This will be the first weekend in a long time where there will be no SOTW podcast. We record nonstop; Christmas, Thanksgiving, our birthdays, Ramadan, etc. However, this week Jay will be in Colorado and I’ll be attending the Royals’ Dress to the Nines Day. For those outside of KC or who don’t (rightfully so) pay attention to the Royals, Dress to the Nines Day is when you go to the game in your Sunday best. Men wearing suits and women wearing conservative sun dresses or whatever, just like civilized people going ANYWHERE back in the day did. It’s a nice throwback promotion, but to me it’s much more than that. It allows me and others to go out and look “classy” without being ridiculed. Yes, looking dapper anywhere other than work or some formal function makes you look like a tool. That’s indicative of where we are as a society and a culture. Many things about the 1950s and before were terrible: segregation, misogyny, no Internet. One thing that was great about that time was even poor people wore at least a shirt and tie wherever they went. It’s because, in my mind, people respected themselves. They say “dress for the job you want, not the one you have.” Meanwhile, people start crying when they cancel Casual Friday and dress like a hobo the second the step out of the office, regardless of where they’re going. I yearn for the day where I can wear a suit every day at work. That means you have made it. Whenever I do have the chance to wear a suit, I feel better about myself just by putting it on. Antidepressants and anxiety medications are selling like hotcakes. Maybe if we all wore a suit all the time, those numbers would go down. Then again, deaths from heat strokes will skyrocket, because we’re a bunch of pussies. Anyway, loosen your tie, grab a stiff drink on the rocks, verbally degrade your significant other, and enjoy THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

 

Everyone loves Sriracha sauce. Well, everyone except those who live near the factory. Now that those California residents are suing the company, the entire state of Texas is trying to get Huy Fong Foods to move in. Yes, a “Sriracha delegation” has been formed to get the company to leave those queers in California and hang out with the steers in Texas. Who’s involved? Oh, just a few “businessmen” in the state:

• Rep. Jason Villalba, R-Dallas: started the crusade.
• Sen. Carlos Uresti, D-San Antonio: represents the district where most of the chili peppers needed for the sauce are grown.
• Rep. Hubert Vo, D-Houston: Vo speaks Vietnamese, the native language of Huy Fong Foods founder and chief executive David Tran. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!
• Gov. Rick Perry, Attorney General Greg Abbott and Agriculture Commissioner Todd Staples will also be representing.

Texas: when not killing people on death row, making life hard for non-white/straight Christians and otherwise being Florida’s just slightly less retarded sibling, its government is ensuring that they get paid by the almighty tax dollar. Priorities.

I’m sick of the youngest generation’s names: Jayden, Aiden, Brayden, Caden, Logan. The funny thing is that these parents thought they were being original and edgy, yet those names hit the Top 100 Baby Names list. The results for 2013 are in and the top baby names are Noah and Sophia. Noah? That ends Jacob’s 13-year reign of #1 male baby name. Fuck Jacob! Before Jacob, Michael held a 44-year reign of terror! Well, David was #1 in 1960, but that’s because nobody likes a David, so we gave him a #1 spot for a year so David would shut the fuck up. Anyway, Noah? Really? I thought this country was moving away from the Christian stranglehold of bullshit. Other than the dude who (allegedly) built a giant ark, what famous Noahs have there been? Only Noah Wyle of the show “E.R.,” and nobody likes that asshole. The fact that you can find Noah on a keychain but not Tyson is proof that there is no God…the same one where Noah (allegedly) came from. Silver lining: Jayden, Aiden, Brayden, Caden and Logan are still not #1, and they will never be at anything in life. Other silver lining: they’ll probably end up like the original Noah – sad, lonely drunks.

 

This next article kind of proves that we’re moving away from Christian fundamentalism: Arkansas judge strikes down gay marriage ban. Yes, Arkansas. The same state where brother/sister fucking is not only a thing, but probably encouraged. The same state where the only thing they fear more than homosexuality is God. Now you can get gay married there. Note to other states still banning gay marriage: when Arkansas is more progressive than you, you need to reevaluate your entire existence. It’s also worth noting that back in 2004, Arkansas voters overwhelmingly passed a ban on gay marriage, which proves Plato’s theory that the masses are fucking retarded and laws should be up to smart people. Unfortunately, Plato never predicted that incredibly dumb people would be lawmakers. He would be proud of this, however.

Speaking of homosexuality, let’s discuss the “Kiss Heard Around the Homophobic World.” I’m, of course, referring to Michael Sam being drafted to the NFL and him kissing his boyfriend on live television. THE HORROR! The good thing about this is that it allowed us to see which human beings to avoid and shame, considering homophobes are—for whatever reason—extremely open and vocal about their ignorance and bigotry. Like former NFL disappointment Derrick Ward:

Man U got little kids lookin at the draft. I can’t believe ESPN even allowed that to happen.

— Derrick Ward (@derrickward32) May 10, 2014

In his defense, he claims he’s not upset about the gay part. Rather, he’s upset about “deep paring your tongue into the other person’s mouth” and how that’s “overboard.” He also claims he would be equally upset if it were a straight couple that kissed like that on live television, which we all know is complete bullshit. In fact, that seems to be the logic of all the homophobes who sounded off this past week. If only Ward had a suggestion to us deviants who didn’t have a problem with the kiss:

But for real though most of u need to read the bible. It’ll explain a lot in that book. #knowledge — Derrick Ward (@derrickward32) May 11, 2014

He’s right! According to Ward’s logic we should also:
• Not have tattoos (which he does) Leviticus 19:28
• Not have rounded haircuts/beards (which he did) Leviticus 19:27
• Not gossip (which he probably has) Leviticus 19:16
• KILL children who cuss at their parents – Exodus 21:17 (missed that one on SOTW)
• Remarry after divorce (his Wiki page says nothing about his personal life, because nobody gives a fuck) Mark 10:11-12
• Not work on the Sabbath (LOLOLOLOLOL, because football player) Exodus 31:14-15
• Keep women from opening their mouths during church (I’m sure his own mother said a few words at church…smite her!) Corinthians 14:34-35
• Not eat shrimp, lobster and other types of seafood (he probably did) Leviticus 10-11
• Remain a virgin until married (can’t confirm, but c’mon) Deuteronomy 22:20-21
You know what the bible DOESN’T forbid? Cherry picking.

The Internet is a fickle bitch. It can turn on you in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. Whereas the U.S. government won’t touch the Internet with a 10-foot pole (unless it benefits Big Corporation, e.g. net neutrality and the FCC), the European Union seems to be more proactive in protecting, you know, people. The EU sets huge precedent by deciding on the “right to be forgotten.” Under certain circumstances, European citizens can legally force websites to take down content that is damaging to one’s reputation. Essentially, any damaging content that is old and completely irrelevant to the present can be taken down, e.g. personal bankruptcy, crimes not convicted of, etc. The idea here is that the Internet does not allow a person to move away from their past, despite how much they have changed. The EU thinks that’s bullshit, and that’s rad! Current legislation only deals with extreme cases, but the EU hopes to eventually extend the rule to things such as drunken pictures on Facebook and (god willing) dick pics and old tweets. If the U.S. does this, I may run for Congress. Until then, I’m shit out of luck.

Rather than bitch about two dudes kissing on television, homophobes should get their crossdressing panties in a bunch over this: Clay Aiken wins North Carolina Democratic congressional primary. That’s weird. This politician has the same name as that queer from that fag contest American Idol.* That’s because it is that dude from American Idol. Yup, Clay Aiken is almost a U.S. Representative. Usually when a celebrity runs for office, I bitch about how much of a joke our government has become and how being a politician is about popularity and a shit ton of money. In this case, Aiken might be more qualified than 90% of the politicians currently in office. Too bad it won’t happen. The district he’s running in leans right in the South. Romney won presidential votes there in 2012 with six in ten votes. Soooooo, there’s that. Good effort, though!

* Southern homophobe words, not mine

Fast food employees may get paid in slave wages, but at least they earn some sort of paycheck and a roof (although leaky and collapsing) over their head. Better than some NCAA athletes: NCAA rules restrict fans from helping homeless athlete. Long story short, due to unfortunate circumstances, a Boise State football player is homeless. He is a man that comes from poverty and essentially no family. When fans found out about his situation, they reached out to help. “LOL, nope,” said the NCAA (pretty much):

We need to make it clear to your viewers and Bronco fans that it is NOT permissible within NCAA rules for boosters of Boise State athletics to provide benefits to Mr. Turner. That would include money, loans, gifts, discounts, transportation costs, etc. While Mr. Turner’s need is abundantly clear, it is not permissible for Boise State, the athletics department or supporters of the athletics department to assist Mr. Turner at this time.

Which leads me to my weekly “SPIRIT OF THE LAW VS LETTER OF THE LAW!” rant. The spirit of the NCAA rule is to ensure that star athletes are not being enticed with extravagant gifts to join or stay on the team. It was not designed to prevent a homeless player from seeking shelter. Don’t give this “Well, if we make exception for this, then it’s a slippery slope to hurrr durrr blah blah blah” argument. No, it’s not. If we cannot make an exception for extreme situations like this, then the bottom feeding lawyers have won. Congrats, America! You are under the rule of litigious bullshit.

Being in my 30s prevents me from saying I’m young, hip and cool.* I’m at least proud to say that I remember a day when MTV didn’t suck. Apparently, MTV is tired of sucking, too: MTV is bring back Liquid Television. The only thing I remember about my childhood vacation at Virginia Beach was watching Liquid Television in the hotel room. Seriously. Might be because Virginia Beach sucks, but that’s beside the point. Beavis and Butthead and Daria both originated from Liquid Television. After shit like Teen Moms, Jersey Shore and Catfish, some old school exec at MTV finally said “FUCK THIS!” Below is the first episode. I was skeptical about the new generation recreating this show, but it looks like they are staying true to the original format. You be the judge.

* Despite the fact I couldn’t say that in my teens or 20s

 

For more news and commentary that’s geared towards the MTV generation but relevant to everyone, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, you probably enjoyed Catfish and Jersey Shore, in which case, we have no use for you…in society and life.