Memorial Day is Monday, which means those of us who do not have shitty jobs get a three-day weekend! For the first time in my life, I work at a place that gives me weekends and holidays off. What a novel concept. At any rate, Memorial Day is all about remembering those died serving our country (the United States, if you’re from abroad). Over the generations, fewer and fewer people go to war. Back in WWII, every male joined the military. Even in Korea, it was considered a badge of honor to serve in the military. Vietnam was weird because most were going to war, but this time it was against their will. After Vietnam and the banning of the draft, joining the military was a choice. A choice that few decided to make. It’s somewhat indicative of how our views on war, the military and patriotism have changed over generations. I got to see Run For The Wall by on I-70. You can read my article for Land Line Magazine to find out what exactly that is. It was a powerful experience that made me realize something; no matter what your views are on war, politics and the military, you have to have a sense of respect and pride for people who sacrifice their lives for something they may or may not believe in. They are taking orders and fulfilling them under the assumption that by doing so, the lives of their family and your family will be of quality and prosperity. What have you done to guarantee such an all-encompassing result? That’s what this weekend is about. So this weekend, thank a soldier, pay respects to those who perished in battle and enjoy THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

 

How would you like the minimum wage to be $25 per hour? I know, right?! Welp, the Swiss hate money. Swiss voters rejected a $25/hr minimum wage. $24.70 per hour, to be exact. A vote of 76.3 percent struck down the proposal. Two things: 1) a huge majority in Switzerland are smart enough to understand the economical impact of such an increase and 2) THE PEOPLE GET TO VOTE FOR THESE SORTS OF THINGS! Imagine that! A nation ruled by a government where the PEOPLE get to vote on things that directly impact them. Then again, this could only work in a nation of smart people. Therefore, the U.S. is disqualified from obtaining that privilege. The Swiss also rejected a request to spend $3.5 billion on fighter jets with a 53.4 percent vote. It’s worth noting that Luxembourg currently has the highest minimum wage at $10.66 an hour. In other words, Switzerland blew their load on this proposal. Pace yourselves. It’s also worth noting that median hourly wage is about $37 an hour in Switzerland, so they’re doing just fine. For comparison, the median hourly wage for the U.S. is $16.71. If you don’t know the difference between the median and the average, you probably earn minimum wage.

What do the following have in common: Oreos, Pepsi, Axe Body Spray, Hitler. Aside from the obvious (Things People Whose Parents Didn’t Love Them Enjoy), they are all also subjects of bus advertisements. True story. Washington, D.C., Metrobuses introduce new Hitler ads. A group called The American Freedom Defense Initiative will have an ad of Hitler talking to an anti-Jewish Islamic leader during World War II (see below). Any group with the word “freedom” in their name is automatically suspect. Bonus suspicion points for website like IslamicJewHatred.com (yeah, that really is their website). Honestly, I like this. Not because of anything Hitler related, but because this is real free speech. Batshit crazy? You bet! But we shouldn’t stifle someone’s speech just because it’s fucking insane (and it is). Many decades ago it was batshit crazy to be pro-interracial relationships. I’m not saying history will be kind to this particular point-of-view, but preventing them from speaking their mind is a slippery slope to silencing the opinions that we truly need. In terms of being offended, people get offended by Hallmark graduation cards, so excuse me if I don’t take any claims of being offended seriously. Rights groups cried “Wolf” way too often for me to take such claims seriously.

Speaking of Hitler, a NYC suspended cab driver insists he has the right to wear a Nazi armband. The best part of this story is the self-proclaimed Nazi (see below). Haha, yeah. That’s him. Stereotypes are full of shit…unless you’re a Jew…according to him:

I don’t hate Jews. I’m critical of them, but I don’t hate them. That doesn’t mean that I’m anti-Semitic. That don’t make me a hater. Who says you have to be white to be a National Socialist? You don’t have to be white, it can be anybody.

Hmmm, I don’t think that’s what Hitler had in mind. Then again, I doubt our forefathers would approve of half the shit we do, so who am I to judge? From CBS New York: “When Young asked Diaz whether he knew 6 million Jews were killed by the Nazis, Diaz replied, ‘I have no comment on that right now.’” That usually means bad things. Sieg heil, Diaz!

 

It’s May, so you know what that means: GRADUATION! Great terrible news for recent grads: Student debt is worse at the 25 state schools with the highest-paid presidents. In other words, while you’re financially crippled because of the worthless education you have received that no longer guarantees a job and success, some academic in an ivory tower is making an absurd amount of money; the same money you gambled away at their school. If you thought busting your ass for The Man for a disproportionate amount of compensation while The Man gets filthy rich of such exploits was something that happened after college, you’re wrong. Income inequality and exploitation happens the second you walk down the aisle during your high school graduation. While tuition and textbook costs are rising at an absurd rate, for a university president to get paid a shitload of money (for doing what, exactly?) proves that we have no fucking clue how to run a society. At the very least, those who do run our society are completely incompetent and dicks. I actually hope that politicians’ pockets are being lined by universities and textbook publishers. Otherwise, the lack of urgency for this issue can only be chalked up to absolute retardation. Homeless people no longer yell at kids to stay in school in a drunken rage. That’s because those homeless people are college grads.

Since the last episode of the second to last season of the hit television show “Mad Men” is this Sunday, let’s discuss two articles that will make Don Draper slap a bitch (before or after he bangs her). First, Burger King is scrapping their ‘Have It Your Way’ slogan. One thing that I have learned from “Mad Men” is that slogans come and go. They need to in order to appeal to that ever important 18-24 year-old demographic. The new slogan? “Be Your Way.” This is where shit gets weird:

Burger King says in a statement that the new motto is intended to remind people that “they can and should live how they want anytime. It’s ok to not be perfect … Self-expression is most important and it’s our differences that make us individuals instead of robots.”

That’s meta as fuck! Meta, not metal. For fuck’s sake, Burger King! You sell horrible, calorie- and fat-loaded, heart attack-inducing fast food. You are not selling the newest mind-altering drug or self-help book. You are selling burgers. It is shit like this why ( SPOILER ALERT) Ginsberg cut his nipple off.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, here’s something that will make Don Draper go HAM on a bottle of whiskey: McDonald’s has rolled out a new mascot. Scan below (WARNING: terrifying!) to see “Happy,” the new Happy Meal mascot for children. Probably realizing that clowns are creepy as fuck, McDonald’s gave Ronald his walking papers and have replaced him with…an equally if not more creepy character. Dafuq is this? At no point in this pitch meeting did anyone stand up and say, “KILL IT WITH FIRE!” I guess not, considering this is the same pitch meeting where the following exchange must have happened:

Executive: “So, what are we going to call this character?”

Ad Guy: “Ummmmm…Happy?”

Executive: “Fuck it. Meeting adjourned.” *blows a rail of coke* *fucks his secretary*

I guarantee you that whoever walked into that meeting with that idea after coming off a three-day coke binger and forgetting about the big McDonald’s account makes at least six-figures a year. Then again, here I am talking about. Shit. Well played, ad men. Well played.

 

 

Time to add this as a recurring segment: Millennials Are a Bunch of Pussies. College students are requesting “trigger warnings” for their coursework. So what is a “trigger warning” you ask? According to The New York Times, trigger warning are “explicit alerts that the material they are about to read or see in a classroom might upset them or, as some students assert, cause symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder in victims of rape or in war veterans.” PTSD used to be reserved for war veterans who saw their friends’ heads blown clean off of their bodies. Today, getting 2% milk instead of skim milk in your double mocha latté whateverthefuck warrants years of therapy and an official DSM-5 diagnosis. If you can’t handle mature situations in a college course, then how do you expect to deal with real world once you obtain your Women’s Studies degree with a minor in Medieval Poetry? Which brings me to another point: this whole “trigger warning” thing stems from feminism. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocker! Seriously! It’s in the NY Times article. If I was an employer, my first question would be, “Did you request ‘trigger warnings’ in college?” If the answer is yes, I’m asking security to get them out of my office. They are a threat to society and to the sanity and survival of the human race. I’d also have a Taco Tuesday as an employer, and I’ll be damned if I have gluten-free, vegan tacos in my office!

What do Chipotle, gays and abortions have in common? Conservatives want Jeebus to annihilate them all. Chipotle will no longer allow firearms inside their restaurants. The fact that you were allowed to before this is crazy, but whatever. Now that you officially cannot bring an AK-47 with you to eat a 10-pound burrito, Republicans are going to blow a fuse…probably quite literally, as I wouldn’t put it past these crazy assholes to blow up a Chipotle. “BUT WHAT ABOUT MY FREEDOM AND THE SECOND AMMENDMENT, YOU COMMIE OBAMA LOVER?!?!” Yeah, well about my freedom to eat 10,000 calories and fearing only for my asshole and not my life because the fat dude in camouflage has the barrel of his AR-15 pointed in my immediate direction as he sets it down to get more Mountain Dew? You can start bringing guns into Chipotle the day I can start bringing a 3-foot dildo into Chick-fil-A. The logic behind me doing that is about the same.

 

Hackers are really good at hacking…and getting high. Considering these are typically the same people who spend a lot of time on Reddit and 4Chan, this is not surprising. It is to the FBI. The FBI is ‘grappling’ with the hiring policy concerning marijuana. In other words, the FBI can’t hire any of their top hacker applicants because they all smoke the wacky tobaccy. This is both hilarious and indicative of how fucking retarded our drug policies are. In order to apply to the FBI, you cannot have smoked pot within the last three years, no exceptions. Despite the fact that marijuana clearly does not hamper work performance and abilities, rules are rules. In fact, I would rather have someone who smokes a little marijuana to be in the FBI or DEA. They know what they’re talking about! You think some square, white dude from a top-tier university knows anything about the world of drugs, other than the textbook bullshit the academy taught him or her? No. Also, smoking pot doesn’t make you some drug addict deep in the underworld black market. Smoking pot is like drinking booze: people do it outside of work without anyone knowing about it. For the love of all that is holy, JUST LEGALIZE IT! When the FBI can’t hire the best candidates for a job, you KNOW our policies are completely baseless and void of any logic. Good news if you are a hacker: law enforcement agencies cannot hire people who are smart enough to catch you.

Child rapists are the worst. Controversial stance, I know. Even worse than that: a child rapist with AIDS! A strong candidate for Most Worthless Human Being of 2014 goes to Andrew Canaday, 49, of Kansas City, Mo. Canaday lured two girl—a 7-year-old and a 9-year-old—to an upstairs bedroom and raped the younger one. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Canaday is HIV positive, which violates a whole other set of laws. Even worse, he gave one girl $2 and the other $1 to shut their mouths about the incident. I know they were young, but this is 2014. It’s going to take more than a combined $3 to keep two females from running their mouths…SO I’VE BEEN TOLD. To add insult to injury, Canaday was known to the victim as “Frog.” A 7-year-old was raped by a man with HIV named Frog and given $2 to not tell anyone. Mother of god. Frog got life in prison. I’m not necessarily for or against the death penalty, but as long as it is still a thing, I would think this type of offense would qualify.

 

 

As someone who hates to alienate anyone who reads this, I am proud to say that I think anyone who is against gay marriage is a fucking idiot that should have their morals and intelligence questioned and tested for the better of society and mankind. If this offends you and leads you to stop reading these roundups, good! I don’t want you people liking me or in any other way associating yourself with me. “BUT WHAT ABOUT MY FREEDOM TO…” Stop right there. You sound like a tool. And what did I say about using the word “freedom” to justify your archaic, bigoted beliefs? Also, you are on the wrong side of history. Speaking of which, bans on gay marriage are quickly becoming just that: HISTORY! Before Wednesday of this week, two states deemed their ban on gay marriage unconstitutional: Oregon and Pennsylvania. This list has been growing rapidly recently. Gay marriage will be a federally protected law sometime in the near future. Deal with it. If you can’t deal with it, I’ll throw back the same line you give me when I talk about gun control and religion, “If you don’t like it, then you can get the hell out!” How does that feel, now?

You know your government has too much power over its people when they don’t even try to hide how corrupt and full of shit they are. Exhibit A: North Carolina GOP pushes unprecedented bill to jail anyone who discloses fracking chemicals. To date, 20 states require that industrial chemicals used during fracking be disclosed. Why? Because of the potential impact on health, obviously. North Carolina, is all like “fuck that.” Three Republicans in that state want to fine anyone (and possible prison time) who reveals fracking chemical info to anyone outside of emergency crews. Why? Protecting trade secrets. In other words, a fracking companies secret ingredient is more valuable than your health and life. Fun fact*: fracking is banned in North Carolina but is currently undergoing the approval process through legislation. Conveniently, some Republicans want to ban the leaking of information that could severely reduce any chance of such approval. That truly is a weird “coincidence” or—and this is going to sound crazy**—the fracking lobbyists are probably literally sucking the dicks of these politicians to ensure this deal goes through. It’s not even a hypothesis at this point. I only have one request to politicians: can you please be a little more subtle about your corruption. You are making us look like bigger assholes in front of the world. Thanks.

*Actually, not very fun at all

**Incredibly logical

 

 

 

For more news and commentary that’s at least better than the three dinguses and AIDS rapist above, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, you are worse than corrupt politicians and AIDS-ridden child rapists.