If you listen to Soundtrack of the Week, then you know how much I hate people. It even says so on my Twitter bio. Compiling a list of people who can “eat a bowl of dicks” would be time consuming. In fact, it will be easier to list off the people who can eat a bowl of delicious chocolate pudding with me.

Well, a group of University of Oregon police officers compiled a “Bowl of Dicks” list of people they hate. This comes to light after a former officer is currently suing the university for being fired after he reported misconduct…including the Bowl of Dicks. He claims officers were making the list during work hours rather than doing their jobs.

To start, he probably didn’t get fired for that, but I’m glad he’s gone. I can only dream about a job where coworkers compile a Bowl of Dicks list. This guy sounds like he must be fun at parties (/sarcasm). What are the odds that he’s on the Bowl of Dicks list? 1,000,000:1

Below is my very abbreviated Bowl of Dicks list that I thought of in the moment:

• Andrew Zimmern (except he would LOVE a bowl of dicks)
• Soccer fans
• Hipsters (who don’t fall into the soccer fan category; rare breed)
• Chicken shit traffic tickets
• Neighbors loudly playing Frisbee until 3 a.m. EVERY FUCKING NIGHT
• Neighbors who complain about stupid shit
• Jews (just kidding)
• 100% of people on the road at the same time as me
• Porn clips that end just before the cum shot
• Brad Barkley (you know who you are, you fuck)
• The end of The Sopranos
• The entire series of New Girl
• Performance art
• Spiders
• Pickles (serious, get out of here with that shit)
• Florida
• Texas
• Pluto (you’re not a planet, DEAL WITH IT!)

Your Bowl of Dicks list (via Twitter):

• Shrimp, because poop veins – via @couchvodkas
• Ebony porn – via @artofbeingblunt (editor’s note: she’s a black woman)
• Extremists and asparagus – via @fakefakenedyost (editor’s note: same thing)
• Exotic birds – via @poopfoot
• People who use “u” instead of “you” – via @alainal121
• Short dick man – via Gillette

And now for the original Bowl of Dicks list: