping and being otherwise worthless, but please leave journalism to journalist.
Here’s a list of grueling, low-paying jobs:
- Fast food employee
- Shampooers (seriously, that’s a thing)
- NFL Cheerleader?????
Raiders, Bengals and Bills cheerleaders are suing the NFL for unfair wages, and the BBC (of all people) broke down the terrible gig of being an NFL cheerleader. Here’s the rundown:
- They are criticized about every micrometer of their body.
- Pale women (i.e. gingers) must tan and are forced to go to high-priced, sponsored salons that they have to pay for out-of-pocket.
- To make money off of calendars, they have to buy the calendars in bulk and out-of-pocket, thereby relying on their own sales skills to turn any kind of profit.
- NFL sanctioned events are “volunteer” gigs, i.e. unpaid (and not so voluntary).
- Average pay is about $100 and does not include hours spent rehearsing, working events, etc.
Essentially, NFL cheerleaders are hot interns. A part of me is unsympathetic. Statistics show that attractive people have better odds at landing a good paying job. Hot women are like cats: they tend to always land on their feet. Dancing to Rolling Stone’s “Start Me Up” isn’t exactly a skill in high demand. On the other hand, the NFL is a multi-billion dollar industry that is—for reasons that highlight how fucked up we are—a non-profit company, i.e. tax-exempt. They can afford to at least feed these women, and lord knows some of them could use a sandwich. Hot chicks complaining about not getting paid enough and a multi-billion dollar, non-profit company screwing over employees. This should go over well at Jezebel.
A week or two ago, I ranted about powdered alcohol and sarcastically noted how there is absolutely nothing that can go wrong there. Well, looks like someone over in Washington is reading these things. Sen. Charles Schumer, D-NY, wants to ban powdered alcohol. I mean, are we surprised? Despite how crazy politicians are, none are crazy enough to rally for powdered booze. I love alcohol, and I have done cocaine a handful of times and very much enjoy it. However, any seasoned addict will tell you that you never mix your substances. Bad things. For fuck’s sake, we couldn’t handle alcohol mixed with energy drinks! Four Loko was fun until idiots got a hold of it. What do you think the ‘tards will do with powdered alcohol? That stuff will go straight up there nose before it goes into any sort of liquid. Ban it now, because I guarantee you we’ll ban it later. Don’t tease us by giving it to us and immediately taking it away. Or you can keep this on the market, and let Darwinism be judge, jury and executioner. Actually, let’s go with that…and bring Four Loko back!
If you’ve keeping up with these roundups or listen to the podcast, then it’s no secret that I don’t have much respect for most rap/hip-hop music. I even brought in two East Coast hip-hop artists to persuade me. Spoiler alert: they didn’t. Maybe this chart will do the trick. Some guy really good at making algorithms decided that rather than use his gift of crunching numbers for something that will benefit society, he decided to find out which hip-hop artists have the largest vocabulary. If you want to know the methodology, click the link. Deadline is approaching, and I’m not getting into that. What is noteworthy is the fact that these artists were compared to Shakespeare’s vocabulary, known to be the pinnacle of wordsmiths. To no surprise, DMX was at the bottom, accompanied by Too Short, Drake and 50 Cent. Jay-Z, aka the greatest artist of any art of any time (per Jay-Z), is stuck right in the middle. Maybe it’s because he’s so creative that he can make beautiful poetry with fewer words. Maybe not. Topping the list is Aesop Rock, accompanied by GZA, Kool Keith and Canibus. Yes, someone named Canibus is near the top. I’ll give Aesop Rock a chance. If the Shakespeare of hip-hop can’t convince me that there’s more to hip-hop than sampling others people’s music and yelling eighth grade lyrics over them, than no one will.
The BBC has a piece about how to win Rock, Paper, Scissors. We’re officially out of problems.
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